I can't kill the bad guy ..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nobodydifferent, Dec 20, 2015.

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  1. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    This is long and I appreciate anyone for reading it ..
    I'm sabotaging myself. It's funny and a million times so not funny .. I was always 'crazy' but my highs were fun and I hid my lows usually at home with a blade to my arm and a lot of sleep and tears by myself . But everybody loved the girl when she was normal or on a massive high . Because that girl ... She got them in places and was fun and the life of the party. That girl
    Still considered <mod edit - methods> .. But I was doing it in a mini skirt and cute heels so we could laugh it off and let it go ..

    Even through my crazy .. My highs , my lows .. My everything.. I functioned .. I was a high functioning bipolar who got raped and went to school the next day.. I aced classes .. I had friends and had a child who I took care of and everyone thought my life was fuckin wonderful!

    My dad <mod edit - methods> when I was 6 .. That wasn't suppose to damage me tho .. I barely knew him .. And we'll clearly he had no care or desire to know me . My mother. .. The only emotion she knows is cold .. You can get frost bite near her .. Granted she's had two husbands die before she was 30 another divorce and now another marriage .. All that and I'll tell you not once love !

    At some point I knew I'd run out of steam .. My original plan was always to kill myself like my father .. But I got pregnant .. And even tho. I lived my 20s half crazy and half Suzy homemaker in the back of my head I still pretended I got to check out at 30 just like him ..

    30 came .. Funny thing .. I got MRSA and almost died .. I lived and knew I couldn't kill my self and maybe I expected magic and sparkles and butterflies .. And a reward ..

    Instead I did die .. Not in the buried and gone sense but in every other way .. My depression has gotten worse .. I constantly think about death and dying .. I try to reason with it ..
    I want to kill this monster inside me .. But I'm the monster .. It's my voice .. It's me I'm running from. ..I can't separate the two .. And am I even myself anymore with out that part of me ?

    I don't know who I am without wanting to die ?

    I'm so alone now .. No one gets this girl .. She's always miserable .. And judgemental .. Cause yes I did roll my eyes when a friend said I get it .. I have bad days !

    They don't get it .. But they don't know .. They don't have any idea that I think of dying 59876 a day that I write letters .. That I have plans .. That this pain in the gut of my stomach won't be gone untill then ..

    I hate myself . I hate the person I have become . I hate the way I have destroyed relationships out of fear.

    I hate that I'm a 36 year old adult who spends most days laying in bed doing nothing . .. My son deserves more .. He knows he's my life line and that's sad

    I'm sorry this was so long .. Im sorry I'm such a weak person ..
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2015
  2. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    so what is your reason for wanting to end it, I get you have been through some horrible experiences that most likely made you feel you weren't worth anything but is this what you are after? I came to understand that this rock is a very sad place to be and people do a terrible job at even pretending that you matter to them so maybe no one has given you the opportunity to show that they cared for you (lack of parents caring) But here you are, you have a son, you can choose to repeat that cycle the way your parents did with you, or you can find a reason to live. It doesn't have to be for others, seeking others approval is giving away all of your power to them. I dont know what its like to go through rape so sorry for doing a horrible job here. I'm just trying to tell you that, the power to find something living is within your power giving that you are not imprison in a decayed body.
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  3. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    My son is what keeps me alive .. But with more and more depressive bipolar episodes and them seeming to get worse it's getting harder to see the positive in anything .. And to see the positive in how this mess .. This form I am in makes a good mother . I didn't know my father much .. I have flashes of him all horrible .. And yet his suicide effects me terribly and so I know in the few pieces of my sane mind that doing the same to my son that is a teenager would be worse ..I don't want to kill myself .. I want to stop wanting to .. I want to stop dreaming about it .. Wishing for it .. Visualizing it .. Desiring it .. I want it out of my head . But it won't go away..
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not a weak person, you're sick. As in medically unwell. What treatment are you getting for your depression? Meds and therapy?

    I know it is hard to get out of bed (believe me - I have to force myself to get up every single day when all I want to do is go back to sleep) but I will say this - getting up and doing something is the best thing you can do for your mental health. Even if its not to go to a job, you can volunteer and you can teach yourself a new skill (almost anything is possible with the internet). It is impossible to find purpose in bed - everything just feels worse and worse the longer you do nothing.
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  5. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I go to therapy and I am on meds .. So many meds between a neuro and my pcp and the psych ..it's a pain . And I do force myself up most days .. And function on auto pilot .. I just wish there was more to life
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    There is more to life - you just really really have to fight for it, especially when your brain is working against you. It takes a lot of effort and determination and I know that can be next to impossible to find when you are depressed and sick.
  7. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    Maybe thats why you have lost of appetite, migraines and nausea when you dont eat. It's one of the reason why i have been avoiding medication like the plague, because i get all those horrible side effects symptoms despite not taking anything except occasional xanax because i found it to be the only one to help.

    I dont like to put faith in treating bipolar symptoms with pills but maybe it helps some. Why I say this is because I think a good diet can help, yeah i know, i am a horrible example because despite this belief i couldn't help myself but i dont even wanna imagine how worse i would be if i would be on a traditional american diet, no i think i would have died long ago if i was.

    I guess what im trying to say here is that, you say you are feeling depressed and are on meds, well perhaps meds are not suiting you, perhaps a better diet would help (maybe you are already eating fine and thats not it, just something to consider).
    You say you have bipolar episodes, so does that mean that sometime you feel very positive and at times the complete opposite and just wanna end or is it more of a constant negative viewpoint? I know that when i feel hopeless, and have no desire to go on, if i take coffee, i just get a high of positiveness and then when the crash goes on, then I may get negative and just wanna end it. I say this because, i wonder if coffee, meds or other drugs give you a temporarily positive shift. If it did then maybe its more about your brain chemical balance, or maybe you just need something that makes you wanna live.
  8. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    Most of the meds I'm on are for reasons not directly related to mental health .. But are dual purpose .. I take preventive migraine drugs which are also mood stabilizers and I take bp pill cause my bp is high but it also helps with anxiety .. I do take an anti depressants the first time around it worked great this time I'm have some issues with it so when I see my doctor were going to have to talk about it .. And I take and ADHD med .. And then some as needed meds for other things .. i have for several years treated my bi polar with no medication .. Kinda circumstancially with medication I guess you could say ..

    my moods do go back in fourth or up and down rather .. Bitter baseline is more of a numbness then a mood ...
  9. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    Do you smoke pot? I dunno if this is against the rule and i am new here so I might get beat up for saying it but you know, before getting sick I was always very depressed and i guess you could say suicidal, despite having a very strong drive to live, hell my dream was to be healthy and immortal lol yet because I felt so alone and never had any real significant friend or anyone to share life with(sibling,friends, relationship) i would get very depressed.

    I had to resort to smoking pot and drinking coffee, yeah sure drugs right? well hey, guess what medicinal drugs are? I am not saying you should do cocaine, heroine and drink your sorrow, what i am saying is, that there are many things that can make you cope, exercise, pot and caffeine are the 3 that kept me motivated. I just think it comes down to having the right distraction that works for you.
  10. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I don't smoke .. I have before years ago it really did nothing for or against me .. I exercise .. Sometime excessively .. And I have a love hate relationship with caffeine ..
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