I can't stand this anymore.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by bluedays, Jun 8, 2007.

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  1. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    I am new here and desperately reaching out for help and support as I feel so trapped by my life and don't know what to do.

    I know that suicidal thoughts come when your pain outweighs your coping mechanisms. I've studied it, I've read about it, I've tried to be logical about it. I've even read suicide memorial pages to try to gauge the pain left for my loved ones if I were to be gone.

    I wouldn't go through with it, first I am too chicken and second I know how it would hurt my mom and my husband. And third, I have too many responsibilities in the immediate crises we're going through to ditch them right now. But I can't stand to live anymore either. Life is excruciating.

    I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I've tried medications and none of them worked for me, they just made me sicker. Now I have no medical insurance as I'm on disability yet we don't qualify for extra help, so I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. I have a good naturopath and when my situational stress is low, I can get by pretty well at times. But the stress is beyond awful right now.

    My best friend died suddenly of an accidental overdose 2 years ago. I have had 2 miscarriages in the last year. I have many health problems. I was in an auto accident a few months ago and am rehabbing a back injury when I can get myself out of the house to do it. My in-laws are nightmarishly toxic. And I am taking care of an elderly mom who is in the midst of 2 eye surgeries (the second one is Tuesday). We are financially stretched beyond what we can do. Saturday we got a call from our landlord of 13 years saying she's selling to developers and we have to move. Not only can we not even come close to affording to rent (much less buy) in today's real estate market in our city, but we don't have the greatest credit and my husband has a few misdemeanors on his record - so no application on earth would approve us even if we do beat someone out to get to the few affordable places first.

    I feel like the 3 of us and our 3 cats have to leave our little sanctuary with my porch and my flowers and birdfeeders, and we're going to be homeless or in some drug-ridden low income apartment somewhere. And my depression and anxiety was at a breaking point before all this happened. I don't belong in this world anymore.

    I just lay in bed praying for God to take me, then I get scared I'll get really sick and be more of a burden on everyone. My husband misses me. I'm adding stress to my mom. I know everyone thinks I am crazy. I see absolutely no hope anymore.
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi bluedays,

    First of all, welcome to the forum. I am glad that you found us and felt able to post here what you're going through.. hope it helps a little too to know that you're not alone.

    Sorry to hear that you feel trapped by life at the moment; it sounds like you have been through so much, and that there's still a lot to come. All the changes that you have been/are going through sound so very stressful - they would be enough to stress anyone out, but adding to that the fact that you suffer from severe depression and anxiety just makes it so much harder to think about and deal with.

    I wish I could say or do something to help.. unfortunately over the internet I am not able to physically reach out, but I can emotionally. Please know that if you ever want to talk about how you're feeling, the forum and i are here for you. You can always drop me a PM and i'll get back to you as soon as i can.

    Thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way
    Jenny x
  3. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    i'm so sorry to hear about your plight. i really don't know what to say. if i can be of any emotional support in any way, i'm here to help. :hug:
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