Wherever I go, I can't help imagining different suicide scenarios. Without thinking about it, I find myself considering methods, times, locations, how people around me would react, how my family/people I know would react, what I would write in a note, that kind of thing. I've had thoughts of suicide before, but they've never been this persistent, invasive, and strong. Okay. This is when my big rant starts. I'm 14-year-old guy and have clinical depression. I've been seeing a therapist and I thought things were finally turning around. But now I'm worse off than when I started. When I look to the future, my mind usually just hits a blank wall. I simply can't see a future for myself. I've separated the contributing problems into four parts: social/personal stuff, life/existence stuff, humans/world stuff, and...well, I'll explain the fourth one later. I don't really have any friends, I have atrocious social skills, I fail and give up at almost everything, I have no real valuable abilities...all of that unpleasant social stuff. But I realize that who I am can change. Though that does affect me most directly on a day-to-day basis, I know that it's not permanent, so it doesn't weigh as heavily on me. More significant, though, is the whole life/existence deal. I'm an atheist, so I don't believe in God or any kind of fancy shmancy higher power deal. I believe life is just a product of chance in a ginormous universe. Due to this, I also believe that life and existence are completely pointless and meaningless. The only reason I continue living is that life can be good. Even though that feeling is just a biochemical signal in my brain, I'm human, and from a human perspective, it's great. But life can also suck. And I'm starting to realize that life is more sucky than it is good. This realization gives me no reason to continue living. The third issue relates to the nature of humans. All the suffering in the world really depresses me. I wish I could alleviate everyone's suffering and bear it in their places, but I can't. This inability to help really ways down on me. I doubt there's anyone in the world that doesn't know about human suffering at least to some degree; yet for some reason, almost everyone just looks the other way and continues on with their lives. Humans are so self-centered. In America, most people have to figure out if they'll have the low-fat raspberry Greek yogurt or the low-fat blueberry Greek yogurt. In other places, people have to figure out how they're going to get a meal that day. People know about this, but we're too busy watching NCIS and eating Big Macs to do anything about it. Humans are cruel enough that we can turn a blind eye to the immense suffering of others and live out our simple lives. The fourth issue...well, look up Freud's Oedipus Complex and you can probably figure out what it is. I just feel like such a fucked-up freak, if you'll pardon my language. Even though you probably won't say it, I think you'll agree. I'm pretty much an evolutionary failure. Pfuuu. That was a nice rant. If you have anything to say that's not unfriendly, please comment or reply or whatever. I think I'm going to just keep going downhill from here.