I cant see any other way out...***trigger***

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by notwanting2live, Sep 14, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    ***language***IM screwed big style. i dont know what to do. ive been doing really well, and i have been trying to stop drinking. ive done really well but im really wanting to drink. but id rather die at the moment. i know how to do it. my dad slipped and told me that his tablets could kill me if i take enough coz of the dosage of the tablet itself. also i got another method. dont know if im gonna do it tonight but i need to do it soon. im feeling so fucked at the moment. all i keep on thinking is about the rape couple moths ago, and about my brother and what he did to me. also i feel really guilty about my nans death. i also feel to blame about my dad having cancer. coz ive heard that cancer is triggered by stress, and ive been giving him lots even though i hate him, i still love him deep deep deep down. i am so screwed at the moment. i havent used aerosols, or drank but i have cut. bbut using aerosols and drinking is good idea at the moment. i feel there is no other option about dying, but i just dont no what to do. im so stuck. my dads tried talking to me saying its not my fault, coz i told them in tears when the police was trying to arrest me as i didnt want to go home, as i felt so ashamed the fact that i caused my dad cancer, and that im putting my family through hell and back. im so stuck. i wish i could just crawl under a rock and die. i dont want to hurt the people i love. but i just dont no what else to do. i think that if i hurt people once more, that they would get over me pretty quic, as i wouldnt be causing them shit each nyt and each day. i am such a bitch. i cant do anything right i am such a failure. its my fault about the rape, about my brother, bout my dad, bout me failing, about me having the fucking stupid disorder and i just cause everyone stress. i cant handle this shit anymore. im just so stuck.
     
  2. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    (((hugs)))

    Why do you blame yourself for all these things that have happened to you?
     
  3. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    becuase it is my fault, i shouldnt have been there, and i should have been dead long time ago. i wish i wasnt born. then none of this would happen, and i wouldnt b a burden to everyone. including to everyone on SF, i just cant turn to anyone who i know in reality. not now, not ever. becuase hopefully after tonight...
     
  4. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    I can assure you are not a burden on SF. I dont know about your life, or about you as a person but I do know t's its easier to take the blame for what has happened that it is to put the blame where it belongs on those who have hurt us.
     
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Don't blame yourself for all of these things hun. :hug:
     
  6. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    but everything is my fault. if you look at some of my posts i bring it on myself. if i werent such a bitch to the world then none of this would happen. im feeling so fucking scared at the moment, and i feel so alone, although there are many people who could support me. but i cant turn to them. i cant even turn to my counsellor and tell her all the stuff that is in my head. besides she dont believe me bout the voices. no one does. they think im saying ive got voices coz im internilising things to much, but they are voices, and they drive me insane completely. i really need to speak to my old counsellor as i finally was able to spk to her and everything, but that aint an option because of my age. it sucks completely you know that.i should just be dead right now. im hoping it works this time round.
    i cant cope with this shit no mores, ive given up on everything. i used to be able to look at my nans stuff, and hold the ring i have of hers and think "you know what im gonna stick it out for her" but not anymores. i dont know why ive lost all connection to everything that ment dear to me. i dont care anymores, ive just given up on life completely, given up on love, hope, friendship, trust, good, belief, and everything else that gets screwed wid me. i cant do this anymore, i might as well be dead, and i will do that. like i said before, it might not be tonight but it mught be soon. im already on suicide list by the police and hospital. Ive got to 'report' to my counsellor each day and see her 3 times a week. ive missed last to sessions, but only because i havent been able to get out of work, and they know that keeping me in work is probably best as im 'safe' even though they havent even thought that there is powerful drugs there. i shouldnt even be working there, not that im complaining but its common sense. but mind you over here they dont. they gave me a razor when i was in pyshc. ward for almost killing myself.
    my family dont care, theyve given up on me, ive given up on me. i know i should talk to my counsellor but i find it so hard to do so, and i dont trust her. not becuase of her, its just i dont know her so i cant talk to her. but my other counsellor i could, but i cant exactly say please let me just talk to her once more, becuase they might think that i am obsessed with her, even though its only becuase i developed a bond with her, i was with her for 1 1/2 yrs so we got on well. i saw her every week, sometimes twice a week if i was having a rough time. but we did it on my terms, not becuase i was suicidal or nout.
    my best friend has helped me so mcuh through so much, even though she has been through so much herself, and to be honest shes the only one im scared of hurting, as she doesnt deserve more shit in her life. but then i think if i die, she wont have to worry bout if im gonna be able to meet her next morning, or am i going to be in hospitsl from ODing or in police cells for a place of safety. i need to take control but ive lost all control again, i dont care about how i look, how i feel. not eating much anymores, and im a big girl so this is saying something. im stupid for loving life, and I DESERVE TO FUCKING DIE. i should be aloud to rot in hell and becomea fucked up memory - mind you thats if anyone wants to memeber me - i dont.
     
