I can't live like this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wallflower, Aug 28, 2008.

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  1. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I can't even write this down. I don't know what to say, I am feeling really upset. It usually doesn't last so long, but then my mom starts yelling at me and driving me crazy. She is sick or she can't seem to handle any self control.
    "You are a jerk!" "You have gained weight!" "You're a bully!" "Clean after yourself!" She fucking won't leave me alone...and she's been pushing me over the edge. My dad is buying her a new house thinking this is going to fix the situation and they keep pushing me out of my home. Somehow moving is going to fix my brain.

    "Get a job!" "Get a house!" I opened my first checking account in my life a few days ago. that's pathetic. Pathetic. pathetic. I can't take it anymore. I am afraid to do anything wrong. I don't know why I put everyone first before myself because she is doing nothing but guilt-tripping me GUILT tripping me! CONSTANTLY. It's harassment. I can't take it. I feel like I have been dumbed down to a little child and she can't talk to me like that anymore. "You'd could end up in jail!" "I'm taking your computer!" I have absolutely nothing mean to say back but she won't stop. It's all the time, every time my dad is away and NEVER EVER is she mean to my brother!
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi WF it does sound so abusive and so unfair...please know that you are none of the things she calls you, and that she is the one with the greatest problem...big hugs, J
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Yeah it sounds like she is trying to run you out! My parents didn't run me out they out & out gave me the boot when I was seventeen. To top it off they kept my car and sold it, then they kept the money they got for it. I only owed them $100 before it would be paid off. It took years before me and my dad got back on speaking terms. You might be better off on your own, then you only have to answer to your self...Take Care!!!:chopper:!!!
  4. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    thanks, it is good to know someone feels this way. It's not that they aren't good people.

    It's impossible to deal with, I can't stand it they don't take my life seriously enough.
    And now I am starting to not take anything seriously, and they don't freaking get that. It's a big joke, my dad's favorite phrase these days, "I dunno? *shrug*"

    My parents always make such a happy appearence, that I am always the problem and it made me an easy target from when i was younger. They got mad at me about things, screamed at me about things, and still...it's just a freakin joke. I can't seem to get out of this, I finally feel better and wake up to hell. I want to be on painkillers or something, my life is like pain. I like sleeping better than being awake.

    I am a total sleepaholic, although I can barely find comfort in falling asleep.
    I just sleep to escape, and in dreams I find a faulty sense of comfort. Even then, the dreams are not satisfactory enough for me to join them...I would just like to dream forever...including everything I live through and believe it were real...Maybe that is what is destined to happen to me. When I die I will have to live in some limbo paradise. And I am not complaining about that. That would be perfect for me, as long as i can eventually get back to earth.
  5. ZundertowZ

    ZundertowZ Well-Known Member

    my mother mentally abused me my whole life! as well as put me in alot of debt! it sucks when your own mom betrays you in these ways! unfortanatly it never stopped until i just cut ties!
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Sorry to hear that your mom is being so mean to you wallflower. I know it's unfair and really hurtful, but you have to try and not let her hateful words bring you down. Try talking to her and let her know how much her words are upsetting you and see if she has some compassion. Tell her that you would like to be treated like an adult and not like a little kid. :hug:
  7. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    You're right. You can't live this way. You need to break away and find somewhere new to call home. Do your best to try and move out; get away from it.
  8. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I wish I could. I need a break from everything. Going on this family "vacation" is probably not going to help enough but for them it'll be great, for me it'll be more family time. I wish I had some closer friends I could just move in with...but I don't know anyone well enough to trust.

    It's getting kind of scary, and I am not sure how to cope. going to like some hospital was what I was thinking, to get away from her. Seem like a good idea? I think not. I know the abuse in one of those places would be worse than at home, and I don't do well I get tensions from being away from certain people...I usually just talk to my dad but honestly, he's a great person he is getting worn down by everything. Money, work, mom, my brother in school, and me, and I know I can't handle everything right now.

