I can't stand feeling like this!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hey guys,

    I wasn't really sure where to post this, as I am really looking for some honest and practical advice but everything mainly centres around my suicidal thoughts. So I figured that I would post in here.

    Last week I was discharged from hospital after a severe bout of depression with severe suicidal ideation and behaviour. It was quite a traumatic admission (that's another story). I ended up getting sectioned and was on 24/7 suicide watch for 2 weeks, then for a further 2 weeks at night, then the odd day here and there when I was riled up. I am a lot better now but I am still really struggling and it's distressing me.

    Although I feel considerably better than I did before going into hospital, I am still really struggling. Before I got so ill, I used to get through my bad days by just keeping going and never stopping. Work meant everything to me and no matter how bad things got I wouldn't give up. I was still going to work up until the day I went into hospital. Now, I can barely function. It's not med related or anything as thankfully my meds aren't sedating. I just feel like I'm wrestling with myself constantly just to do simple things like shower or brush my teeth. I have managed to get done all the things I needed to get done, but it was exhausting. It feels like I'm being held down constantly and I'm fighting to just even move. I understand that this can be common after a spell in hospital because you get used to having meals being made and no housework to do, so on and so forth. I have been told this is just an adjustment period. I'm not sure. I've never felt like this before, and I feel dreadful.

    When I left hospital I really did believe that finally I may conquer this illness. It was the first time I had found hope in such a long time. The meds seemed to be working, my mood lifted, I was getting extra support outside of hospital, supportive family etc. But now I feel hopeless. I was trying to be gentler to myself by telling myself this was just temporary whilst I got used to being at home. But after my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday I am not sure what to think. I told him that I am really lethargic and unmotivated and that I feel as though a piece of me is missing and all the happiness inside me has been sucked out. I also don't see a future; I feel completely hopeless. I feel like things are never going to get better and like everything is futile. I resent taking my meds (all meds not just psych) but I know what will happen if I stop and I reluctantly take it. My psych said that I should try to look at things more philosophically. He said that I've tried medication and therapy and I still feel that way so my answer lies elsewhere. He told me to pretend I am talking to my thoughts (the enemy) and see if there is some truth in it. He said I might find there is some truth in those thoughts but it would help me accept them and move on.

    I do see where he is coming from, but I can't help but feel like he was politely and indirectly trying to say that we've done the whole meds and therapy thing and despite best efforts I only feel a little less depressed and that this may be as good as things are going to get. He's always told me he doesn't think my answer and path lies in just meds and therapy. He's tried to get me to look more spiritually and philosophically because I am an intelligent woman who can make sense of these things.

    I feel all in a tizz over this and I feel quite distressed. I am usually quite a high functioner and I used to have goals and ambitions. It distresses me to think that this is as good as it's gonna get for me. I can't live like this. I just cannot do it. It's just not me. I really feel like I am dying a very slow and painful death. I know part of this problem is because I haven't accepted this, but I don't want to accept it. Why should I accept it? I'm just bumbling along, existing.

    However with that being said, I still feel like there's something I'm missing. There's something I'm just not seeing. I do not want to die, I want to live. Not just cope, but to live. But I am just not seeing what it is that I need to carry on living. I want to find that answer before I die. I want to know that I tried everything I could to make things good again but I did anything permanent. But I can't see it. I need help to find the piece of me that's missing.
     
  2. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    No one can predict the future with certainty, if at all. Many people have been told that due to their physical health they have mere months to live, and they have proved those predictions totally false. Somehow, some way, sometimes in an inexplicable way.
    I definitely don't think your psych is accurate in this prediction; I would take it at best as a possible POV of his at the moment; not something set in stone.
    How long have you been with this pdoc?

    Some people also get almost miraculous help and find recovery through spiritual and alternative methods: some swear it is way more effective than pills. It can be yoga, meditation, mantras, hynotherapy or whatever spiritual healing may be available. Some also swear by a total shift in diet--probably no meat/sugar type. I had read at least one account of this some time ago. So, this may be a viable suggestion he has made. It may be a good complement to current treatment.

