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I can't stand it!

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cots

Well-Known Member
#1
I can't stand it.

I can't stand my OCD. I can't stand my responsibilities. I can't stand not being able to escape.

I can't stand the fact that my feelings are always rendered invalid. I can't stand that my entire existence revolves around putting up an act so that my parents won't get triggered.

I get triggered too! I am losing sleep! My hands are numb and my heart races at night too! But why am I the only one who MUST put up with it? My parents literally said they had me because they wanted someone to care for them and that it's my duty to do that. But I am human too! They have been very kind to me and still are but right now I feel like everything is a lie. My existence is a lie. I have never felt this lonely.

I want to float away. I don't think there is anything to continue living for. No one cares about me genuinely enough to miss me when I'm gone. I'm done.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
I'm sorry your parents are so hard on you. You deserve as much consideration as you give them. I know it's especially difficult right now, but this won't last forever. Can you 'escape' into some good music or a favorite movie? Give your mind a break.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#3
Hey there. I don't have much advice per say, but what I will say is that your feelings are always valid here, and we care about you loads. I can't say I'd miss you when you're gone because I don't know you, that's the truth - but I'm sure I'll be thinking about you for the next week, at least.

@sinking_ship 's suggestion is a great one. Finding a way to escape is brilliant. Music, movie, writing, reading, art, something you love. Maybe as a kid, that you never carried forward. Or something completely new. Here is also an escape too - talk on the chat, join in with discussions. Be in a place where people care about what you have to say and where you feel like you belong.

Sending big hugs

Em
 
#4
Hi. I am sorry you are feeling so bad.

I can relate to having OCD - although none of my compulsions are germ related (I think you said you were a germaphobe on another thread) - I know it can suck when it disrupts your daily life. I know things must be especially hard with the current world situation. I'm also sorry your parents are being hard on you.

Have you explored treatment options for your OCD such as therapy or medication? If you feel either of these may help you, you should visit your doctor. As for coping right now, as mentioned above, a great way is to try and do something you love whether that be watching a movie or painting.

Hope things can get better for you. Sending hugs *hug10.
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#5
My parents literally said they had me because they wanted someone to care for them and that it's my duty to do that. /QUOTE]

Ok, that one sentence there is one I have a problem with. As a parent I CHOSE to have a child. I CHOSE to be responsible for them. They didn't choose to be born. The child is NOT responsible for the adult.

You're responsible for yourself. No-one else. By all means try your best not to trigger them, it's the humane thing to do but that doesn't mean you're whole life should be devoted to their happiness. It doesn't mean that YOUR feelings aren't valid. They are. YOU are valid. And one day, when you're old enough and have the means - you'll leave their home and go make your own. THAT'S your escape. You only have to make it until then.
 

cots

Well-Known Member
#6
Thanks everyone for responding. Am feeling less down now.

Yes, I'm germaphobic and it's hard to go out given the situation right now. I have to clean and sanitise everything and it gets tiring.

My parents are usually nice people. I think it's their anxiety that caused them say such things. Still hurts to hear it though.

I'm already in my thirties but at where I am, property law is very complicated and it's not easy because land is scarce. I guess I'll need to just learn how to not make my parents feel triggered.

I'm currently reading as a form of escape. It's quiet and I can read anywhere, anytime. Transporting myself to a fictional world takes my mind off things. Thanks for suggesting that I indulge in an activity.
 
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