  7. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    well thats it. im done for. im fucked. but never mind. its only me. what a fucking shame - NOT.
     
  8. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    sorry dont know what overcame me. thank you everyone that has supported me, and just read my posts. i know im fucked at the moment but i will be worse later so you know. i just given up everything, including my feeligns to care, yet i care bout other people and if i hurtr them - im so fucked up.
     
  9. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    ive only got couple days left then hopefully i will b dead. people dont know it bbut im hopiong i will die on saterday as i have a plan.
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't do this to yourself. Don't give up hope that things may get better. :hug:
     
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello notwanting2live,
    I am really sorry you have gotten to the point that you have decided to give up! You have faught to stay stable for along time. We at the forum are here for you!! You had nothing to do with your dad's cancer, your brother is a wingnut, and all those friends you don't trust can take a flying leap!!
    I am glad you have at least one good friend standing by you. It won't be fare to her if you commit!! She has stood beside you thru all this shit. Sit down and talk to her and let her know what you are doing. Maybe make this weekend a girls time out, go to a bed and breakfast some where out in the country and just enjoy life!! You really need a break from everything going at home!!
    Well I hope you get something out of my post because it comes from the heart. I may not know you very good but I want you to know I care!!Go And Have Fun this weekend!!:chopper:!!
     
  12. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    SORRY GUYS - REALLY AM. it didnt go through - im really gutted. i wish i was dead. i was put in pysch. ward for safety agaon :mad: not happy. why cant peopel just leave me die in peace. i think i should have went somewhere else though. i wasnt far away enough. dont care. i really cant give to shits anymore. im finding life, and happyness so hard at the moment. i give up on life and i give up with everything. i aint got any job now. was sacked from one, and i quit my other one, but before i new i got sacked. i cant look after people if i cant look after myself anymores. i dont care. im just waiting for my next chance. im beyond help. i am still hoping someone can help me to help myself, but many peopel has given up on me. stranger - i am very grateful for having my friend that has stuck by me, but i tend to hurt the poeple that i get very close to without knowing it when i need them most of all. i deserve it i know, but i dont care. well i do. see my head is so confused, i just wish that i could die tomorrow and no one would care, it would be alot easier. i dont want people to care for me, so it would be alot easier and painless to die as i cant survive anymore in this world. i cant.i know that sounds really harsh and selfish but im fed up of destroying peoples lifes anymore.
     
  13. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Do you still feel unable to talk to your new counsellor about this? I know you mentioned about not trusting her. It could prove very important to let her know that you have difficulties with the trust, its perfectly valid and understandable to feel this way, but perhaps important that she knows in order to understand the dynamics of the relationship a little more. You mentioned having a 'bond' with your previous counsellor and she would be the only one you would be sad to upset should you decide to die, perhaps this 'bond' is disabling you from moving forward with your new counsellor?

    You mentioned voices and I am concerned that you feel unsupported. I was wondering if you had considered the possibility of contacting Rethink http://www.rethink.org/ they have a brilliant advice service.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2008
  14. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    hey titanic thanks, ermm no its not my old counsellor i would be scared to upset its my best friend thati would be feelign really bad for. i feel really guilty. ive just had really bad news bout my dad. he has just been diagnosed with lymphoma cancer, throat cancer and a cancerous tumour in his gullet. his throat and lymphoma cancer is incurable. he has been given bout 3 yrs, the doctors said that he will be lucky if he makes his 50th birthday. he is 46 yrs old. i no i hate him, but still love him. i cant speak out to anyone bout what i feel about this, as its my dad that is going to die, but i wish i had it instead. so he wouldnt b stuffering and also i would b able to escape the pain and suffering of my self. i wish i could move on from my counsellors, and i really do get along with her, its just i dont no her. it took me about 8-9 months to get used to my other one so it takes me foreva to trust people.

    no im not gettin support, as they dont believe it, they think im just internilising shit. but at the end of day i no what im hearng, and if they choose not to help, i couldnt care less anymore. they voices dont conrtol me as such, they do in some sense as i cant get rid of them, but i just dont no what to do with them anymore, they are getting more and more scary. but people dont believe me so...
     