    I am so confused, I wish I could solve this problem. But honestly, I have worn out...I don't think I was in control for a long time, I don't think I was able to handle things for a long time. I think I have been having a crisis almost like permanently, I feel like I have been damaged. I have worry about everything, everything. Worry, nervousness. I wasn't given any painkillers when I went to the doctors because I was I think...dysphoric?

    No one is at a place to help me. If they could, I would welcome them with open arms. I think this is one of those situations where it is a Lose Lose.
    I am living in a catch22. I get spiraled out of control....I don't even know what I have been doing. i have been spending time alone in my room, daydreaming, not exercising, barely eating...and this has been going on for about four years. Since I left highschool at sophmore year and so on...I couldn't get back...and somehow this is like, it's easy for them. Fo rthem to say that I just need to "try a little harder" "push a little harder" and I will be "'right on track" but in this case. I want so badly to give up.

    The trauma isn't just shaking, it's dizzyiness, puking, feeling naseous, sick, angry, like shocked, like choking people, like I want to scream and throw things, and my mom is just pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing...and there's nothing I can do. It's like massive cranial pain...headache after headache after shock. I can't stop it, the shocking, it just goes on and on and on...I want to help people get away from me so they don't have to feel my pain. I don't know if this is true, it feels like I have a catchable disease.

    I feel like I have some disease, like I am dying, physically, mentally, and so on and my ears are ringing and itching. And my head is shaking, and I can't stop feeling like I am going to throw up. Being in the Emergency Room and hooked up to all those machines reminded me of being in a mental hospital. And that woman, how she talked down to me. She said, "I am taking your purse because you said you felt somewhat suicidal!" and she walks off with it.

    I have no one to trust, no one I feel like turning to. It's not a crisis, it's an emotional catastrophe. I can't HANG on. I can't stand up and walk to the school or store or walk anymore. I can't walk places, I can't move, I can't find comfort.. I shake, and I have everything from Obsessions to Social Phobia to Narcissism to Bulimia, or it's all in my head becaus I am schizo-affective or whatver...I don't know what it is. But I am trying to figure out this Umbrella Term and what it really means.

    I have got to stop writing.......
  9. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    If you're in the US, I don't know how to help you specifically, but in Canada you can just go to emergency and tell them you're mentally unstable or suicidal or whatever. You can also call up the mental health hospital/ward and ask for an appointment with a doctor or for the possibility to be admitted.
  10. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I am just rambling, but I don't know what to do. Hospitals can't treat that serious a case as mine. In fact, they might be to blame for a lot of the trauma issues.
  11. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    My dad took me to my new psychiatrist's office. And no one there would see me since I wasn't schedualed for the fucking apt. So I went to the ER and kept flip flopping on what I wanted to say and not get things taken out of proportion. I don't want to deal with that crap anymore...I told them I was having an anxiety attack. Everything was written on the fucking paper but that woman has to ask me like I am stupid, and I don't know how to answer anymore n then I start to dissasociate and I can't stand hospitals, they make me sick, mentally emotionaly biologically phsyically. Thankyou very much.
  12. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    One time I was in the ward for two months, and in that time, I saw something most people don't think is possible. Two days after my admission, another guy was brought in... by security. He was so resistant that they had to put him onto a gurney with leather straps to keep in line, and even then he yelled non-stop for many hours. When bedtime came along, only sedative would stop his yells.

    A month later he left the ward with his parents, and was completely indistinguishable from any other 16 year old guy. A bit of meds and therapy can do more than you imagine, I think. I've always been very resistant to drugs of all varieties, and even I have found some benefits from anti-depressants.

    If you've had a bad experience with a hospital, go to another. They can be surprisingly different.
  13. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    If Jesus were alive, he'd be able to save me.
  14. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    Jesus never dies, if I got my dogma correct he just transcended the flesh, no? Jesus, assuming my dogma is correct, is just as alive as he ever was, he just no longer has a physical manifestation.
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