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i cant... i cant love anymore

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Painwarlock, Dec 22, 2008.

  1. Painwarlock

    Painwarlock Guest

    when i was born
    i learnt to walk and talk
    i was taken from my parents
    i missed my mother everyday
    my father faught for me
    my parents won
    i was hurt by foster parents
    why did they have to hurt me
    i felt angry i couldnt concerntrate
    they put me in a special school
    i was fat i hated myself
    alot of kids hated me
    i went onto another school
    to start year 4
    i had lost 3 of my good friends
    i never sore them again
    i was shy i had trouble learning
    i went through the year with trouble
    i missed my other family because i sore them
    one year before and i couldnt escape the mess and confusion i was feeling
    i made few friends that used me in primary school
    from when i was little i kept seeing things
    black shadows that i thought were figments of my immagination
    these things were tormenting me each one different
    i started feeling presences even when i went to school i would sometimes see these things
    one person who was there in primary school knew they know
    im talking to you i know you were the odd one but something fascinated me about you
    the blood i felt running through my veins
    it was like i could connect but i didnt know when you were
    im so confused i wanted to know
    why didnt you show yourself to me
    im not your saviour im not your doll
    althrough primary you were the one who tortured my soul
    u called me through and used me
    i went through the high school following my faith that i had for years
    i started to smoke hang out with the others
    my problems worsened as my grandmother died the one who brought me to my faith..
    the person is still there they show me visions they are dead there haunting me
    they feel the hatred that i portray through my hands they dont
    it developed all through me ppl started to go they used me
    they will contineu to
    i met a guy called jake he seemed nice
    he lost his house and his girlfriend she killed herself so did
    why leave why like alll the others
    so much confusion i can put it all into this
    no one liked i dnt have any friends no one my feelings i had to keep inside for two years ppl tryed to help but they couldnt i dnt know what to do or say
    why am i made this way why do i have to be the one
    these visions still enter my mind im always full of rage the visions infect me
    im like mannequin ppl just slice slow and hard with razors blood blood
    all running out from
    but unfortunately im only stuffed
    i hate myself why am i like this
    i met a girl her name was rogue i was stupid and i was 15 she was 18
    i fell in love with her
    i couldnt be with her because i was too young
    i screwed up it was really hard
    bcus i couldnt express myself with all the hate i had for myself
    she didnt understand me she thought i was using her
    she tryed anything from sexual deeds to trying to get me to talk but i couldnt
    i ended the relationship after new years eve i said some stupid things
    i really didnt know what to say
    about a year ago
    she got me bashed by 4 guys she had tryed talking to me
    i deserved it the guys said they would kill me if they sore me
    i spent months being in fear
    i felt used i felt so mixed up even more than i was before
    i moved house from what i called hell the house i lived in was unbearable
    i met another girl called rose i became really close to her she and i went out
    we had fights and she didnt tell me why
    we broke up the fights continued but i stuck by her
    bcus i wanted to know what was wrong i was trying to help her
    i succeeded i was happy that she was i wanted it to be that way
    it was the only thing i didnt screw up in my life
    shes now my bestfriend but so much went on
    i met another girl after dating rose
    her name was molly
    i loved molly like truly loved her after talking with her for about 2 months
    and properly getting to know her deep inside
    i fell in love with her i wanted to hold her and kiss her everyday i wanted to marry her spend my life with her
    things went down hill our addictions started to make us fight when i had gotten on speed
    and she was too
    i found out she had a child before being with me i consider that child myen we started fighting more she broke up with me for the first time
    i stopped i was so shocked i blacked out for an hour
    some asshole claimed to be her boyfriend some fucker
    fuck you you stupid little shit i fucking hated what you did
    why take the only thing in my life that was good huh you fucking prick
    i wish i could stick some razors on a baseball bat and smash your head
    i will fucking get you and your fucking friends with you
    i got back with her after 2 months we started getting better and recovering
    i found out that kayla was being taken out of adoption soon i was so excited
    i was really excited to have this kid in myen and mollys life
    when we were ready we could have her
    i started looking at other schooling
    bcus my grades were low
    my teachers didnt care i wanted help but i couldnt ask
    i didnt want to look stupid like everyone was telling me i was
    all those fucking ****s that called me an emo
    fuck you you stupid fuckers if i could bash there skulls like an eggshell i would
    those fucking little shits will learn
    i played guitar more and played in a band i love my guitar i can escape through notes
    i got into more and more computer stuff i would spend day in and out on it
    bcus i didnt want to go back to reality
    i planned to see molly
    i planned to be with her but then something horrible happened
    i called her one day and i found out that my daughter was dead
    i was so dissapointed i wanted to be a father
    our relationship went down hill my love stayed strong for her
    she then oded i didnt know what to do she also had cancer
    my fear for her was starting to grow i felt so scared i was going to loose the girl i loved
    she went through chemo i stuck by her
    we discontinued the relationship because it was too hard
    we still had fights because things went down hill
    she then told me one day it was all a lie bear in mind the relationship was long distance
    she told me another great lie in this little nest that kept me with her aswell
    something evil and vindicated she told me i was apart of a coven
    that one of us would die to take someone evil i fell for it being stupid
    this is how the last chat convo went

