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I can't stop crying

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And I feel pain in my gut
Unlike previous times, I think I might really do it
It's not wishful thinking anymore
There was a point where the fear of upsetting my family was more important than my own suffering
But earlier today I found an effective chemical method
And I'm scared and I can't stop crying and shaking in my bed
Nobody knows.

I hate myself so much. Nothing can fix me, I'm so broken inside.
I realised that even if I told my family about my unhappiness, they would probably think I was making up excuses for not being the over achiever they hoped I would be.

I tried to embark on a career and lifestyle that would put me at peace with the idea of staying alive. Every time I try to advance, I fail. Something always happens. It's like I'm not in control of my life and the universe despises me. It's been 4 years and I'm tired f trying. I'm exhausted.

There is so much anger in me, trauma and hurt from sexual abuse, from abuse of trust, from not being taken seriously, from not being cared about. I'm trying to move on but it's not working. I feel like I don't have a choice. I just dream of idyllic stuff that will never happen.

Like why would I stay alive? I keep asking myself if there's something that will keep me from doing it. My family would but it's not enough anymore.

I'm so messed up, I'm beyond repair and I'm so pathetic all I can do is cry while everyone is asleep, then walk around like I'm in control during the day.

I don't control shit. Life is against me. I'm too weak. I can't fight. So I cry :(


Well-Known Member
Hey eyea

Please don't do anything.

Try not to let those thoughts dominate things.

If you can do something and do not feel sleepy then write some more and tell us what has changed things?

you say fear of upsetting family would have stopped you - but not now?

Actually its more than upset - if I lost a younger niece or nephew I'd be really devastated - I think 'shattered' is the word.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad for wanting to die - your being honest and that is a brave thing these days when people just pretend.

We cannot pretend - its doing that what makes many want to die. You got to open up and coming here is BIG step and I want you to know that you've done a great thing although - sure - it might not seem that way right now.

You say nobody knows - WE do and for now I do - and I got to say that you've been an Olympic champion holding it in for others - but you got to think of yourself and how you'd feel if a friend or loved one never told you about wanting to die?

If they did die - would you not cry because you wanted them to open up to you?

You got to open up.

You have.

And keep doing so - and we will be able to relate to you and your pain and to advise you.

Right now I would say to dispose of this chemical in a safe manner. Set aside suicide because you have shared your pain and I accept you without even asking why you feel this way.

i know how it feels - been there lots of times and would have taken photos but it was too damn dark!

But there is a glimmer of light for everyone - hope is there.

right now I have a candle burning for hopeless13 - a young girl just has just had ECT and not even ate for 3 days! She lives lone and got out of hospital and is so brave!!!I pray for her - and yorkshirelass - cutuepie - angee and for you also.

and everyone really.

I do give a sh**! I mean I hate for you to be thinking this way and I guess your young also - well - I been there it is hard at times but life can be a wonderful thing also and there are good things out there - good people who don' hurt others and who care.

So please open up a little more and I wish you all the best and send my good wishes and hope you can find a little sense in what I say.

thanks for reading.

Hope you stay with us and I'd like to see you accept you ought to just go to bed for now and we can talk tomorrow

PM me if you want to talk now.

Are you in England?


PS - just read about the abuse - I am so very sorry for you and for all who suffered that betrayal.

But abusers do not take that part of you which can love. You give love willingly - not manipulated or coerced. I know it seems a long way away - a dream! - but love is a beautiful thing and I hope one day you meet someone nice. There are so many nice guys out there - I know it is difficult to see that when you have been abused. The abuse shapes a perception - but I know women (men also) who have suffered horrendous abuse and who did eventually emerge as stronger and better people, Now - they are the sort of women who would comfort you - tell you that thy were abused also and now they are married or living with someone - kids, and a home LOVE is the overriding vibe.

Your life - your mistakes so far - they do not define you.

Having depression - this is not what life will always be like.

