I can't live with what I have done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Avaril, Nov 29, 2012.

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  1. Avaril

    Avaril New Member

    I don't know who I can talk to about this because I don't want to scare my family, but I don't think I can cope anymore. I'm 20 years old and have attempted suicide 3 times since I was 16. The last time I tried was a few days ago. My partner of a year and a half had broken up with me in the morning before my attempt and I knew I didn't want to be around any more.

    He broke up with me because of an internet friend (James) I have had since I was 15, James was 20. Only now do I see that the friendship was manipulative and dangerous, but I was foolish and kept on talking to him despite being with my partner. My partner saw James for what he was but I didn't and couldn't let it go - and I was stupid to let it go too far. My partner read the inappropriate conversations between me and James and said he couldn't be with me because the trust is broken. I went to see him and he told me to leave and that is when I went home and tried to kill myself. I only stopped because I thought there could still be hope for me and my partner so I went to hospital. The last text I got from him was him saying he couldn't be happy with me and that while he still loves me he can't trust me so we can't be together. I've sent my partner one last long message apologising and saying how I want to move past this and that I will do anything to make it right. I know he has read it but he hasn't replied so I still have hope in my heart that he may forgive me. But I fear that he won't - and I know if he doesn't I will never be able to live with what I have done to him and I am planning a way out because all I want is to escape.

    I just want someone to tell me what I can do to make this better, I know I'm horrible and terrible but I need help, please someone help
  2. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    Hi, I'm on the other side to you, I've just hacked my boyfriends facebook and read inappropriate messages between him and another woman! The Internet has a lot to answer for!

    You are not terrible. You've acted recklessly perhaps? Not with the intention to hurt but maybe to satisfy a need within yourself and sadly it has been witnessed by your loved one and caused them hurt.

    You have done the right thing and admitted what you've done and asked for forgiveness. You can do no more and I hope you are given another chance with your boyfriend. If he doesn't want to know then you have many years ahead of you to meet other people. I don't want to sound patronising or take away from the seriousness of your relationship but at twenty we are still evolving in our characters and have different thoughts, feelings, views to that which we are at twenty five, thirty, forty etc etc

    Please try and see past this relationship being the be all and end all to your life. You are young enough to make positive changes in your life, to learn from mistakes and look for a brighter future, whether it be with your boyfriend or with someone else later on.

    Please stay strong. Xxxx
  3. mackaroni

    mackaroni Well-Known Member

    First of all take a breather! Slow and down and give yourself time to think this through! You are only 20 and have many years of life left to live.

    Before you can fix a relationship you have to be healthy yourself. You dont have to beat yourself up too much and give yourself a break as what you have done isnt the worst in the world so cut yourself a break. No matter what you have or havent done is worth comitting suicide. You cant change your partners mind they would have to do that for themselves. So focus on keeping yourself safe and rebuilding your life. If its meant to be your partner will come around.

    Take special care of you!
  4. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    What you did is certainly NOT terrible - so you aren't a saint. Who is? You made a mistake (and not a malicious or even uncommon one), and you have admitted to it, which is more than a lot of people can manage.

    However, I would strongly advise that you don't come on too strong with your boyfriend - imagine how he feels - he breaks up with you, and you attempt suicide. He is probably feeling very confused, upset, guilty etc. By all means be in contact with him, but don't read too much into every little nuance. I would give him a little space, just let him know that you appreciate him, and let him come to you.

    I really hope that you are ok, and realise that what you did was by no means "horrible and terrible", your intentions weren't cruel, you just made a mistake.
  5. Avaril

    Avaril New Member

    EDIT: Sorry this is my first time posting on this website I meant to quote jojojo. I can't even figure this out u__u

