I can't process this feeling.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DropKick, May 4, 2009.

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  1. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    I can't even explain how I am feeling. Just so filled with hate, revenge, and sadness. I want to end this right now, I feel so terrible I am choking, Crying for the first time in 5 years. I can't even breathe. Nothing has triggered it, nothing today has made me feel like this. There is no reason I should be feeling like this.

    I sit here with three options going through my mind:

    to sit here, listen to happy music and watch videos and pictures of when I was younger, and happy, to post pone this feeling another day.

    To pick up the knife, and test if some one will find me in time.

    Or to pick up the box of pills and put an end to it once and for all.

    I have nothing in this life.

    I don't really know why I am writing this. I guess I am just trying to make sense of how I feel, maybe writting it down would help, but I guess not.

    I have tried to drown this feeling with alcohol, and drugs. But nothing can hide the fact that I clearly can't cope like every one else.

    Why am I weaker then every one else I meet?

    I can't put this fucking act on any more, I can't be the funny guy, the comedian, I can't smile.
    I feel like I am at the lowest point in my life. And I am only 18. I don't know how the hell people can make it past 20. But I don't plan too.

    Sorry for wasting your time.
  2. MarilynMonroe

    MarilynMonroe New Member

    I feel the same way and I made it to 20:smile:

    Hang in there :cool:
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not wasting our time. What you have to say is important.

    Any idea why you feel so bad? I know you said nothing triggered you today, but has something happened to make you feel down in the past?
  4. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    God, I totally know where you are coming from. Im 21 and shocked everyday that Ive made it this far. I thought you might benefit from knowing though, there is a fourth (and fifth and sixth and seventh and...) option. The "Screw the World and my mind" option. Sometimes I get so sick of the emotions and pain that my mind is so quick to shove in my face that I decide that you know what? Just screw it, im not letting myself just end...Im going to last longer than I think I can, just to show myself.
    And people cope in many ways- its just that the public eye doesnt like to look at dreary things like suicide. There are a lot of people who dont "cope" the way the "world" would like. Just find what works for you-what keeps you going another day.
    If you cant be funny, dont. If you dont want to be funny you dont need to.
    Do what you can to smile and remember that feeling.
    And know you are NOT alone in what you are going through
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I can relate and I'm 54...I think I only made it this far with the help of therapy and meds. I'm old enough to know that alcohol and illegal drugs might work short term, but long-term they will probably make it worse. My best years were between 19 and 35.

    Not perfect by any means, but happier than I had been to that point. Can you at least try therapy and prescription meds. a chance? It's helped so many of us here.

    You're not wasting anyone's time. That's what this forum is for. Try and stay with us for awhile. There are so many really great people here who share your pain and can try and help out.
  6. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    Hello, just thought i would come back to let you know I chose the better option and pulled through. Found a great girlfriend about 2 weeks later. I have never been this happy before, and it is a great feeling. Unfortunatly I can already feel myself getting too attached to this girl, and she joins the army at the end of the year. So it can only get worse from here. I'll probably be back on around christmas time.

    Thank you for the kind words and advice.
  7. lonelymortal

    lonelymortal Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate

    I can also relate; it feels like everyone else is just cruising through life, meets the right girl, finds the right job and everything's fine for them. It feels like everything just comes so easy to them and people like us we spend our whole lives struggling.

    I think you should do that. When i'm feeling sad/angry I put on some music and think about my past. (Usually I get drunk/high and put on some music but that's not the point)
    Anyways I think you should just wait a while and see how you feel. If you only get one life there's no point in rushing things anyways. Just take some time to reflect. Take care.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are not wasting anyone's time. Your problems are just as important as everyone else's.

    Of the options you have listed, please choose this one. ''to sit here, listen to happy music and watch videos and pictures of when I was younger, and happy, to post pone this feeling another day.''

