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i cant keep losing people

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by crackedglass, Nov 30, 2008.

  1. crackedglass

    crackedglass Well-Known Member

    this sounds really stupid but a year ago i lost my ex as he killed himself because of me..and since then i have been with other guys mainly to try and fill the emptiness but none of them meant anything until i got with my last ex we met one day when i was at work and he gave me the cutest smile i had ever seen we talked for a few months and then we finally got together..then he met his cousin and my mate told me they were getting it together..i said dont be daft but when reading his posts it looked like they were..so i asked him and he said it wasnt nothing going on and we continued going out..he had to put up with a lot of shit from me, my brother trying to stab the both of us, me feelin suicidal, moving into my own place and because of my anxiety worrying about him all the time..when i came clean about my depression and anxiety things changed..then because of a stupid text from my mate we ended..he ended it and i ended up OD'ing and ending up in hospital..did it multiple times because i couldnt cope..then just as i was getting over him after my move to essex he starts speaking to me again we got really close and he said he cares for me and how close we are..then he goes and gets with my best mate..now because of that she doesnt trust him to see him so we can only talk on msn..he wont admit how he feels about me but he knows i love him..but sometimes im not sure if its him or mark i love..because i see him in everthing (mark being the one who killed himself) since then i met this really great guy on friday hes on this site :) but im really scared to let him in incase he hurts me or i hurt him..i cant deal with any more hurt, ive lost my nan, my ex, my best friend, my parents and brothers because my parents wont let me talk to them and i just feel low..i have planned for tomorrow night to end it all..but i just wished i could feel peace and know what to do. just sick of feeling this way.
  2. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun, your ex most likely killed himself for having self issues, do not take the blame as you'd not be fair to yourself. As to see Mark in everyone, it simply means you arent ready to have a relatioship with anyone till you fully recover and find peace within. Solidify your friendship to this young man but you need to recover first of all for your sake and whoever will one day be at your side. You have your own issues so I suggest that you see a therapist to sort your feelings out and a shrink to help you get back on track. You sound depressed and that doesnt just go away on its own.

    I wish you all the best
    granny xx
  3. crackedglass

    crackedglass Well-Known Member

    if it wasnt my fault then why do i get blamed for it by his family and friends? and feel as though im to blame? but i dont think ile ever fully recover, ive never been like a whole peaceful person i've always had issues..just couldnt always figure them out. ive seen counsellers but when i do get the trust to start talking and opening up they tell me its no good coming out with everything because i go on a ramble and everything from bits of this and that starts spilling out..the doc has put me back on the waiting list for a psychiatrist because ive been to one before but refused to let them help me. yeah i am depressed i take anti-depressants..lifes just going downhill at the moment and i dunno how im still standing..thankyou for the time you took to reply to me.