    I am so sorry to hear that you have experienced that kind of hurt. I really hope you and him can work through it.
    I realise that I am very young, but my previous attempts and depression have never been particularly caused by anything, I have just always felt that I didn't want any sort of future and that I couldn't cope just being me. I have always been aware that I am likely to eventually finish myself off. I know that if I can work this out that I will have a reason to be around - I will have the purpose of earning back my partner's trust and respect and living to try and make him happy. I will have the strength to finally get my life together. But if this doesn't work then I just don't think I can live with what I have done to another person - he couldn't even look at me and I have made him so unhappy and I am not willing to try it with another person as I can't keep hurting people. Thank you so much for your reply, but it all just still seems impossible
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi honey - it certainly IS possible for you to work it out, but am thinking it will take time, because your guy's feelings are (understandably) not rock solid at the moment, the same as yours. I agree with the other posters who say to give yourself a break, take your time, and think "FORGIVENESS". It IS possible to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, because life is for learning - and sometimes we can go on doing things without understanding their results and consequences until it is too late and the consequences happen - this is part of being human, and it's a learning curve meant for our maturity. Those who refuse to learn from their mistakes are likely to make more, so on the plus side this has given you an opportunity :)
    You love your boyfriend, and so the hard test of love can come in here: "If you love someone, let them go.........if they return to you then they were yours all along, if they do not, they were never really yours in the first place"...... I suggest writing it all out in a letter for your boyfriend, apologising for your part in what has happened, ask his forgiveness, give him as much time as it takes for his (or any) reply, and learn ways in which you CAN live with yourself again, because there is not a human adult on the planet who ever was, who has not stuffed up in their life somewhere, hun.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Avaril (what a pretty name!), we all make mistakes. The point now is not what YOU can do, but whether or not your bf is able to accept that you made a mistake and are truly sorry and won't do it again. He will need time. He might decide he can trust you or he might find that he can't. But what he decides or thinks doesn't make or break you as a person.

    You are a good person just because you are you. If this relationship doesn't work out, it will hurt - break ups do hurt. What it might also do is open the way for someone else to come into your life, someone who will draw from you even more love and caring and who will offer the same right back.

    In the middle of a crisis, it's hard to think beyond our feelings. Please, know that I do understand you feel things are not worth living for; but also know that no one has died of their "feelings" yet. People can get through these rough times. Suicide, the action, is so permanent, and it stops all other possibilities cold.

    I think you have a lot to offer the world. Whether or not your bf right now is to be part of your relationship in the world remains to be seen. But YOU have a lot to offer even without him that the world can appreciate. I hope you will stay safe. I hope you post again and let us know how you are doing. Thinking of you. :hug:
  8. Avaril

    Avaril New Member

    Thanks all for the replies I really appreciate it. I know I have to give him time now and it's been a few days since I sent him the last message. He hasn't replied but I didn't really expect it anyway. Now it's been a few days should I ask him if he is even considering what I said? I know I should suffer for what I have done to him, but I feel like I am going to break and I really don't want to start sending him hundreds of begging texts because I know it will make it worse. I just want to know if he is just going to call it quits like he said he would or whether he is considering what I said. Because honestly, if he does call it quits I know what I have to do.

    This is the message I sent if it makes any difference:

