I've tried going to the doctor, talking to a therapist, even the pastor at my church. I can be in a room with 50 people and feel like I'm the only one there.
This past Friday I had a migraine that was so bad I fell to the floor and layed there for I don't even know how long - but all I can remember doing was trembling so bad that I thought I would break my teeth.
I was finally able to crawl to bed - I think it was at least two (2) hours later because it was dark by then. I put the pills under my tongue for my migraine and sleeping pills - it was probably 3 or 4 (I don't really remember much of it).
Saturday I felt like death and stayed in bed all day and evening long. I woke up Sunday morning at 6:00 and thought I needed to be in church - I needed to find peace - somehow.
I went to my usual church and sat down for the service. When they started to sing I broke into tears and started sobbing so hard I had to run from the church. I don't know why, but I left in my car and drove to the next church I saw and walked into another service.
Then they started to sing about finally being with God and I ran out of this church as well. I ran into my car and sat there for over an hour and cried begging for God to take me. I don't know what his plans are for me in this world and I'm tired of feeling so drepressed all of the time - I know this isn't his plan for me but what is it? When will I get it?
As I sat in my car sobbing with my head against the stearing wheel I suddenly looked up and realized most of the parking lot was now empty - everyone had gone home.
Of all the people I came in contact with this day, not one of them even noticed there was something wrong and maybe that's what the problem is for me. No one knows and nothing ever changes. I'm just a speck in a world where everyone is going on about their business while I'm praying that God will end my life.
It's Monday and I'm still here - this can't be part of his plan for me and I don't deserve to suffer this way anymore. I've given up on everything and I don't believe it will ever make sense.
I just wish I could die.
I don't want to take my own life because with my luck, I won't even do that right but I can't keep going on like this. I'm so very tired. I know what God has promised and one of his promises is eternal peace.... when is it my turn - for eternal peace.
I just wish he would take me now.
This past Friday I had a migraine that was so bad I fell to the floor and layed there for I don't even know how long - but all I can remember doing was trembling so bad that I thought I would break my teeth.
I was finally able to crawl to bed - I think it was at least two (2) hours later because it was dark by then. I put the pills under my tongue for my migraine and sleeping pills - it was probably 3 or 4 (I don't really remember much of it).
Saturday I felt like death and stayed in bed all day and evening long. I woke up Sunday morning at 6:00 and thought I needed to be in church - I needed to find peace - somehow.
I went to my usual church and sat down for the service. When they started to sing I broke into tears and started sobbing so hard I had to run from the church. I don't know why, but I left in my car and drove to the next church I saw and walked into another service.
Then they started to sing about finally being with God and I ran out of this church as well. I ran into my car and sat there for over an hour and cried begging for God to take me. I don't know what his plans are for me in this world and I'm tired of feeling so drepressed all of the time - I know this isn't his plan for me but what is it? When will I get it?
As I sat in my car sobbing with my head against the stearing wheel I suddenly looked up and realized most of the parking lot was now empty - everyone had gone home.
Of all the people I came in contact with this day, not one of them even noticed there was something wrong and maybe that's what the problem is for me. No one knows and nothing ever changes. I'm just a speck in a world where everyone is going on about their business while I'm praying that God will end my life.
It's Monday and I'm still here - this can't be part of his plan for me and I don't deserve to suffer this way anymore. I've given up on everything and I don't believe it will ever make sense.
I just wish I could die.
I don't want to take my own life because with my luck, I won't even do that right but I can't keep going on like this. I'm so very tired. I know what God has promised and one of his promises is eternal peace.... when is it my turn - for eternal peace.
I just wish he would take me now.
