I can't live with this guilt.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by singthesorrow12/21, Jun 2, 2014.

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  1. singthesorrow12/21

    singthesorrow12/21 New Member

    I hate myself to no end right now. Me and my then-girlfriend of seven months broke up after things went particularly sour, and she found someone else (we had a long distance relationship). We're still good friends, but I absolutely hate myself right now. I never realized how much I needed her. She gave so much just to make sure I was okay. And I never realized any of it. I love her to death, and always have, but she's moved on, and now I don't have anyone. She was seriously the only person I had to talk to when things were wrong. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.
    And I fucking blew it. We mutually decided to break up, and I thought it would be better for both of us. I'm pretty sure she's doing okay, but I'm fucking broken. I bet she only even talks to me because she feels obligated to. I have no one to talk to. And then I also have four huge school projects due tomorrow, I have NOTHING done for any of them. I don't have any motivation. I can't even fucking think straight.
    And this is all my fault. I took her for granted, and she still gave it her all, even putting her own HUGE problems aside that made mine look like nothing. I've hurt her in ways that I never meant to, and I ruined her. All because of my tendency to fuck up. All by saying the wrong thing. Acting the wrong way. And I deserve all of this pain.
    I never intended to hurt her, I never wanted to, but I did. Because I'm me. And what can I do right? My life is just one huge bloodsport. One where I can't win, I always lose, yet I can't die.
    I'm useless, horrible, stupid, worthless, a complete failure, disappointment, and fuck up, and I deserve to and want to die...
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    ... and you are only young, sing, and don't have the life experience to know yet that things don't always go as we would like them to, and happy endings are not automatic without learning some life skills such as how to negotiate/conflict resolution principles, etc. Because we don't know these things through inexperience, we all go through a hard learning curve, and some of us never seem to learn if we can't see the lesson for what it is - feedback. Tell yourself that what happened does not mean those things on your last line there - what it has given you is feedback not to do the same thing over hoping for a different result. The only failures in our lives are those we refuse to learn from :) Other than that, you're a human being like the rest of us - welcome to the human club - it's pretty painful at times, but the knocks help to round off our edges..... and can make us stronger and not so prone to getting snagged up....
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