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I can't live like this anymore..

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I've read many posts in this section, and frankly, my problems are minuscule in comparison with everyone elses' problems. Yet, I still can't steer myself away from the black abyss, convincing myself that my death will undoubtedly eliminate all of my pain.

I am bipolar, and I used to take my medication for approximately a month. However, they seemed to incur even more suicidal thoughts, so I threw them down the drain. Now, I'm on the edge of the cliff, with no way of turning back. It is as if death is a magnet, drawing me closer and closer to my demise with each passing day.

In retrospect, I don't have many problems. My grades, which used to be A's, have dropped down to A-'s and B+'s, and I know longer perform well in any of my hobbies. I know that I sound like just another spoiled, attention-craving teenager, but I know that I'm not. I feel that I'm just not good enough, even though I excel in mostly everything I do. For example, even though my IQ is 152, I still stubbornly wish for the 160. Even if my IQ turned out to be 160, I would raise my bar again and repeat this cycle of misery.

Also, I'm losing all of my friends due to my constantly depressive mood, leaving me nobody to talk to about my problems. I'm getting four hours of sleep each night, since I have absolutely no motivation to begin my homework until midnight.

Most importantly, I think I'm butt-ugly. Some days, I possess an unnatural amount of confidence and believe that I'm the hottest person alive. On other days, like today, I can't even bear to look at myself in a mirror. I know that these mood aberrations result from my bipolar disorder, but I still cannot cope with them. When I had resided in a psych ward, a girl, upon my asking, told me that I was the hottest guy she had ever seen. Yet, this brought even more misery upon me--I was so ugly that I even generated pity among people who knew me.

I know that I'm just a perfectionist who dwells in his own sorrow, but I really need help overcoming this. The only obstacle impeding my suicide is the pain factor--I'm deathly afraid of even the slightest pain. I subconsciously still yearn to live, but now, I don't know if that will be enough.

By the way, I'm 15 and I am in my second year in high school.
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SF Supporter
152 is a good score!
First of all you should never think of yourself as a whiner. If you think about it your problems might not be as drastically bad as others but that doesn't mean your not suffering the same or worse. Some people can withstand a lot of pain whereas others cannot. This probably means your quite sensitive to your emotions which is not a bad thing.

So you've seen doctors in the past about depression because of the medication which didnt work :(
When was the last time you saw your GP and how much has changed since in your life since?
It would be a good idea to consult them again and tell them that things are getting worse. Have you ever seen a counsellor?

I think MAYBE that the reason you want to constantly better yourself is because your not happy with yourself. Before the depression started stopping your hobbies did you find you were very competative? Do you hold a lot of thought on what other people around you think of you?
Maybe your constantly thinking of all the things you want to change about yourself and make better and are neglecting the things that make you like yourself. It's hard to be fair to yourself when your feeling low but you must try just to see both sides of the story.
I know loads of people who would like a 152 IQ. We can't have everything so we make best of what we already have.
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