Hey guys, I wasn't really sure where to post this, as I am really looking for some honest and practical advice but everything mainly centres around my suicidal thoughts. So I figured that I would post in here. Last week I was discharged from hospital after a severe bout of depression with severe suicidal ideation and behaviour. It was quite a traumatic admission (that's another story). I ended up getting sectioned and was on 24/7 suicide watch for 2 weeks, then for a further 2 weeks at night, then the odd day here and there when I was riled up. I am a lot better now but I am still really struggling and it's distressing me. Although I feel considerably better than I did before going into hospital, I am still really struggling. Before I got so ill, I used to get through my bad days by just keeping going and never stopping. Work meant everything to me and no matter how bad things got I wouldn't give up. I was still going to work up until the day I went into hospital. Now, I can barely function. It's not med related or anything as thankfully my meds aren't sedating. I just feel like I'm wrestling with myself constantly just to do simple things like shower or brush my teeth. I have managed to get done all the things I needed to get done, but it was exhausting. It feels like I'm being held down constantly and I'm fighting to just even move. I understand that this can be common after a spell in hospital because you get used to having meals being made and no housework to do, so on and so forth. I have been told this is just an adjustment period. I'm not sure. I've never felt like this before, and I feel dreadful. When I left hospital I really did believe that finally I may conquer this illness. It was the first time I had found hope in such a long time. The meds seemed to be working, my mood lifted, I was getting extra support outside of hospital, supportive family etc. But now I feel hopeless. I was trying to be gentler to myself by telling myself this was just temporary whilst I got used to being at home. But after my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday I am not sure what to think. I told him that I am really lethargic and unmotivated and that I feel as though a piece of me is missing and all the happiness inside me has been sucked out. I also don't see a future; I feel completely hopeless. I feel like things are never going to get better and like everything is futile. I resent taking my meds (all meds not just psych) but I know what will happen if I stop and I reluctantly take it. My psych said that I should try to look at things more philosophically. He said that I've tried medication and therapy and I still feel that way so my answer lies elsewhere. He told me to pretend I am talking to my thoughts (the enemy) and see if there is some truth in it. He said I might find there is some truth in those thoughts but it would help me accept them and move on. I do see where he is coming from, but I can't help but feel like he was politely and indirectly trying to say that we've done the whole meds and therapy thing and despite best efforts I only feel a little less depressed and that this may be as good as things are going to get. He's always told me he doesn't think my answer and path lies in just meds and therapy. He's tried to get me to look more spiritually and philosophically because I am an intelligent woman who can make sense of these things. I feel all in a tizz over this and I feel quite distressed. I am usually quite a high functioner and I used to have goals and ambitions. It distresses me to think that this is as good as it's gonna get for me. I can't live like this. I just cannot do it. It's just not me. I really feel like I am dying a very slow and painful death. I know part of this problem is because I haven't accepted this, but I don't want to accept it. Why should I accept it? I'm just bumbling along, existing. However with that being said, I still feel like there's something I'm missing. There's something I'm just not seeing. I do not want to die, I want to live. Not just cope, but to live. But I am just not seeing what it is that I need to carry on living. I want to find that answer before I die. I want to know that I tried everything I could to make things good again but I did anything permanent. But I can't see it. I need help to find the piece of me that's missing.