I can't stand being a guy anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kittylover, Apr 16, 2010.

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  1. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I don't want to live anymore - it hurts too much. My gender dysphoria from just trying to get through the day is really severe now. I sit alone at lunch in my company's cafeteria because I hurt too much.

    Seeing women at work will trigger me because I feel so jealous. I hate having to fake that I'm a guy. It takes too much out of me, and then I don't want to work.

    I feel completely deprived of a female identity and life. I want to cuddle with my (male) best friend but can't because I'm a guy.

    I've been on hormones for 2 years now and there doesn't seem to be any hope that I could ever look female enough to pass. I see no reason to think that things would ever change. The male-to-female transsexual people who do pass had a better starting point than me.

    I wake up most days only to cry for an hour before work. I cry after work, too, like tonight. I'm miserable with no way out. Please help...
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member


    I don't have the same issues as you regarding my gender identity but did struggle coming to terms with being bisexual a lot.
    I do want to say I have read your post and can feel your pain across the internet and my heart and love goes out to you.

    Would you like to talk more? I am sorry but I am a little unclear and you or have you made the change?

    I may not be able to relate exactly but I do care and am here for you.
  3. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I haven't had surgery, if that's what you meant. I've just been on hormones, and still living as a guy.

    I need to be held =(
  4. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry your going through this, I cant imagine how it must feel. I dont know what i can do for you, but I am here if you ever need anything
  5. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Are you planning on going through with the surgery at any point? And have you thought about facial reconstruction of any kind (cosmetic surgery) to help you pass a little more. There are so many options, obviously I, once again, cannot imagine how difficult this must be, but I do know how it feels to look at people and become triggered with the most immense jealously and almost hatred because you want what they have (I suffer from body dysmorphia).

    Is there anybody in your life that you can talk to? Everybody needs to be held sometimes. :)
  6. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I talk to people a lot, but nobody really helps me at all.

    My psychiatrist keeps having me try different drugs, and none of them help me feel better.
    My therapist hears what I have to say, but can't do anything to help me.
    My best friend gets angry when I tell him how I cry and wish myself dead. He sees it as a waste of time and get on my case.
    My parents are still in denial about me. Today my father said he doesn't understand it, since I showed no signs of gender problems when I was a child.

    I've seen several therapists in the past few years. I've been locked up in the psych ward. I've tried support groups. None of these things has really helped me, and now I'm getting desperate. I'm beginning to think that there isn't any help out there for me.

    I wish I had the courage to kill myself. I don't get anything out of life anymore except pain.
  7. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    I've had friends and a lover who have gone through this. I know, if only from an outside perspective, how hard it can be to be so totally in conflict with society's expectations and loved one's perceptions. Please feel free to message me. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right fit for really effective support. Hang in there, you deserve to live happily in whatever way you choose!
  8. sarah2501

    sarah2501 Member

    Hi Kitylover,

    I don't know what words I could offer that can help, but if you ever wanna talk send me a message.

    I'm post-op btw.
    I have no way of knowing what you look like, but I think we are always our worst critics. For ages I thought I would never pass, and I have to admit even now I wonder if I do - but friends give me positive feedback ( thats what friends do right?) and I've never had any issues out and about - so I just get on with life.

    There might be other options for you - androgyny perhaps - but from your email I guess you desire to pass and go fulltime/surgery. Lots of Transwomen pass, and as many if not maybe more don't pass particulary well - but they get on with there lives and as far as I can tell would never wish to go back.

    Remember passing isn't a miracle cure to happiness - there will be struggles along the way if you pass or not - I guess its how you approach those struggles that counts. Obviously society can be one big barrier to how well things go and how happy in life you can be - and where you live might mean passing is more or less important.

    For me I transitioned at the place I still work - I was expecting my family and all of work to totally reject me - I couldn't have been more wrong - I got lots of acceptance and I feel quite bad about being so negative about human nature.
    Of course there were a couple of people at work who were difficult - but I think its a matter of how you hold yourself - in the end they were the ones who found themselves isolated, not me.

    A recent story that got lots of press attention in the UK was that of a Captain in the paras (not me btw) - google for Jan Harrision and probably daily mail and you should find something on her (not sure about rules of posting links here) It might give you inspiration.

    Not sure if I'm helped anyway, hope I might have, if only a little.
    Keep strong
    Sarah x
  9. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    It's an understandable feeling. Hope things work out, and we're always here to talk if you need to. Though I do feel that us guys are just as capable of being sensitive, creative, complex, charming, emotionally in-depth and even as pretty as many women. I'm sure there are a lot of women who have met, say, a male writer or artist, who would say exactly the same thing. Don't let anyone tell you that there's no such thing as a beautiful bloke.

    I do understand your feelings. You feel that the possibility of beauty is so hideously beyond your grasp and being male in part restricts the potential for being beautiful. I just hope that one day you'll be truly happy, that you'll be able to live with yourself. :smile:
  10. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    That must suck... But hey, you can still get with guys... there's no problem there. I have similar feelings although it doesn't bother me that much. I think I only have these feelings because I hate myself and how I look so much but I find girls to be beautiful and I want to be beautiful too. Also I think life would be easier as a girl. Idk,,
  11. F_Immunized_7

    F_Immunized_7 Active Member

    hi sorry if i sound rude,

    but did u want not to be a guy since born ? or ? sorry if i offended you but this is just for my knowledge
  12. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I had some awareness of feeling something was wrong with my gender since age 5 or so. My intense feelings didn't start until age 20 or so, though. I'm now 28, and have been on hormones since 26.
  13. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    I can relate. I went through the same kind of thing. I knew 'something' was wrong early on but didn't put a finger on it until mid twenties. I'm 31 and I've been on estrogen since Nov `08.

    And alot of us go through this kind of despair. I've made multiple suicide attempts, although mine were more because I was having a hard time dealing with being a social outcast when I started my transition.

    I can tell you just what a friend told me when I was in the same situation: The world and so many of your family and friends will remember the boy you and will probably put your boy name on your headstone. That's not how I want to be remembered.

    Also, if you do die now, you never will be able to finish transitioning. As for me, I haven't had any surgery yet myself, but I really want it and if I kill myself now, I won't be able to get it.

    Trust me; there are lots of trans people out there who have gone through the exact same thing and we're here for you. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a PM, ok?

    *hugs* You'll get through this.
  14. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I've been feeling a little better lately. Maybe it's this Cymbalta the shrink has me on. I dunno.

    I haven't cried a whole lot lately. Maybe I'm not letting myself?

    *hugs all* :IrishDoll:
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