I can't take anymore....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by FoundAndLost1, Aug 18, 2007.

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  1. I can’t take anymore. I’ve been trying SO hard for so long. Life is hopeless, pointless, endless sorrow, even with all the help I’ve received. It’s all useless. Everything is meaningless. I’m overwhelmed by the magnitude of my suffering. To each their own. SO it is. I wish I knew how to die. DON’T ask what led me here and DON’T tell me you LOVE me. YOU DON’T know ME!!!! HELL, I DON’T KNOW ME. I’ve disappeared. I’ve watched me fade. I’m gone… it’s only the shell of me that still looks alive. It’s all an illusion.

    FAL1
     
  2. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I don't know you, I will probably never know you, I don't love you, how can I, we have never met, never will meet, but, there is always a but, isn't there ?

    I have been to that place you are know, not knowing, looking in the mirror and not really recognising that face that is starring back at you, through those cold and dark, empty eyes, like a ghost of something that once was, present in the world but not completely here, a shadow, a trick of the light, that strange glimmer that catches you out of the corner of your eye, but when you turn and look, there is nothing there ?

    It's not to late, it's never too late, you can get that guy back, that you used to be or even want to be, he's still there, hiding away deep down inside you, scared and frightened by the trouble and confusion in your life, but you have to find him, to search him out, take away that trouble and confusion, that stops him from walking out in the harsh sun light.

    It is possible, it must be, or I wouldn't be here, typing this, its not easy, but it is possible, to slowly walk out from the shadows, back into the light.
     
  3. In my opinion, having lived these 45 years, the light is a superb illusion we devise for ourselves for the sake of our own comfort. But thank for your one and only reply. I mean that...

    FAL1
     
  4. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    If we can all convince ourselves that the illusion is real, then we'll all be okay.
     
  5. SavedByGrace

    SavedByGrace Member

    I get the feeling that you don't really want to talk; that you've already made up your mind. Is that the case? I'm just wondering.

    Please feel free to pm me if you DO want to talk. I'm here for you.

    Lots of love.
     
  6. How can we be OKAY if we convince ourselves that an illusion is REAL?!?!?!

    FAL1
     
  7. My mind's been a long (bitter) time in the making. Thanks for the offer....


    FAL1
     
  8. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Well I'm 40 so not that far behind you, the light, the darkness, none of that is real, in the outside world, but that's the trouble, it's very real in our minds

    After the longest time, I am slowly working my way back into th real world, its a scarey thing to do, but less scarey than staying were I was.

    The world is just one planet, in the universe of your mind
     
  9. I feel trapped in life. We're all trapped. Sorry to tell you the sad truth but your struggle was in no means a way back to any REAL world. What's real is that our invented meaning is ALL fake - a vast figment of our imaginations - nothing more. But I thank you from the bottom of my very sad and utterly defeated heart for sharing your thoughts with me...

    FAL1
     
  10. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I my case, I was indeed trapped, in a place of my own making, in a view and way of interacting with everything else around me, that was forged by my own hands, to keep me safe, to keep all things at distance, after all, if nothing can touch you, how can it hurt you, the walls I built, got thicker and higher as the years rolled by, the perimeter fence moved further and further out, in the blink of an eye, as I appeared to be that someone else, not me, to other in my life, I had constructed the perfect thing, to keep the cruelness of modern life at bay, it was the right thing to do, or at least so I thought, but what had I really built, this perfect thing, this mightly barrier, where I could happily reside, with out fear, or risk, or loathing, or love, or light, this cold, empty dark place, with now windows, or doors, or visiting hours.

    I had built the perfect cell, a prison, with no guards, no birds, no trees, no morning sun, no evening sky, no me, no you, no anything, that perfect place ?

    So how come I am here now, I had my darkest hour, stood back a realised what it was that I had done, no one else, for all my good intensions, noble savage, honorable gentlemen, protecting others, doing the right thing, such lofty notions, to get me by, that wasn't true, I was scared, I was ashamed, I was a coward, I was just hiding from the world, hiding from myself, hiding from my past, hiding from my future.

    I'm not saying this works for everyone, but it did for me, stop all the double talk, that b******s that goes round in your head, the bull shit you tell yourself to make you feel better about all the crappy things that happened in your life, get f*****g real, sit yourself down and and work out how the f*** you got yourself into this mess and why, in my case and I suspect many others, you'll already know why, you have just got years and years of other stuff piled on top of it, so you don't have to deal with, thats the way it was for me, you might be able to bull shit the rest of the world, but when you start believing the bullshit yourself, thats when your are truely lost, like I was, in a fantacy world, of; light and dark, them and me, good and bad, right and wrong, life isn't like that, everyone else isn't like that, every one struggles, do the best you can and move on, but don't wallow in your own bull shit, its pointless, been there done that.

    Things can get better, they did for me, but It didn't just happen, I have to keep putting effort into it every day, do things I don't like doing sometimes, stop listening to that bullshit that keeps going round in my head !
     
  11. I've been working like Hercules to DEALwith and overcome the problems that have and continue to surround me. I just don't see a way out anymore. I know some find it, as you have. But some don't. It's as simple as that... and it's not for lack of trying. Thank you for sharing anywaze - it means a lot to me. I'm (sort of - as much as I can muster) glad your journey worked out - but it's not everyone's fate. Look at the rest of the rest of the world.... THAT'S REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    FAL1
     
  12. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    You have to keep on fighting. I have been fighting hard all my life just to cope with this hell, but I can only tell you not to give up cause its not worth it. The fight is the reason I am still alive.
     
