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I can't... I have to... but I can't. (pos. abuse triggers etc.)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 26, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I have posted about this before... Tomorrow I am taking a train to visit my mother, I am staying there until Sunday. Sunday, when there's that family Birthday thing... the one where the father of the young man who molested me when I was 4 is invited.

    I am so scared the son will be brought up, and of course he will... Only mum knows... I don't know if his father does... but the polite thing people can do is to ask to his son.

    Or even worse... there's a message for me... or the worst... he shows up.

    The mere fact that I'm going to my mother's is bad enough. My mother was abusive to me in bringing me up. Today I had therapy and the therapist almost cried when I told her about a few of the physical abusive punishments and how my mother would cancel a lot of my Birthdays and take away presents if I had been difficult.

    And tomorrow I have to be there... acting like it's all okay. I am going to cook and bake with her for the Birthday dinner... which is fair since it's at her house.

    And I've already had a taste of what's in store... she knows I've sprained my wrist... and tonight sent some 'joking' texts if I could still cook and open presents. I just know she's going to assume I am faking my injury to get out of work...

    My wrist hurts like hell, but I had planned on helping anyway. Gah.

    I am panicking. My heart is racing. I want to run and hide most of all.

    I know I have to go. It's expected of me... and rather selfishly I need the presents, I asked for money. I am broke...

    Oh and just to add to it, my mum lives 200 meters from the school where I was bullied physically and mentally and sexually abused too.

    A comfort is my mum's dog and her 3 cats. The dog loves when I come and it's so obvious he's missed me. And he always gets in between us if mum and I start to argue, and he tries to protect me.

    I am so very tempted to self harm...
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *big hugs*
    Don't harm yourself over this.
    You can do it, you can make it through this weekend.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Blah. It's 1.40 am and I still can't sleep. I'm too worried about what's going to happen the next day.
    It's helping a tiny bit though that there's a film with my favourite actor on the telly...
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am supposed to leave in an hour and 2o minutes to catch that train.

    The closer it gets the sicker I feel. I am still in bed, I haven't even bothered trying to eat breakfast or get my beloved morning coffee. (I really should eat though... my usual pain relief isn't good on an empty tummy). My entire body aches... more than normally... All my muscles are stiff. And I'm just exhausted.

    I fear I'll start crying at any obstacle today. And no one I'm going to be around for the next 36 hours will understand.
  5. Fluffypingu

    Fluffypingu Safety and Support SF Supporter

    hus hun here if u need to talk take minute by minute don't stress if u feel u cant go then tell your mum
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm on the train. Just two more stops to go.

    I'm panicking pretty bad.

    In 15 minutes I'm facing my mum and have to act like it's all fine.

    F*ck this
  7. AJE

    AJE Well-Known Member

    You are a brave special person.
    I would of run ages ago but you.....
    You're strong & brave.
    At the end of the day no one can make you do anything you don't want to.
    Good luck
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  8. booklovr

    booklovr Well-Known Member

    Oh god. ..sweety..this I'll be hard...but U can do this!..i know you can!..... Good luck and blessings and a very happy birthday..hun
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  9. booklovr

    booklovr Well-Known Member

    Do not accept any bullshit.put your foot down if any harm comes to you.
    If its gonna ha an inner torture...tighten the screws man the walls.. .get your defences up...and brace yourself.
    Take this thing head on.your aurmor will protect. .and most of all believe.believe I'll get through this
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *huge hugs to you hun* I hope it goes better than expected, you shouldn't have to put up with this bullcrap, you're too nice a person. I hope you will be okay, know we are just a click away if you need us today or tomorrow x
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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