I Can't See My Life Continuing

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kokiri971, Sep 24, 2011.

  1. Kokiri971

    Kokiri971 Member

    Wherever I go, I can't help imagining different suicide scenarios. Without thinking about it, I find myself considering methods, times, locations, how people around me would react, how my family/people I know would react, what I would write in a note, that kind of thing. I've had thoughts of suicide before, but they've never been this persistent, invasive, and strong.

    Okay. This is when my big rant starts. I'm 14-year-old guy and have clinical depression. I've been seeing a therapist and I thought things were finally turning around. But now I'm worse off than when I started. When I look to the future, my mind usually just hits a blank wall. I simply can't see a future for myself.

    I've separated the contributing problems into four parts: social/personal stuff, life/existence stuff, humans/world stuff, and...well, I'll explain the fourth one later.

    I don't really have any friends, I have atrocious social skills, I fail and give up at almost everything, I have no real valuable abilities...all of that unpleasant social stuff. But I realize that who I am can change. Though that does affect me most directly on a day-to-day basis, I know that it's not permanent, so it doesn't weigh as heavily on me.

    More significant, though, is the whole life/existence deal. I'm an atheist, so I don't believe in God or any kind of fancy shmancy higher power deal. I believe life is just a product of chance in a ginormous universe. Due to this, I also believe that life and existence are completely pointless and meaningless. The only reason I continue living is that life can be good. Even though that feeling is just a biochemical signal in my brain, I'm human, and from a human perspective, it's great. But life can also suck. And I'm starting to realize that life is more sucky than it is good. This realization gives me no reason to continue living.

    The third issue relates to the nature of humans. All the suffering in the world really depresses me. I wish I could alleviate everyone's suffering and bear it in their places, but I can't. This inability to help really ways down on me. I doubt there's anyone in the world that doesn't know about human suffering at least to some degree; yet for some reason, almost everyone just looks the other way and continues on with their lives. Humans are so self-centered. In America, most people have to figure out if they'll have the low-fat raspberry Greek yogurt or the low-fat blueberry Greek yogurt. In other places, people have to figure out how they're going to get a meal that day. People know about this, but we're too busy watching NCIS and eating Big Macs to do anything about it. Humans are cruel enough that we can turn a blind eye to the immense suffering of others and live out our simple lives.

    The fourth issue...well, look up Freud's Oedipus Complex and you can probably figure out what it is. I just feel like such a fucked-up freak, if you'll pardon my language. Even though you probably won't say it, I think you'll agree. I'm pretty much an evolutionary failure.

    Pfuuu. That was a nice rant. If you have anything to say that's not unfriendly, please comment or reply or whatever. I think I'm going to just keep going downhill from here.
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Welcome at SF,

    I hope you'll find our community understanding and supportive. Something just being able to share our thoughts help alleviating the pain, if only for a moment. For sure, there is lots of suffering going on but also the spectacle of the human spirit engaging it and emerging the other side more compassionate and wiser. I tend to believe there is no growth without struggle. Being in pain often leads us to reach for the best in ourselves and in others. So, I would not say it is not hard to endure, but it is not meaningless. But this is a bit of a philosophical discussion. In the mean time, there is lots of good threads where people share how they manage to cope with depression you may want to look at. And also, dont hesitate in sharing your thoughts if you find this help.
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF! :D
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Humans have been asking whats the point since we developed language. Religion and philosophy try to answer this question, but in the end both fail. So I have adopted the stance that I want to look back at the end of my life and say "I enjoyed my existence". During my life I have no intention of reproducing. I don't really have any intention of having a permanent mate. When I die, I will likely be forgotten within a week. My body and possessions being the burden of the state. However, that is irrelevant. What matters is that I enjoy life now.

    I was a lot like you when I was your age. I was depressed and spent my time doing nothing and being angry at everyone. I regret it now, of course. Yes this part of most people's lives seems to go on forever. However, the best part about it is the fact that it ends. You can then pretend like it never happened. So take advantage of this time. If your social skills suck, work on them. There are tons of books out there about how to communicate and meet people. Practice, and you will get better. Stay at home and cry and you won't. Learn these social skills now. It will suck, and you will probably embarrass yourself. However, if you don't then you don't learn.

    I think you need to take the things you listed off as your flaws and fix them. Those of us who suffer from depression do not see these as what they are, goals. Who knows, maybe things can get better. Success always makes me feel better.
  5. Kokiri971

    Kokiri971 Member

    Thanks for your comments everyone :)

    I guess the worst part is the suffering of others. Yeah, social skills, I can improve. The pointlessness of life, well, that's not necessarily bad. The other thing I mentioned, it should dissipate soon enough. But the suffering never will. I can help, I can try to alleviate the suffering of a few people for a short time. But the reality of it is that life is suffering. It is a fact of existence. It cannot be changed, it will never go away. The only way I can be happy is to be ignorant of this suffering. I would rather die. If this is the way the world is and always will be, then I don't want to live in it.