It seems that way when your in bed alone and have nothing but your thoughts for company - so put some music one maybe - headphones! And tell us more about what you like in life - what dream would you like to happen.

Peace of mind?

I'd say!

Best of Luck!!!!
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Well-Known Member
Hi Eyae,

I can empathize completely with your dilemma. For many years - at least 10 - I tried to be something that somebody else envisioned. It never worked. Time after time I failed. My life turned around into a wonderful existence once I completely stopped. I know I'm lucky, but I can't help but feel that if I can do it many others can too.

When we try to please others, often we don't meet their expectations and both they and we are disappointed. They get over their disappointment, but for us it is devastating.

It still hurts me, in a deep place, that I loved my ex-wife more than I loved myself and that she couldn't see that. So now I'm probably going through what is normally just a break up. I'm sad about it, but I gave it my all and couldn't meet the impossible demands. Now I just meet my demands, and I have success back in my life. Maybe it isn't her success - but who cares about her, she didn't care about my well-being. It is my success, and I can revel in it.

I hope you are doing ok, and look forward to hearing more about you.

Thank you all for your kind words, I am touched more than you can imagine. I feel guilty about posting here. I don't really like to "dump" my stuff on other people, I tend to think that my pain should be my burden but these days I don't really know what to do. I'm really touched that you care.

I think I was having a panic attack last night, I couldn't breathe after I posted this and just went to bed. I wish I could say that I feel better today :( I woke up disappointed to be alive but I had to go out and run errands. I think I alienated my brother who was happy to join me. He said I looked tense and decided not to accompany me in the end. I feel bad about it :( but I couldn't help being moody.
I came back early in the afternoon and I think I started feeling like last night again, so I just ran to my room. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe. Eventually I just slept and woke up now. I'm still hiding in my room. I feel so sad, and I feel so bad. I feel guilty. I'm just falling apart and I don't understand why everything about me has to become complicated.

All I think about is how death will make everything go away. I want to be relieved of this pain. I kept the chemicals away but I don't know for how long. I'm generally a cautious person, and I'm really scared of making a mistake. I guess I need a miracle?

@peacelovingguy @roscho and all
I feel that I have to keep things bottled up because even when I speak, I'm not sure my family is actually taking me seriously. Everything I'm doing now is to be my own person. When I decided that I would do what I wanted and escape this family/friends pressure, they didn't get me. Everyone expected me to become either a banker or a lawyer (that's what the overachievers in my family/entourage do). I just wanted to be an architect or a designer. It took me years to figure that out. My parents think it's one of those vocations that you have when you're 14 years old, not in your mid twenties. I could be a banker but since everything else about my life is fucked, I figured that I might as well do something which agrees with my aspirations.
It was clear to me that I would be single and childless all my life (because I have pcos and that is another can of worms - but basically it has closed many options for me). 5 years ago I figured that before taking the suicide route I had to try. I had to find something worthwhile to do with my life.
So I became willing to make concessions and accept my limitations but in return I would have a life that made sense to me, a decent life. I'm not asking for much. I strive to stop myself from being a people pleaser. I don't care about becoming rich (most architects have lousy pay anyway) or being the next big starchitect. I just want to do something useful for society and with my life and design beautiful things.
Things turned sour when I had to convince everyone, had my motives (and sanity) questioned, when trying to get into a schools just failed in a way that I don't even understand (missing paperwork, administrations that wouldn't respond to me, refused visas, producing a portfolio as someone who is initially terrible at drawing - everything is stacked against me). What can I do? After 4 years of trying, maybe the universe is sending me a message and telling me that there is nothing for me to do on this earth.
Eventually my family decided to let me be but I don't feel that they're rooting for me. It's like they're watching me and waiting to be impressed because they totally think I'm irrational. I thought the best revenge would be to prove them wrong, but that's not happening. I've been lying to the point of irrationality because I wanted this so badly, and I wanted to be understood. I kept many friends away from me because everybody's doing big things - stating businesses, getting great jobs, getting married and having babies. And I'm nowhere. 4 years of trying and nothing to show for it. I can't face any of them. So i feel pretty isolated now and under pressure and I can't deal with it. I resent being in this situation.

