***language***IM screwed big style. i dont know what to do. ive been doing really well, and i have been trying to stop drinking. ive done really well but im really wanting to drink. but id rather die at the moment. i know how to do it. my dad slipped and told me that his tablets could kill me if i take enough coz of the dosage of the tablet itself. also i got another method. dont know if im gonna do it tonight but i need to do it soon. im feeling so fucked at the moment. all i keep on thinking is about the rape couple moths ago, and about my brother and what he did to me. also i feel really guilty about my nans death. i also feel to blame about my dad having cancer. coz ive heard that cancer is triggered by stress, and ive been giving him lots even though i hate him, i still love him deep deep deep down. i am so screwed at the moment. i havent used aerosols, or drank but i have cut. bbut using aerosols and drinking is good idea at the moment. i feel there is no other option about dying, but i just dont no what to do. im so stuck. my dads tried talking to me saying its not my fault, coz i told them in tears when the police was trying to arrest me as i didnt want to go home, as i felt so ashamed the fact that i caused my dad cancer, and that im putting my family through hell and back. im so stuck. i wish i could just crawl under a rock and die. i dont want to hurt the people i love. but i just dont no what else to do. i think that if i hurt people once more, that they would get over me pretty quic, as i wouldnt be causing them shit each nyt and each day. i am such a bitch. i cant do anything right i am such a failure. its my fault about the rape, about my brother, bout my dad, bout me failing, about me having the fucking stupid disorder and i just cause everyone stress. i cant handle this shit anymore. im just so stuck.