    If you want to try everything; maybe you can try one of those or some combination if possible. They may all sound like crap, or you probably really do not want to do it or may not have the energy to but if you can force yourself, they just may help. Of course, they may take some time as unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any overnight fix.

    I'm sorry you heard the sort of news that made you contemplate that things may not get better, but it is possible that they will. We do not need to foresee things for them to happen tbh--the best things they say happen unexpectedly; we do however have to hold on, try, and be around to witness and experience it though.

    Hugs, Lexi!
     
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Lexi, I can relate to how you feel, especially when you say you "keep on going and get everything done".
    I did this last year when my Mom was sick in hospital then when she passed away and I had everything to get cleared up with her estate. I used my prescription pain medication abusively to give me energy to get through it. I've been off it now for over 5mnths, but the fatigue, lack of motivation still gets overwhelming and I feel like it's never going to get better.
    Anyway I came across something called adrenal fatigue, where you keep pushing yourself and your body stays in a constant state of dumping adrenaline, kind of the regulator is broken. Since then I've been trying to find a nutritional answer too the problem and I still am. This is just a thought Lexi, maybe it's not that at all but something you can look at. Here's a couple of links to some info to see if it lines up.
    Hope you feel better
    Brian
    Links

    https://adrenalfatiguesolution.com/adrenal-fatigue-symptoms/

    https://www.drlam.com/blog/75-signs-adrenal-fatigue-symptoms/1970/

    https://adrenalfatigue.org/what-is-adrenal-fatigue/
     
    Gisela likes this.
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    @AlexiMarie7 Thank you for your reply. I am a firm believer that to achieve good mental health you need to make life style changes as well as take meds and go to therapy etc. Before I went into hospital I had been doing slimming world and I'd lost over a stone and was eating better. It's something that I want to go back and do because not only was I eating healthily, it got me out the house and I met new people. I want to try meditation and yoga too, but it's not something I can do right now because my concentration and motivation is shot. I am hoping this lethargic and apathetic me is just temporary so I can get stuff done. It feels like torture to even move and it just makes me want to cry because I feel so pathetic.

    @Brian777 Thank you for your reply. Adrenal fatigue isn't something that I've heard of before. I'm not sure if it applies to me. Although I tried to keep myself as busy as I could prior to going into hospital, I don't feel like I overdid it. And whilst I do get mild anxiety from time to time, it's not really something that significantly affects my life so my adrenaline is not popping off all over the place. Part of me wonders if how dreadful I feel now is just me not liking my own company and out of a routine. If that's the case then I am going to have to be uber strict with myself. I've not been completely useless, I've done household chores, been out, met up with friends, been to appointments etc. but I still am struggling. I wonder if I will feel like this until I go back to work. But the sad thing is, is that I feel so dreadful I can't even picture myself going back.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Anyone?? :(
     
  6. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    I am here Butterfly, how can I help you?
     
  7. bobbob

    bobbob Well-Known Member

    Bearing in mind all the health problems that you have to deal with, you are one of the strongest people I know. I think that strength will carry you through this hard time.
     
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Heh, What's up? You ok?
     
  9. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    Are you sure there is nothing else going on Butterfly. Im just saying this because about a year ago I was diagnosed with M.E or chronic fatigue syndrome. At first they thought It was down to my depression and anxiety but after a while they gave me this diagnosis xxx
     
  10. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    Hi, lady. Have you managed to get in the walks you were thinking of? On safe pre-planned routes.

    Do you have any shows you are into or can find to get into and either binge watch or save to watch as needed for distraction? Do you have any kinds that you like in particular--I will try to suggest some.

    Also, concentration is not a prerequisite for yoga if you still want to try. You do what can with how you are on any day, even if that's just sitting up for half the time, and lying down for the other half. Or getting in one stretch or full inhale/exhale.

    Looking for you in/around chat later.
     
  11. lainylou

    lainylou Active Member

    Oh it often comes on after an operation, or trauma x