I dont think I can stand another week of the same. Its been building for a while and tonight it hit me hard and I nearly did it this time. I dont know what stopped me, too scared of the pain I think. What a coward I am. I frantically surfed the web soaking my keyboard with tears, trembling in fear and desperation, looking for advice or somewhere to offload it all and found this place. Im no longer crying or shaking but I feel wasted, empty. All I want to do is sleep for a long time and wake up to find everything is ok but I know that wont happen. Ill get my usual 3 or 4 hours sleep, if Im lucky and Ill wake up and immediately feel desperate and despairing then Ill feel angry that Im still stuck in this situation; Im still lonely, there's no one here to for me to smile at and kiss and begin the day with, instead I begin the day by crying. I think ahead to the next few days and weeks and I am filled with dread. Ive spent the last 4 days on my couch and have hardly moved, not even to get to my bedroom and sleep. I only get up to make food or use the bathroom. There's nowhere else for me to go anyway so Im stuck on my couch. I may even die on it and right now I hope I do.