I can't live with myself anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by arleea, Feb 12, 2013.

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  1. arleea

    arleea New Member

    Another failed relationship with a child. Why do I keep pushing people out of my life. She wanted nothing but to love me and be my wife. After seven years together, a three year old, and a house together, I selfishly kept withdrawing and saying things to her to not get married. Now she leaves me and I am broken. It seems part of me wants to be miserable and alone. It's been four months and I am empty inside. I feel like I will always be partially detached from everything and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Job I hate, no friends, and let another family I dreamt about wither and die. I'm done. She's already started sleeping with other people to move on.
    42 years old and see no future. My childhood dreams have all evaporated due to my inaction and none of my kids need be burdened by my failures. They need a role model of success.
    As soon as I get the courage and try to get my finances freed up for all my kids I will find a way to leave this plane of pain.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    This may be a question you've been asked before... but have you thought about seeing a therapist? Just from reading your post, I wonder if you would benefit from therapy so that you could try to figure out the reasons why you may be pushing people away. Talking things out, either with a therapist or even on here, might help you to figure out why this is happening.

    Please don't give up. Your kids need you, and I know it may feel like your dreams are out of reach right now, but that doesn't mean they really are.
     
  3. arleea

    arleea New Member

    Yes. Seeing a counselor. I kind of understand that I have a feeling of not being worthy of love and I continue to self sabotage my happiness. But what good is this knowledge. I have made choice after choice to put myself here. I've had several chances to get on a great path but I ruin them. I do good for a while but I never can be happy and alive. I'm like a partial zombie as I coast through life. And I'm so lonely. This woman was the best for me and I am turning into a weak pitiful shell of a man. I fear the downward spiral and feel its better to get off this ride.
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You do deserve love... but I realize hearing that one time (and from someone you don't know over the Internet) doesn't exactly do much to convince you. But that's where I thgink therapy could help, given time. There may be some issues you can talk through that are causing you to feel as though you don't deserve love; and if, through therapy, you start to feel differently, you may start to give yourself a chance to be happy. You aren't weak or pitiful at all, and you can get through this. I know it's not easy, and it may take a lot of work on your part. But you're worth it.
     
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