I can't stop feel like a real twit

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by downunder, Apr 5, 2010.

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  1. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    It is coming up to the anniversary of when my daughter died. She died on the 15th and was found on the 22nd. Lately I just can't stop crying, feel really stupid. Will finish this off later.
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you lost your daughter......
    I can understand it must be very hard for you with the anniversary coming up soon...
    I am in the early days of the loss of my child and I can imagine what the "firsts" will be like..
    don't feel stupid for the crying...it's perfectly normal under the circumstances..you have lost the most precious thing in the world to you..your child....
    you can cry, scream , rant and rave...anything you like and on here you won't be judged...
    I hope you can come back later and talk to us some more...
    take care...
     
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Losing a family member is always hard, especially if it is your own child who has died. I said a prayer for you. Is there a bereavement group in your area you can go to? Most hospitals have one or can refer you. I think it would help you more if you have a group you can go to. :hug:
     
  4. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Ok here is some more,
    I saw the psych I have be seeing for counselling and it has been 4 weeks since I last saw her and found it a bit hard to open up, then she said, to me "your work is no longer funding you, they don't mind you still coming to see, but you have to pay, and it starts today".

    I was a little taken aback, as I didn't have much money on me. Then she said "it will costs you $67.00 out of pocket, what do you think about that?" I said, "I would like to finish up today", She said, "you can't mean that, ok then $28.00 it will cost you after medicare rebates". Then I felt like it was some sort of bartering system like in Bali. I thought if I hadn't of said no, she would have kept charging me $67.00, just felt a bit icky.

    I then said "no again, and said I have to finish sometime", I said, "take the next appointment out of the book, and if I change my mind, I will ring". She then said, "No, I will keep the appointment, because I know you are less likely to ring for an appointment, then to cancel". I said, again "no take the appointment out and I will ring if I need to".

    Then she went on about how $28.00 was not much money and that I have spent money on other things, such as motorcycle gear, and that there is 2 of us working. Then she told me that she would be ringing my husband.

    She has always said to me in the past that it is my choice. But look at all the pressure. She then rang my husband on his mobile 30mins after I left twice, he didn't have his mobile on him. She then rang our home phone at 4 hours later, but we didn't answer it and she left a message on the answering machine saying she was still happy to see me, and she wanted to talk to my husband about giving him some phone numbers (most likely the CAT team, (they do nothing anyway) and she mentioned I was discontinuing to see her.

    I feel really pressured and stressed out about this.

    When I left she didn't even say good bye. She was very angry. Is this how counselling is supposed to finish?

    She has written a report about me to work and she won't show it to me, when she rang my husband at work the next day, I asked him to ask her and she has refused. I am concerned about what is in the report as it could affect my future job prospects with where I work.

    At the moment I keep crying all the time. Today the most silliest thing triggered me off. It was a sunny day. Because I remember when I got the death message that it was a sunny day. We also had a guy at work do himself in. I think why can't I do that. I have made attempts in the past.

    Now I find myself crying in the morning before going to work, going to work, and coming home from work. I don't like my husband to see me crying so I try to hide it. In the past I have attempts. Before attempts I usually find myself researching and planning, I feel that way again.
     
  5. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I wouldn't have appreciated it if a counselor had talked to me that way. She may just be concerned, but that seems like an inappropriate way to show it.

    Is it possible for you to see someone else? If the counselling was helping, and you can work something out beforehand financially, it would be a shame to discontinue because of what happened with her.

    I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I wish I could just give you a hug, and at least I can tell you that I care.
     
  6. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I rang up my mum today, she lives 1000km away and she has also been upset, and is going to release some balloons from the beach cliff tops of the day she died. We still think about what happened after her death too, such as the media attention. We used to deliver the local paper, and she was on the front page and we don't know how we even managed to deliver it. We also think back to this guy that wanted to go around to the local pub and sing about how she died, luckily we managed to talk him out of it. I was crying over the phone when I talked to my mum even though I tried not too.
     
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i am so sorry for your loss, i cannot begin to imagine the pain your in. releasing the balloons sounds like a good idea. i think you should keep up the therapy especially if your still being effected by yoru loss. you cant put a price on support when you need it
    but dont ever feel stupid for how you feel. its understandable that you would be devistated by loosing your daughter
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I suggest you Keep the therapy going even if you have to change theapists....
    you need help with the devestating loss in your life and with the suicidal thoughts in your mind...
    is there a support group you can join?....I think it helps to talk to people who have been through the same thing....they know how you are feeeling and can offer support....
    hugs.
     
  9. White_Darkness

    White_Darkness Well-Known Member

    Seriously, what a weird person your therapist must be! I don't know how I would have reacted if my therapist behaved that way but believe me, I would have been outraged.
    I am 100% sure that you have the right to see the report she will be sending in to your job and she seems very unprofessional when calling your husband, telling on you.
    She should have respected your wish at the first place. If you tell her no, then a no means a no and that's the end of that discussion.

    I do agree with the others that you should keep seeing someone but maybe you should look for someone better?
    Oh, and I do understand your financial issues too. Because money is the sole reason to why I'm not receiving any professional help atm.

    At last, but definitely not least, I would like to add that I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I have never lost anyone so close to me so I have no idea how it must feel but if you would like to talk to someone, you can ALWAYS dm me. xx
     
  10. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I was in a support group for those who have lost a child to suicide. But at the group nobody ever mentioned their own suicidal feelings. I just don't feel comfortable mentioning those to them. They all think that I come across so happy was lady even said that I was an inspiration, despite all that I have been through I was still able to smile and get everyone laughing. Feel like a hypocrite. With the psych I was seeing I was able to talk about the feelings a bit, but then sometimes she would go off at me, and tell me to think about other people. I just told her that they could come and join me.

    I think that I cannot be talking to a counsellor for the rest of my life, there comes a time when I have to sort out my own problems. It has been nearly 3 years. She would have just turned 19. I didn't get to tell anyone that she died, because they already knew, my mum saw it on the news.
     
  11. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Three years doesn't seem like a very long time when you are getting over this loss. If you feel as though the counseling, a different one anyway, would still be of some help, then please find someone.

    Maybe a different type of group would help. At a meeting of those who had lost a child to suicide, I imagine that is a pretty tough subject to bring up. Maybe a group that addresses people who have ptsd, or who are having issues with depression and suicidal feelings would be a place where you could be more open?
     
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