i cant stop crying

[lav11]

*triggering*
please excuse spelling mistakes im on my phone and an absoloute mess

i just im sorry but i need to go from the start and any support would be greatly appreciated.

Things in my family have been messed up for ever really. My mum has been physically abusive from the get go.my father was never in the picture. Lots of differdnt random guys were though.. I dont really remember the first time i was sexually abused or yeah so i dont really know what ahe it stasted.. Maybe around 10 by a guy who was also physically abusive, he has remained in the picture though. At 12 or so another kid saw this guy physically abure me down the street and we became friends he later started abusing me as well. I later moved away with my mothes and her boyfriend as well as my siblings. Now when i left the abuse was quite bad and he was getting friends to abuse me as well. At one point i wap pent pomewhere tn be taught. They took pictures and filmed me and yeah... I ended up running away with an older guy and he alro abused me.. After abit i reported that guy to the police and after gettgpgng sent to horpital heaps and alot of dramas i decided to move back with my mother. The abuse ptarted again. I aain ran away a month later.g the abuse did rtop for abit but it started again. I let me T no and she has reported it to the child protectionnow i freaked at first and long story short they are going to do an investigation no matter wha. I war given the optin to A/ tell them everythingor B/ say nothing. My T said itd b brilliant if i cnuld tell but she knew how hard it would be.that this could make it stop.
At first i thought never would i say anything but then last night i was thinking i do want to report it but i got a call today paying they arent going to investigate it atm and they no need to talk to me.

Ive tried to write this with very little emotion but am such a mess. I neee to get this all out and i cant believe i decided to talk just to have them not need to talk to me. I feel so dead yet again. I want it to all stop. I want the abuse to ptop but aaarggh why does it all have to be so difficult. I dont know what to do. I want everyone who has abused me to suffer the consequences but yeah...

 

[Jaimeisbroken]

Hi lav11, no one deserves to be abused and especially to be abused over and over. It is very expected for us to harbor feeling of anger and even feelings of wanting revenge. Those feelings are actually very healthy, but I know how disturbing they can be. I have had those feeling very often in my own life recently and they make me feel like a different person at times, a person I don't like. However, I just try to keep telling myself that it is healthy to feel anger.

It is okay to write with a high level of emotion or no emotion. YOU HAVE EARNED THAT RIGHT.

I think it is important that we take the steps hat is needed to heal from abuse. The first step is the most important step because if we don't take that step we will never have the opportunity to heal. The first step is to make sure we are safe and the easiest way to make sure we are safe is to remove ourselves from the abusive situation. I know that is much easier said than done because we worry about hurting people we care about, but when it comes to OUR OWN safety we need to put ourselves first.

I am so sorry for all the abuse you have suffered and I promise you that nothing you did gave anyone of them the right to abuse you. You deserve to be at peace and to live free of abuse. All you can expect of yourself it to take that first step and remove yourself from the abuse. Would you please try and find a way to do that? I reported my assailant and he is now in prison. It was incredibly difficult and scary, but also very freeing.

I am here if you need me, and my inbox is always open.

Jaime