I'm supposed to be in school but because of a missing official paper that I've tried to have for months, I can't complete my school application, I will not get enough time to apply for a visa. Therefore, it's over. I live with my parents and they've been patient for years, I think their patience will run out eventually.

There is no plan B. What is my purpose? I don't know. I used to think that if all fails there's still suicide. I'm freaking out because everything I tried failed. I tried to be my own person and nobody understood how important that was to me. I failed. What do I do now? Go back to be a miserable drone? I need purpose in my life. I feel guilty about feeling this way, I know it could be worse, I could be one of those people who's life dilemma is having 1 meal a day. But right now my life feels empty and pointless. Despite all this I love my family, and they've been good to me. Maybe I don't see their goodness I know that depression makes the mind foggy. but why do I feel so empty? I'm literally wondering why I'm alive. I don't have much to look forward to.

Anyway I'm just rambling. Thank you all for your patience and compassion. You're the only people who know.


Well-Known Member
Pcos does not mean you will be single and childless!

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome might make it impossible to get pregnant - sure that is the worse case scenario - but treatment is ongoing and some strides have been made.

You could always meet someone! Please don't think that your on the shelf so young!

And adoption - you ever think about that? Lots of kids who have nobody to love them - and I'm sure you got a lot of love inside you - and pain also I know.

So you need some extra exam or something - well - is there a time period there? Why not use your depression to get some leeway - like you would if your legs got chopped off!

See a doctor - don't keep this all in. That would be useful for negotiating this visa and qualification. Sure you could still do it.

As for family - what they want matters little. They won you till you are your own person. They have let you free - to search for your path in life. And your young - I'm 46 so should in theory just die now - because I have no definitive path - I'm walking lots of them - but want just one.

Nobody I knows - knows I want to die sometimes.

So we are the same - we are not people who wear Tshirts saying 'suicide risk - hug me'.

Maybe I should - to see what happens.

Desperation - lol. Hug a thug?

But look - life has many paths and if one is going nowhere you want to be - its not your path. Of course - sometimes we do things we do not like for a day job. I'd cheerfully sweep the streets for a decent living wage - and counsel people in the street - look for fellow travellers in the dark - and chill out with them.

If I was a banker - I'm afraid I'd be too hopping mad at the robbery they do - and would likely vanish with all the money one day. Leaving a thank-you note!

hope you go the docs and get some help for depression.

And see your school/uni or whatever - and see their counsellor and ask for extra help completing this course.

WELL worth pursuing.

Don't give up the fight!
Hi Peacelovingguy, and thanks for writing.

I guess I'm grieving the death of the path I wanted. We can't have everything in life right? I just think it's unfair because I gave up other things. I just wanted 1 thing that could bring me a little joy. Actually I could settle with being content. I need a good thing to happen to me. I guess I could opt for the non-desired paths. But then I'd have nothing to get me going. I had this specific plan about having a existence devoted to altruism (I totally don't have the heart of a banker). Is there a point to living for the sake of it it? I can't explain... this whole thing is a very existential thing for me. I can't explain it. Right now everything makes me wish I had never existed.

There's so much more to this but though this is an anonymous forum it doesn't feel right to just say everything...

