i can't seem to get rid of it!

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by SweetSurrender, Jul 11, 2008.

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  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    i just cannot seem to get rid of SH. i can go months without doing anything then something happens, i get slightly stressed and immediately i want to cut and my brain can't get away from it. I spend stupid days of trying to stop myself from getting that damn razor blade - why the hell did i even start SH'ing?! - 5 horrid yrs later and here i am still but now i have scars that i doubt will ever fade. I'm not ashamed of them but they are grotesque, all purple and thick on my arm :( . I still need it though because i'm still so emotionally stunted that i cannot cope without it. The thought of giving it up fills me with absolute fear. Why, why, why can't i be like everyone else? It seems the only way i can get control is by opening my skin or by emptying my stomach. This seems to be the only thing that i can claim to be mine. I hate it but i also love it. I'm sick - but why can't i just do this? Why is making myself bleed such a bad thing? :argh:
     
  2. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    do you know what triggers you?
     
  3. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    ususally stress or lack of control over a situation. If i'm not in complete control then i'm lost. So that would include situations when i'm angry, upset etc. Such little things can set me off - talking to someone that i feel doesn't really like me, thinks i'm stupid etc, feeling lonely.....too many! But mostly, lack of control.
     
  4. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    i know how you feel.

    like when i SH, sometimes its not really me. like i watch myself do it..

    you can have the self control
    but it's not easy

    if you ever need help tho,
    you can PM me.
     
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I know what you mean, I'm in the same boat. Personally speaking I don't know if self harm ever really leaves. I think the most important thing is to refrain from giving in to the urges and hopefully as time goes on, the urges will lessen, especially if you find another way to let out your feelings. When you get an urge to self harm - don't - be proud of yourself if you stop yourself because in this way you are staying in control, self harm is controlling.
     
  6. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    thanks guys for your support - it's good to hear from other people who understand, i don't get to talk it out in reality so it is nice to just be able to say all these things and not have to worry about people thinking anything too much! I do try to resist urges and i'm pretty proud with what i can pull myself through, i've not binge and purged in a month or 2 now :smile: and have only superficially cut so that is a big improvement for me. It is just so hard to resist, actually it isn't the resisting that is hard, it is the tension that builds up that is hard to handle. I hate my body aching from needing a release. I always believed that SH urges would lessen in time too but i've been working on it for awhile now and it seems to come in waves. I guess we all have to ride those waves though eh? Plus find a way to release the tension in a healthy way....if anyone finds a way, that isn't talking about stuff because words can't describe SH emotions (that's why we cut afterall, otherwise we'd be all journal writers :dry:) and doesn't involve running - let me know :biggrin: Btw does anyone have therapy for their SH, i'm meant to be getting some but i'm not a massive fan of cognitive therapy, makes me feel like it is my fault, even though i know that it is just putting you in 'control' of your emotions....doesn't seem possible to me, maybe that is my problem...sceptical from the start :cool: take care all
     
  7. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    i'm riding a massive frigging huge wave right now and i do not want to crash!!!!!!!! there is nothing to hold onto! I'm getting out of this room. Damn me.

    :wallbash::wallbash::wallbash:
     
  8. Tnecniv

    Tnecniv Well-Known Member

    you can't stop self harming cause when you self harm (or get hurt in any situation) your brain produses natural "drug" called (I don't know if it is called this in english) endorfins, and that is a drug you can get adicted to, so if you can't stop self harming, then that MAY be cause you are now addicted...

    (I hope your not)
     
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