I can't remember the last time I was happy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anon2211, Jun 21, 2015.

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  1. Anon2211

    Anon2211 New Member

    So this is going to be a long story

    I've never had a great life. I won't say it was terrible. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood in a first world country just like the rest of us using the web. I've always had food to eat, and a loving supportive family. I have no complaints as far as that. But I've always been picked on in school for as long as I can remember. I never let it get to me and always pushed forward not caring about what others thought.

    At the age of 13 throughout middle school I would get jumped by 17 year old kids. This happened on multiple occasions and nobody helped me. The police told me to "just stay out of the park"

    Eventually I hit Highschool and went my entire HS career without a single date. I've always had confidence, I've always been funny. But no matter what I did women wouldn't even give me a chance or even a second look for that matter. Still I trucked on.

    Throughout my early years in college things didn't get any better. While I wasn't in the torture of highschool I was still getting shot down by any girl I seemed to like. I was lucky enough to get one date. And the girl was seriously interested, before she just decided she wasn't and stopped texting me.

    Eventually I hit a point where I stopped trying all together. Then I met the love of my life. She was Beautiful, Kind, and she didn't write me off. We hit off great. I spent 4 years of my life with her. We got engaged on a horse and carriage, Talked about baby names, ect. Most women never gave me a second thought but I didn't care because she was the only women who's opinion I cared about.

    Eventually things started to spoil. She started pulling away from me, we spent less time together, our hobbies became Mine, and hers. While I tried to reignite things, and show her I still cared she just seemed distant. I remember one night dreaming that I reached out for her hand and she pulled away from me. This put so much anxiety on me that I did the only thing a sane guy can do. I made things worse by being clingy, and needy. I didn't know what else to do. Eventually she left me. I plead with her to talk about our problems, "Just Talk to me". But she said "I can't Talk to you". "there are some things you can't change". Then she said something that hurt me more than any beatings I've gotten as a kid. "I don't want you anymore" "I'm not attracted to you".

    After about a week I found out she was sleeping with one of my closest friends and had started dating him. This hurt me worse. Not only did she not want me. But she didn't even care enough about my feelings in the situation. My friends didn't come to support me. The people I thought were my friends went out celebrating by going bowling with my ex. Then I figure this out.. 6 months later and who I thought was the love of my life and my friend are living together happy as can be.

    I dated one girl for that period for sometime. But she had more issues then I did. And ended up seemingly losing interest after 5 months or so.

    So after I broke up with her I feel like a new man. I'm confident, I can start my life again. I'm happy..... For about a week.

    So after I broke up with my "love" I had to move into the garage next to my parents. So now I live in a shit garage in a shit town. But that's ok. I'm still confident. I've got a great job in sales and I know I can be the best salesman ever.

    But after yet more letdowns and being shutdown by literally every girl I'm attracted to, I've got no confidence left. I'm at the point where I look at my job with despair knowing I won't succeed. I look at women and don't even bother because They are clearly out of my league. My routine is get up, struggle to sell, Come home to my shitty apartment, Do nothing because I'm broke and have no friends. So I sit alone from 6 to 10. <Mod Edit: Inappropriate> Then basically cry myself to sleep every night. I'm at the point where I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up. Then wake up wishing the next day will be better. Then the cycle repeats.

    I'm at the point that everyday for the past week I've just sat fantasizing about killing myself. About how I have absolutely nothing going for me. No goals, No money, No friends, Nobody to come home to.

    I decided to go to a bonfire and have a few drinks tonight to try and have a little fun (with family of course). After drinking a bit I felt spaced out. I just zoned out staring at the fire. At this point I have never been surrounded by more people yet felt so alone. How could I not feel alone. They don't understand it. All they see is the fake smile, and fake humor that I've put on for so long I can't even do that anymore. So I walked back to my car. Cried and fell asleep in the drivers seat while everybody else partied.

    I really don't know what to do. I've never felt so alone and helpless in my life. It's as if nothing I do is good enough. No amount of effort brings me success in my job. No amount of weight training, Dieting, Clothes, or "personality" brings me any luck with women. I just feel like I can succeed at anything anymore. I'm just subpar at everything. All the confidence in myself that I used to have is just gone at this point. I guess it's just been slowly beaten out of me since I was 8 years old. I'm just tired of fighting and holding on to hope only to be slapped down yet again.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 21, 2015
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I will reply to your post after I have digested it. Take care and be safe.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Wow, please do not be discouraged about getting a relationship. It will eventually happen but it make take sometime. You have remain calm and try to get a normal routine going first. You are at a very low ebb and think you will not find love. The path of true is no fairytale but in reality causes a lot of anxiety. I understand you are hurting and think no one understands but we do.

    You need to see medication from your family for you aniexty. This will help you to cope with current crisis. I would go to the HR at work and explain that tpypu suffering. You should get sympathetic support from the company. Trust us, once you receiving medication it will take about six months to kick but please do not be dis-heartened. You are a truly an amazing person and I just hope this message gives you some comfort. Take care and be safe.
  4. What

    What Active Member

    I've heard that sales can be really stressful, too. You are probably good at it if you are used to hiding how you really feel with fake smiles and jokes for so many years. Sort of sadly ironic. I agree with Unknown you should try medication before suicide. That is what I am doing and it is driving me batshit insane waiting for the appointment to get started. Supposedly the psychiatrist is gonna have me try something that should numb me up and calm me the hell down and make this period of my life less daunting. I figure why the hell not since I don't care about my life anymore anyway, I can always off myself later if it doesn't work out. But waiting is ugh just ridiculously frustrating and crazy. We are in somewhat similar boats, too, although mine is having no job, no car, no money, no friends, no lover and living in the spare room of my mother's house. It's like being a demented caged animal and no matter how I spin it, the future is pointless. Even if I manage to get a job it will probably be minimum wage and not enough to have any independence. Which means no dating, no making friends, no hobbies, nothing. I am just the demented lady pacing and smoking and talking to herself all jittery at 3AM every night. Demented caged animal.

    BUT I am willing to give this medication a shot before conceding defeat and peacing the hell out. For you maybe it would be an anxiety medication or an anti-depressant or something like Lexapro which does both. For me it's gonna be an antipsychotic. But I still see no reason not to have a little experiment with pharma's magic drugs before making up my mind.
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