I have had suicidal thoughts for just about as long as I can remember and have never told anyone how bad it really gets. I'm in my mid 30s and over time those thoughts have only gotten worse and more frequent. It has gotten to the point now that my "good" days are very few and far between. My whole life, I seem to have had a big target on my back for every horrible person around me. I want to believe in people again, and I try so hard to trust, but I can't stop looking for the bad in everyone anymore. I'm so tired of feeling completely alone. I'm tired of hiding in the bathroom to cry. I'm tired of wondering if I'll make it another 6 months without<mod edit - methods>. I'm tired of hoping that my heart will just stop in my sleep. I've tried the hotlines, but they don't really care and you can hear it in their voice. No one cares until you're dead. I wish I could stop this and just be normal. I see families smiling and laughing. I see people loving each other. I wish I could be happy and feel loved, like them. I try SO hard, but I always fall back into this dark place. I'm just so exhausted and don't know how to fix myself. I am completely broken and alone.