Thank you all for your kind words, I am touched more than you can imagine. I feel guilty about posting here. I don't really like to "dump" my stuff on other people, I tend to think that my pain should be my burden but these days I don't really know what to do. I'm really touched that you care.
I think I was having a panic attack last night, I couldn't breathe after I posted this and just went to bed. I wish I could say that I feel better today
I woke up disappointed to be alive but I had to go out and run errands. I think I alienated my brother who was happy to join me. He said I looked tense and decided not to accompany me in the end. I feel bad about it
but I couldn't help being moody.
I came back early in the afternoon and I think I started feeling like last night again, so I just ran to my room. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe. Eventually I just slept and woke up now. I'm still hiding in my room. I feel so sad, and I feel so bad. I feel guilty. I'm just falling apart and I don't understand why everything about me has to become complicated.
All I think about is how death will make everything go away. I want to be relieved of this pain. I kept the chemicals away but I don't know for how long. I'm generally a cautious person, and I'm really scared of making a mistake. I guess I need a miracle?
@peacelovingguy @roscho and all
I feel that I have to keep things bottled up because even when I speak, I'm not sure my family is actually taking me seriously. Everything I'm doing now is to be my own person. When I decided that I would do what I wanted and escape this family/friends pressure, they didn't get me. Everyone expected me to become either a banker or a lawyer (that's what the overachievers in my family/entourage do). I just wanted to be an architect or a designer. It took me years to figure that out. My parents think it's one of those vocations that you have when you're 14 years old, not in your mid twenties. I could be a banker but since everything else about my life is fucked, I figured that I might as well do something which agrees with my aspirations.
It was clear to me that I would be single and childless all my life (because I have pcos and that is another can of worms - but basically it has closed many options for me). 5 years ago I figured that before taking the suicide route I had to try. I had to find something worthwhile to do with my life.
So I became willing to make concessions and accept my limitations but in return I would have a life that made sense to me, a decent life. I'm not asking for much. I strive to stop myself from being a people pleaser. I don't care about becoming rich (most architects have lousy pay anyway) or being the next big starchitect. I just want to do something useful for society and with my life and design beautiful things.
Things turned sour when I had to convince everyone, had my motives (and sanity) questioned, when trying to get into a schools just failed in a way that I don't even understand (missing paperwork, administrations that wouldn't respond to me, refused visas, producing a portfolio as someone who is initially terrible at drawing - everything is stacked against me). What can I do? After 4 years of trying, maybe the universe is sending me a message and telling me that there is nothing for me to do on this earth.
Eventually my family decided to let me be but I don't feel that they're rooting for me. It's like they're watching me and waiting to be impressed because they totally think I'm irrational. I thought the best revenge would be to prove them wrong, but that's not happening. I've been lying to the point of irrationality because I wanted this so badly, and I wanted to be understood. I kept many friends away from me because everybody's doing big things - stating businesses, getting great jobs, getting married and having babies. And I'm nowhere. 4 years of trying and nothing to show for it. I can't face any of them. So i feel pretty isolated now and under pressure and I can't deal with it. I resent being in this situation.
I'm supposed to be in school but because of a missing official paper that I've tried to have for months, I can't complete my school application, I will not get enough time to apply for a visa. Therefore, it's over. I live with my parents and they've been patient for years, I think their patience will run out eventually.
There is no plan B. What is my purpose? I don't know. I used to think that if all fails there's still suicide. I'm freaking out because everything I tried failed. I tried to be my own person and nobody understood how important that was to me. I failed. What do I do now? Go back to be a miserable drone? I need purpose in my life. I feel guilty about feeling this way, I know it could be worse, I could be one of those people who's life dilemma is having 1 meal a day. But right now my life feels empty and pointless. Despite all this I love my family, and they've been good to me. Maybe I don't see their goodness I know that depression makes the mind foggy. but why do I feel so empty? I'm literally wondering why I'm alive. I don't have much to look forward to.
Anyway I'm just rambling. Thank you all for your patience and compassion. You're the only people who know.