I'm always struggling always trudging, trying to get to tomorrow. I've had four suicide attemmpts in the last month(which makes 9 in total). It's become something other than a "cry for help". I'm not a human I'm a monster that infects people's brains. i feel outside of time and space. Every minute I just want to close my eyes never to open them again. I don't belong here. I'm in a glass box.I'm an alien. I've been trying so hard and so long. Everyone is all "give these meds a chance to work". But honestly I don't want to try anymore.I've been on 6 different med. at this point I don't even deserve to be better. I've tried to guilt myself into not doing it. tried to think of how sad my mom and familly and people who love me would be. I can't feel anything. I feel no guilt or remorse for any of it. Not in the selfish way but a "it be easier on everyone" way. I want to feel something anything that would make me stop. I've lost the ability to feel love from my family and friends. I've only stayed alive this long because it hasn't been the right time. I'm not alive for me,I was alive for everyone else,but not anymore I only kill them. I was going to make a goal of atleast making it to graduation..but I don't know anymore. I feel the next thing I have plannned will be the last..because I will succeed.