    Who do you want revenge with? and why?
    Talking about the problem might help you and you're arent weak.
    You're still with us that proves you are strong and haven't giving up the fight.
  9. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Happy to hear you found a great girl :) I hope that you manage to make it through when she leaves for the army. Take care of yourself. :hug:
  10. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    We broke up on saturday night, I have never felt this low before, The reason? She loves me too much, and I love her too much, so she decided to end it now, because it will be too hard at the end of the year. My heart is breaking. I haven't smiled eaten or slept in 3 days. I had a flight booked to get away from it all, but was just told that I got accepted for a job. I don't know where to go from here, we are still best friends, and really close, we still love eachother, but there is nothing I can do about it.
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You can marry her that way you can move where ever she gets stationed..It would mean giving up some of your old ways but at least the two of you would be together.. Besides you would get to travel..
  12. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    I am 18. Marriage is many many years away.

    This has been the hardest week of my life. I have never consumed so many drugs, and so much alcohol in such a short time before. Every cone I pull, every shot I take, every drop of alcohol i touch doesn't effect me, it's like I have lost all feeling. I suppose depressants don't work as well when you are already depressed.

    I stood at the train station yesterday, for hours, contemplating to jump in front of the next train. Every time one would approach, there would be a reason why I couldn't do it. A little boy, about 5 years old, was watching me as I walked past the yellow line, and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't let so many people see such a horrific thing. I have thrown up about 25 times in 6 days. I still can't determine if it is the Drugs, alcohol or just my empty shell of a heart causing it.

    It is like everything was going so well for a change, I was built up into this big tower of confidence, and love. And out of no where I was torn down into a pile of rubble. I can't eat, I can't sleep. No matter how many sleeping pills I take. I am trying so fucking hard to get through this. I am trying to be strong willed, but every day I see her, she still holds me, we just sit holding eachother, crying for hours and hours. I slept next to her for the first time since it happened last night, and it was extremely depressing.

    She told me last night, that even if she didn't get into the Army, that she didn't think we should stay together. She said she had commitment issues. She is so used to getting hurt that when a good thing comes along she pushes it away so she wont get hurt. Self Preservation she calls it.

    She asked me the night it happened how much she still loves me, and said "you aren't going to do anything stupid are you, please don't kill yourself"

    I looked her straight in the face and lied. I told her I would never even think about doing that to her. But if she can save herself from pain my ending US now, why can't I save myself from the pain I am feeling and end IT now.

    I know I am only young, but I have been through quite a bit, and felt love before, but this is something more then love. A whole nother plateau.

    I am known as the "Funny guy" The fake bullshit act I have put on since I could speak. It was real until I was 8, then it turned to an act, I can't do the act any more. Every one I know, even my parents are so confused, they say I have turned into another person.

    I work at a radio station, and have night show, which I quit last Monday, as I can't sit in front of a microphone and fake it for 2 hours each night.

    And they say it is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all.
  13. DropKick

    DropKick Active Member

    Still here.

    Still feel like shit. I miss her so much. We still see eachother but it isnt the same. Agh. First day sober today since it happened. And it was damn hard. I cannot sleep. At all. The only times I have slept are the times I have stayed at her place. Agh.
  14. jeannate

    jeannate Active Member

    You aren't wasting anyone's time. I have suffered from depression most of my life. I think before my pain and sickness set in, my worst point was when I was in my teens. It was an awful time. I made an attempt to slit my wrists when I was younger, my dad was abusing me at that time. I just couldn't take it anymore. But my father wrestled the knife out of my hand. So I can understand that feeling you have of just feeling worthless. But you aren't. So hang in there, please.
  15. sr123

    sr123 Member

    The choking/nausea feeling sounds like an anxiety attack (not the kind where you start panicking that you didn't turn in your homework on time, but a real, clinical one). Or it could be something else, but either way it's something that should probably be treated (meds helped me a lot), especially if you're in a close relationship. Your relationship will be far stronger if you aren't at the mercy of some crazy misfires in your head every time emotions get too intense (and if she finds out that you get these attacks, she might start to blame herself, even if you tell her it's not her fault).
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