    [Conversation started on 12/18/08 23:43:05]
    [12/18/08 23:43:05 ] Painwarlock : hey
    [12/18/08 23:43:22 ] Shacadia Shay : hi
    [12/18/08 23:43:36 ] Painwarlock : how are you doing
    [12/18/08 23:43:52 ] Painwarlock : ive been worrying about you i tryed to call you today
    [12/18/08 23:44:04 ] Shacadia Shay : well dont 
    [12/18/08 23:44:17 ] Painwarlock : dont what?
    [You have closed the window on 18 Dec 2008 23:44:47]
    [Conversation started on 12/18/08 23:45:02]
    [12/18/08 23:45:02 ] Shacadia Shay : dont call me
    [12/18/08 23:45:10 ] Painwarlock : why not
    [12/18/08 23:45:15 ] Painwarlock : whats wrong this time
    [12/18/08 23:45:28 ] Painwarlock : talk to me shacadia
    [12/18/08 23:45:30 ] Painwarlock : please
    [12/18/08 23:45:31 ] Painwarlock : ffs
    [12/18/08 23:46:05 ] Painwarlock : do you want me out of your life
    [12/18/08 23:46:07 ] Painwarlock : just say so
    [12/18/08 23:46:12 ] Painwarlock : it will put my mind at ease
    [12/18/08 23:46:15 ] Shacadia Shay : yes
    [12/18/08 23:46:23 ] Painwarlock : u do
    [12/18/08 23:46:35 ] Shacadia Shay : fuck off 
    [12/18/08 23:46:39 ] Painwarlock : so no seeing you
    [12/18/08 23:46:44 ] Shacadia Shay : nope
    [12/18/08 23:46:56 ] Painwarlock : whats wrong?
    [12/18/08 23:46:57 ] Shacadia Shay : when did you actually think you were going to see me?
    [12/18/08 23:47:16 ] Painwarlock : whats wrong
    [12/18/08 23:47:24 ] Painwarlock : i am
    [12/18/08 23:47:28 ] Shacadia Shay : asnswer the question
    [12/18/08 23:47:29 ] Painwarlock : i was going to go over there
    [12/18/08 23:47:53 ] Painwarlock : sometimes in the next 3 weeks
    [12/18/08 23:48:02 ] Shacadia Shay : where?
    [12/18/08 23:48:14 ] Painwarlock : i was going to see you in sa
    [12/18/08 23:48:28 ] Painwarlock : i was going to stay there and try and help you
    [12/18/08 23:48:41 ] Shacadia Shay : where in sa?
    [12/18/08 23:48:56 ] Painwarlock : adelaide
    [12/18/08 23:49:11 ] Painwarlock : do you want me to come or not
    [12/18/08 23:49:29 ] Shacadia Shay : no
    [12/18/08 23:49:37 ] Painwarlock : why not
    [12/18/08 23:49:41 ] Painwarlock : tell me the reasons
    [12/18/08 23:49:45 ] Shacadia Shay : and im sorry if ive ever led you on
    [12/18/08 23:50:00 ] Shacadia Shay : becouse i have a bf
    [12/18/08 23:50:18 ] Painwarlock : whos your boyfriend
    [12/18/08 23:50:23 ] Painwarlock : what about the spell molly
    [12/18/08 23:50:33 ] Painwarlock : you going to tell me now there wasnt one
    [12/18/08 23:50:57 ] Painwarlock : i just need some answers
    [12/18/08 23:51:00 ] Painwarlock : before you go
    [You have closed the window on 18 Dec 2008 23:52:46]
    [Conversation started on 12/18/08 23:52:53]
    [12/18/08 23:52:53 ] Shacadia Shay : becouse your a fucking weirdo freak that doesnt take the hint!!!
    [12/18/08 23:53:24 ] Painwarlock : im not there to get back with you
    [12/18/08 23:53:31 ] Painwarlock : we were going to sort out
    [12/18/08 23:53:38 ] Painwarlock : the problems with the covenant
    [12/18/08 23:53:40 ] Painwarlock : remember
    [12/18/08 23:54:14 ] Painwarlock : and if this is mark
    [12/18/08 23:54:14 ] Shacadia Shay : get over it fuck witt
    [12/18/08 23:54:21 ] Shacadia Shay : its just pretend
    [12/18/08 23:54:33 ] Painwarlock : say that to my face
    [12/18/08 23:54:57 ] Painwarlock : call me
    [12/18/08 23:55:01 ] Painwarlock : and say to my face
    [12/18/08 23:55:10 ] Painwarlock : i want to hear you say it to
    [12/18/08 23:55:11 ] Painwarlock : me
    [12/18/08 23:55:17 ] Painwarlock : actualy i will call you
    [12/18/08 23:55:21 ] Shacadia Shay : i dont wanna see your fucking face **** or i will pound it into a bleeding pulp!!!'
    [12/18/08 23:55:29 ] Painwarlock : mark
    [12/18/08 23:55:37 ] Painwarlock : im not there to fucking take your girl mate
    [12/18/08 23:55:53 ] Painwarlock : im not dude
    [12/18/08 23:55:57 ] Painwarlock : chill it
    [12/18/08 23:56:07 ] Shacadia Shay : IM NOT YOUR MATE 
    [12/18/08 23:56:12 ] Shacadia Shay : MATE!
    [12/18/08 23:56:16 ] Painwarlock : mark
    [12/18/08 23:56:18 ] Painwarlock : chill
    [12/18/08 23:56:28 ] Painwarlock : what the fuck is wrong man
    what did i do i supported you for 3 years on and off and you do this why why the fuck did you have to take my life from why molly i loved you was this all a lie was all that a lie i was happy to stay friends with you but you gloat your fucking boyfriend in my face you fucking bitch why did you have to do this i cant believe you
  2. Painwarlock

    Painwarlock Guest

    ive also had way more where that came form i will post later