Every pain in my soul screams for me to pull the trigger. I just want peace. Peace from the rape, peace from the many physical abuses, peace from the traumas, peace from the hardships, peace from the loss of friendships, peace from the betrayal, peace from the loss of love, peace from emptyness.
There is so much pain in my real world and now there is pain in my SF world. There is no where to turn anymore but towards death. How to I find help? How do I find trust? I would give anything for a friend.
You can have peace, without pulling the trigger. I have survived it all, and I know how much it all hurts, and how much easier it seems to just end it. But if you can get past this, you can have a life that is better.
The first decision you need to make is to choose peace. It is not easy even to choose that for yourself, and it takes a long time to actually get it
but that first step starts restoring the balance of power back to you.
Every single person who has hurt you, mentally or physically, has a hold on you because you cannot let this hurt go. To let it go means you will have to forgive them, and you can't do that with these monsters.
Do you think they are in as much pain as you over what happened? Who is the one who cannot sleep, eat, or function. It is not them.
The only way you can free yourself is to forgive them. You don't need to be nice to them, like them, love them, or even tell them that you forgive them. This part is for you. They lose the power they have held over you for so long. You get that power back.
The thing that struck me in your post was the last line. How do I find trust? I would do anything for a friend.
YOU need to trust in yourself, before you can trust anyone else.
YOU need to be a friend to yourself, before you find new friends.
If you were a friend of yours, what would you say to her? Your words would be kind, loving, and would tell her that she can forgive these people and get on with life and be happy. These are the words we need to say to ourselves, all the time. Not nasty unloving things we say to ourselves so often.
May you find peace, and love for yourself, soon.
Take care-