  15. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    heya news on my dad. he had his op today, well it was menna be but turns out the tumours r to big to operate on. he has to have intense chemo-radio therapy. im trying to stay strong but i cant. i new i should have died on saterday, before i herd this. becuase now when i do die, i will die with guilt. i donno what to do. [sorry bout my spelling, been drinking the majority of the day.] im so confdused on what to do. i really am. i just struggling so much, and everyone is trying to support my mum and thats what im trying to do as well as my dad, but it is so hard. i dont no what to do. i cant deal with this shit, icve neber thought that this qould happen to my dad, or any of my family until it did. my whole family on both of my parents sides have had some one wid cancer, but i always thought it would skip my parents.

    my life fucking sucks.
     
  16. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Hiya, sorry I got confused and thought you meant your former counsellor. I can identify with taking time in order to build trusting relationships. Sorry to hear your recent news about your dad. It seems to me that you have a big heart. You mention hating him and yet you wish it was you dieing in his place, have you forgiven your dad for the past? Am I right in assuming you had a difficult past with regards to your dad? Forgiving doesn't mean 'getting over' painful experiences, because this lessens with time and much healing.

    Re voices, sorry to hear that no-one is beleiving you, I beleive you. You say they are getting more and more scary and I assume you hear more than one voice at a time? How long have you been hearing these voices and do you recognise tone / pitch any likeness to anyone from your past, or does they sound like your own voice? Could it be that you are you punishing yourself perhaps?
     
  17. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Heya, ermm yeah ive had lots of difficulties with my dad, with him being violent and aggressive, to me and my mum. i cant forgive him, but i not going to hold it against him if you get me. i know that all those times that his made me scared, its his turn now, and that must sound really nasty, but i cant explain it anymore. its his turn to be scared, and im scared FOR him and not OF him.

    with the voices, it is really freaking me out yeh. ermm the two voices are of males, of which i dont recognised. got reassesed today, and i have to be reassessed again as they dont think 1 hr is long enough, as i havent even started sayin deep stuff to a complete stranger. so its another stranger that i gota talk to when i dont want to. i cant see why i just cant talk to one person, because i feel that they are just shunning me to a diffeent person to get rid of me. i havent told the new person bout the voices, i see whats the point when i wont be believed anyways. the voices are getting more controlling, and i thought at first that it WAS me interanlising shit, but it cant be the voices are so different to what i actually think.

    my dad means so much to me, but also so little at the same time. this is what is overthrowing me at the moment, considering i couldnt care less 2 months ago if he was dead, but now i do. it dont make sense, cz he is still the same knob head that was 2 months ago, but the difference is he is on borrowed time.
     
  18. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Allow me to make it very clear, as a point of science, that STRESS DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER. This is a function of his genes and his habits. You are NOT at fault in ANY sense for his cancer.
     
  19. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi notwanting2live. Please don't blame yourself for your dad getting cancer. Cancer is an awful genetic disease that can strike anyone at anytime. I'm a believer in the laws of karma and it seems like you believe it to some extent too. Your dad was violent and aggressive with you and your mom and now God is making him pay for it. I hope that he doesn't die, but if it is his time to go, then you have to let him go.

    As for hearing the two male voices. There aren't too many medical conditions that cause a person to hear voices (that I'm aware of). I know that schizophrenia causes voices, which can be pretty nasty at times. Another possibility (though probably unlikely), is that two male spirits have become attached to you. I'm guessing that you're a good looking female. I've done some paranormal reading and it seems that females are more likely to attract spirits than males (go figure). Don't let them frighten you. Tell them to get lost and dont come back. They can't harm you either. :hug:
     
  20. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Disagree with that statement, re God making him pay for it. That's not the kind and loving God I know anyways, it would make more sense if you said saten rather than God. God is a forgiver of sin (you need to ask for forgiveness), Jesus died on the cross for our sins, the Lord did not give up his only son in vein. Why do people blame God instead of putting the blame where it belongs and that's with mankind?! We all have a price to pay for our freedom.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2008
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.