• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

I can't stop thinking about giving up, for what i did

#1
Ive always had a problem with depression and anxiety, hell who doesn't these days. Suicide has always been in the back of my mind as some alt+F4 option... But what happened a few weeks ago has pushed that option to the forefront and its now the primary focus of my day. I killed my hamster by being an irresponsible owner. She was my best friend, more important to me than most people I know and we had a bond you can share with an animal that only people who love animals will understand. One night I had her in her travel bag around my neck and I fell asleep on accident, and when I woke up she was dead... I killed her and its eating me alive. How could I be so stupid? Its beyond horrible, I was supposed to take care of her and she trusted me to, and I smothered her to death. Fucking hell, all I can think about now is paying for it with my own life. I know there are plenty of individuals who might read this that wont understand, but I know there are plenty that will, and im begging any of them to help me come to terms with this. I know i gave her a good life, but the end that I also gave her is one I see as unforgivable and in my own personal "bible" that represents my soul, its a sin i don't think I can ever atone for. She meant so much to me, and I let her down in the most awful of ways. Now im caught in a whirlpool of misery that is in all ways justified and I see no way of avoiding drowning in it. Is anyone out there capable of bestowing some combination of words that may help? I am at a loss and each day gets worse than the one before.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
welcome to SF we are a peer community that cares but never judges. i'm sorry for the loss of your hamster. i know some people would understand a cat or dog but not think anything of a hamster or other small animal. but i think anyone can bond with small animals especially if they hold them.

you made a mistake that caused you to lose your hamster. the key word is mistake. you loved and nurtured your friend and i'm sure your hamster loved you. if a person kills an animal on purpose that is cruel and people should be punished for it. what happened was just an accident so you are not responsible.

since you are a good hamster owner i suggest you get another one. it won't replace your hamster but it will give you a fresh start and will give a hamster a good home that i know you'll provide. please try not to think of suicide.

mike...*hug*shake
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#3
Hey there,

This is an awful thing for you to go through - not only grieving, but feeling guilt for it. As dodge says, the key thing here is that it was a mistake - you didn't mean to give her anything but your whole heart, and all the love that comes with it. Unfortunately, accidents happen - and as much as you might replay this in your head with all the things you should've done, you couldn't have possibly known the consequences, it was unavoidable. It was an accident. Often, we look for something to blame when things go wrong, but there was no intention here of any harm, just an unfortunate accident. You don't deserve to put yourself through so much pain for something you couldn't have helped - especially when I'm sure you gave her the best life she could have possibly had. She loved you so much, and you loved her - that is the important thing here. Try to be kind to yourself right now and let yourself grieve.

Sending lots of hugs,

Em
 

MosesY

Recovering Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#4
I believe that every animal and every person has a death date when they are born. I wonder what you called your hamster? Surely she/he had a name. I understand you can't get another hamster right now, the memory is too fresh. In the future you could get another hamster and provide love and care for it; that would be something to live for. So many people don't like animals in the house, they smell, they chew things up, they need to be fed and cleaned and cared for, it all takes time. You are a special person to have a heart for a hamster; if you ended your life the world would not have that heart any more. In the future you can get another animal to care for, perhaps a hedgehog or a rat, and you could provide life for them and give them love. That is something only a very small percent of the population can do. If you ended your life that would be gone.
 

Lady Wolfshead

"Peace comes from within" - The Buddha
#5
I am SO, SO very sorry to hear about this and for your loss of your hamster under such terrible circumstances. Sounds like she was an amazing hamster and you loved her. It is JUST an accident that happened and she would not want you to suffer over it. I know animals can't talk but I am certain she loved you back and she wouldn't ever want you to feel such pain. A friend of mine didn't realize one of her anti-depressant pills was left on the table and her cat ate it and died. She too agonized over its death. But you didn't do it intentionally therefore you MUST not punish yourself. That is an order! Think about how you would talk to a good friend if something like that happened to them. You would feel so bad for them. You must try to feel that way about yourself. And remember always that your hamster loved you (all animals especially mammals and birds can feel affection regardless of size) and therefore making yourself suffer is dishonoring her memory in a way. When you are ready I think getting another pet might be a good idea, not to replace her but just as another companion. Eventually your memories of her will be happy rather than painful. Big hugs to you *console
Lauryn
 

JDot

1 Peter 5:7
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
Hey @Vicepain I'm sorry to hear of the passing of your friend and loved one. But the most important detail in it's passing is that it was due to a mistake. All people and animals make mistakes. I can tell you really loved this hamster, and it could feel that love. Hopefully you can give future hamsters a home with the same amount of love.
 
#7
I'm sorry that you lost your pet.

You loved her and you didn't mean to hurt her.

Do you think it's possible that she died for reasons other than your causing it? If the travel bag is designed to transport pets, keeping her in that might not have caused her death.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#8
I am a big time small pet lover / owner, a vegetarian and sometimes political animal person.

I think what happened was an accident and you meant no harm, and you are a good person.

I can't even imagine the guilt you are feeling. I'm so sorry. I can tell you loved your hamster and I know how this must eat away at you, but everyone is right. It was a mistake.

I had a couple of rats in an apartment that was too small for them with my cats. They wound up in a room I hardly went into. I ended up not giving them the love I should have. It killed me. Eventually, I got the two little ones I have now and I just shower them with love and attention and affection. I don't know that that's the right thing for you to do, but sometimes you can help ease your tortured soul by giving back to something who needs you. Just a thought.

Be kind to yourself. And again, I'm so very sorry.
 
#9
Hi, I agree with all of the love and encouragement shared here. To be candid, I do not really understand the human-animal relationship: but I believe whole-heartedly that a bond exists at all levels, including the spiritual. If I could imagine speaking for your beloved hamster, he/she would say something like this: "to my beloved owner and provider, we both are victims of a tragic accident, I forgive you... please do not succumb to the power of guilt because guilt will destroy the peace I feel."
 
Last edited:

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$180.00
Goal
$255.00
Top