    "Dear Michael,
    I am not sure whether you will even read this or not, and I understand if you don't want to, but I really hope you do because I have to let you know these things before you cut me out.
    I hope you realise just how sorry I am - I think it's the most selfish thing I have ever done and I hate myself for it, which is why I can understand why you would hate me too. I know I have to face the consequences of my actions and take responsibility and just knowing that you can't stand to talk to me kills me but I am sure it doesn't even scratch the surface of the pain I have caused you. I realise that I have to give you time, and I hope that in this time I can use these horrible consequences to be a better person for you. Now I know the pain that I have put you through I know that I will never ever be so selfish like that again - I know now that you really are everything I want and need in my life - and I really do need you; you make everything better, you made just being around worthwhile and most if not all my happiness was because of you. I was just trying to hold on to something that I'd come so accustomed to, not fully understanding the damage it would cause, but I know it's not at all what I want. I know I want my future to be with you and only you. I was always so selfish about what I thought the future would be and I could only think about myself, but I know that I want every experience in my future to be with you, I want to travel with you, and spend the rest of my life trying to earn your forgiveness and growing old together.
    I know that it will be very difficult to believe anything I say any more, but I do love you and if you can't trust that then given the opportunity I will show you any chance I get. You deserve so much more than I gave you and I want to give you all you deserve because I truly love you so much and it kills me what I have done. I know things can't go back to the way they were before, but given the chance I want to put in every effort to build our relationship up again. You are everything I could ever want, you have always been so kind and understanding, you put up with all the trouble and misery I put you through and you made me laugh when I was low - and no one else can do that. I was the luckiest person in the world and I took you for granted - I hate that it had to come to this for me to really appreciate everything you do for me.
    I really hope we can move past this because when we were together everything just seemed so easy and wonderful. I couldn't bear being without you and when you had to leave I would often get angry because I missed you so very badly whenever you weren't around. Despite what has happened, I think we had a good relationship, more than I could ever wish for.
    I know you need some space right now and that's alright, I'm sorry that I went mental when this first happened, but I was so scared to lose you, it felt and stills feels unbearable to not be with you, but I know I have to face what I have done to you. There is nothing I won't do to try and fix this and make things better, just tell me how and I'll do it, nothing else matters any more, just you. If you decide that we can talk I want to be totally honest and open because I think this where I really went wrong, and I will tell you everything you want to know. I love you very much and I know I will have to be patient and give you time. If you do want to talk I will drop anything to do so, so just let me know."
  9. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    Hi Avaril, that is very well written. You have done all that you can and are truly remorseful. It is up to him to now decide if he wants to get back together, just be friends or having nothing to do with you. His decision is not a reflection on you or your behaviour. It may well be that he has other issues and this incident is something that has given him time to think on whether he wants to be in a relationship at all. He is young after all and may not just be ready to be in a steady relationship for awhile.

    Whatever happens you have shown yourself to be human, no more no less. You have made mistakes just like ALL of us do, your boyfriend included! But you have apologised, explained why you did what you did and have promised not to make the same mistake again. You cannot do anymore.

    I hope you get your wish to be back together but if it is not meant to be then you have to accept that his choice has been made. Feeling heartbroken is an awful feeling. Nearly every person will suffer it at one point in their life, some more than once.

    If you have parted permanently please don't dwell on what you did as being the sole reason for the split. If you hadn't done what you did who's to say that something else could have happened by either one of you causing a break up or even just the relationship running its course as they sometimes do.

    Your destiny in life is unknown but just because one chapter ends doesn't mean that there are more things and different people that lie ahead.

    No one in a relationship break up ever feels that they will ever find love again. But we do.

    Anyway, that may not happen, he may come round. He might want to take his time. Hopefully he will want to talk. Take it slow. I hope he does.

    Anyone reading this will be keeping their hopes raised for you and wishing you all the love and luck in the world xxx
  10. Avaril

    Avaril New Member

    Thank you for being so kind. Trying to work this out is the only thing keeping me going. Yesterday I sent him a text asking whether he had read my message and whether he was ready to discuss it at all yet, but that it's okay if he isn't and just to let me know when he is ready. He replied the same day and said that he read it and just needs time alone to think. I know I can't push him any more to talk and I really wouldn't want to, but I want to keep letting him know how sorry I am and how much I love him. Do you think I should send him things just so he knows that I am still thinking of him? Like flowers, or letters or messages just to say that I love him? Or do you think that would push him away more? I know I sound obsessive but right now I have nothing but time to think about this and I have to work this out.
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Avaril, I can feel how hard this is for you. I'm sorry it's happened the way it has. I might be overstepping here, but you said it yourself...he said he wants "time alone to think." I know it's hard to be on the waiting end of this. Giving someone some emotional space can be a challenge when we want a certain outcome and we don't know what the person wants. Space...a bit of time. Maybe keep in mind the old truism, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

    So, while he thinks, you perhaps could be busy doing something you don't ordinarily treat yourself to...a movie, a night out with a friend, an evening with a book or surfing the internet, knitting...:dunno: Waiting is hard for most of us. Maybe fill the time with something you enjoy.

    Keep talking to us here. And let us know how things are going. I hope it works itself out for both of you. :hug:
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