As for pcos, it's not just fertility related. The women/couples who are trying to conceive are the most vocal group and I guess it is the one that gets the most sympathy; to the point where it's not uncommon (it has happened to me) to go to a doctor who says "can't help you, come back when you want to get pregnant".
pcos is also being very hairy in places no woman should be, gaining weight and not being able to lose it, balding, acne and diabetes-prone condition, mood swings and a bunch of other things (it's different for everybody)...All the ingredients to make a woman feel unfeminine. and there's no cure. and people (including medical staff) treat you like you're a freak of some kind. My body can't handle metformin so I get by with natural therapies. It's not perfect but then there's no other choice.
I used to be beautiful. There was a time when I was even desirable. I had mild pcos and then one random day, it was pcos plus x100. Believe me, I have tried but there is no way I will be attractive to anybody again lol I'm not 30 yet but my good years are behind me, and I have no illusions about that. So I'm not counting on being on a relationship again (I have major trust issues with men). The funny thing is, it's a relief to me. As it is, it's already challenging to stay groomed to appear decent/normal in front of other people in every day life. I can't keep all that pretending 24/7 with a boyfriend or husband. I know that having kids will be a challenge and it's a battle I chose not to have. I haven't thought about adoption to be honest. :( I don't know how to explain... it's easy for me to shut down some of these hopes, and I've suffered less because of it. I can walk into a place with my super pretty friends and not feel hurt because the eligible men are completely ignoring me. I'm not competing with them and there's freedom with that. I don't expect anything. Or maybe I'm deluded? :(

Writing this makes me see how abnormal I am. *sigh*

Perhaps you're right, I should explore other paths. I admit that right now it's very hard to imagine what other thing I could do and that won't make me wish I were dead.

I did see doctors and counsellors before. 3 in fact. it never worked. I don't think they understood anything I was telling them. I've had enough "how does that make you feel" and other empty questions. I felt worse every time I came out of a session. Talking to them is like looking at your life with a microscope and seeing all the bad things within you. You come out super aware/conscious of the fact that you're worthless and don't bring any value to anybody's life.

I'm sorry, it's just difficult for me to see anything positive. I hate that I'm being judged and pressured so much. I hate myself and I don't know what I'm doing living.
thank you all and to the creators of this board.
I still don't know whether I will do it or not. I'm not feeling so good now and I'll take time off. To think or whatever.
thank you again
I know how you feel in some degree,happens when everyone is in bed and its late and i just think whats the point anymore.

Lost so many people these past couple of years and nearly my little one.

But i am starting to think FU to all the unsympathetic idiots out there and regardless of my panic attacks that come on round most people nowadays im not going to let my family down but ending it.

If you ever need a chat just pm,not sure how much help i can be but i promise to try :)
It comes in cycle. I try so hard to stay strong. I am so tired of fighting. There are things I enjoy about life but deep down I don't want to live. I am so tired of the pain. I can't explain what's going on with me. The sad part is you can't help me. nobody can help me. That's the cold truth. there is no help.

I'm cleaning up my room, I'm grooming myself, scrubbing the embarrassing stuff off my horrible body. I don't know why I'm doing it because once I'm dead it wouldn't matter anyway. later on I want to write a letter to my sister, telling her of what to do with my belongings and stuff. Or maybe I'll stop everything and just go to sleep hoping that I'll either die in my sleep or wake up tomorrow feeling better. But as usual feeling a little bit better doesn't make the pain go away. I am so tired of the pain. And even if it all doesn't work out, I just don't want to live anymore.
Hello, eyae!

I'm for the first time on the forum, but your thread attracted me at once.
I was terrible shocked by the way you expresse yourself!
What are you doing? Are you serious? You are young, could you understand this is the best time of your life?
Have you ever travelled? Do you know how many beautiful things there are around? Try it once and you won't stop!
Have you already learned Spanish? Italian? Japanese?
For now, you have to open the travelling site, find the cheapest tickets to somewhere( let it be Greece), and fly tomorrow!
You'll meet thousand interesting people there, you'll get a tan, you'll see nature and you'll forget about your pain!
Do you really think the world is against of you? No way! It's totally open!
Death is NOT the way out. You will just bring sorrow to your close people(even if you think they don't care), and ironical smile of the others who will say you just couldn't resist some troubles. I have the same example. A friend of mine who thought nobody loved him did it. So what's now? His parents turned grey because of sorrow.
Please, could you answer me? What is your name, darling?


internet radio
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