  13. WHY?! Why is it an obligation to FIGHT?! WHY, when defeated at every cruel turn. WHAT is SO freaking PRECIOUS? Why not accept the human condition...
    We invent our truth - it's not that sacred.

    FAL1
     
  14. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    There is no obligation to fight, there is no simple fix, there is no magic pill, the world keeps turning, the days will roll on by, some things don't change, and never will.

    Just don't be blinded by your own line of bullshit, like I was, you are in control of your own life, no one else, you decide what changes and what doesn't, you are in control, whether you like it or not, whether you are any good at it or not, whether you can cope or not, if you are looking at the world and thinking poor me, why have they done this to me, why do they make me live like this, then wake up, stop fooling yourself, I have been a grade A arse, most my life because I was to scared to face up to my own responsibility for my own life and the path I chose to follow, no one made me, even though I like to fool myself they did.

    There are billions of people in the world, most of which, aren't suicidal, or depressed, I took me a long time to realise I wasn't that special, those billions where just the same as me, only they didn't set themselves an impossible set of goals, an impossible set of standards, that they could never reach, I did that, not them
     
  15. I beg to differ...

    Bullshit is what my life is about. I am NOT in control. We are NOT in control! Bullshit is what this WORLD is about! You swallowed a load - that's what THEY want you to believe. You think you're HEALED?! I needed help - NOT platitudes. I want to die and you have no right to tell me not to want it. I've tried my damndest already and you don't know what I've lost. My soul is all I had left...

    FAL1
     
  16. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Christ loves us all.

    He died for us and we were not even born yet.

    :hug:
     
  17. Oh pel-EEZE!!!!!!


    FAL1
     
  18. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Ok Doky

    You want someone to tell you it's ok, to turn off the lights and walk away and still feel like its the right thing to do, feel good about yourself, you did what was best for every one, by making it all go away, a noble selfless act, a better person than they are for having the strength to take that step.

    Is that what you want to hear, that's what I thought, only I'm a lot more stuborn than that, at the time, a lot more lost than that too, so I didn't wait for permission, I was stonger than that, better than that, my plan was well thought out, to those outside my family and a few close friends, a simple accident, how smug would I be, having set up the cover story, no chance of mistakes, no second chances, I had thought of everything, apart from one small detail, without all the bullshit, with a very clear and empty head, why was I about to do this, me personaly, screw every one else and all there nosense, all that other stuff that gets in the way.

    What a complete load of old bollocks, how could I be smug, I would be deader than a dead thing, that had been dead for several days, it wasn't going to be this grand honourable, noble death, it wasn't going to show them, that I was right and they were wrong, it wasn't going to make my life better, all it was going to achieve, was to take my misery and spread it around the people that I cared about, even if they didn't care about me that much, did I really want to do that, was that some how going to be better, I'ld be gone, dead, no more and for what, for something that was at least partly my own faulty.

    No one, is ever going to tell you it's ok to give up and let go, I know its not what you want to hear, I know you just want the pian to go away, I know what it feals like to be dead on the inside, a walking ghost, an empty shell, an empty glass, drained, so tired of the hurting, so exhausted from working hard and gettin no where, but it doesn't always have to be that way, things can change, things will change, you can feel better, it's not easy, there will be shit days, but there will be good days too.

    If you are anything like me, which you might not be, I don't know, but I was looking for answers really, answers to the questions that over the years caused me more and more pain, a thousands why's, but deepdown I already knew the answers, I was just too depressed, scared, pigheaded, arragant and just plain stupid to see them, for me that was a turning point, letting go of the selfpity and all the other bulshit you pick up on the way.

    Things can get better, you don't always have to feel the way you do now

    (I don't think I'm healed, some cuts take a long, long time to heal up, it just hurts a little less each day, hopefull one day, it will just be a scare that deosnt hurt at all, hopefully one day in the shower, I can go, oh yeah, I remember how I did that, it was a nastey cut years ago, it left a nasty scare, I had forgotten that was even there)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2007
  19. You're a veritable universe away from the the optimsim I might feel right now
    If I'm in not in severe psychic pain, I am completely numb. There's been too much struggle....You can't draw blood from a stone. Some are more sensitive to it than others. Time here is pure cruelty. I am calm today - void - empty -
    absent from my life -

    FAL1
     
  20. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I hate to keep saying it, but .........

    Had a spell of that, ok more than a spell, switched off to everything, feeling nothing, close and lock all the windows and doors, shut everything out, even your self, become comfortably numb.

    For me that worked for a long long time, I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I wasn't anything, I just was, if that's what it takes to keep you going then so be it, it worked for me, for a goodly while, its hard to be emotional, if you have no emotions.

    It was just another way of avoiding the issues, but it worked for a while, much like a dripping tap, you can keep turning it off tighter and tighter, but in the end it will just keep on dripping, untill you fix it.

    For a long I was angry, I was more than angry, I was fuming, at the world, at every one I knew, at my family, at the world, for being such a piss poor, nastey place, for making me suffer and keep on suffering, helpless, not able to do anything about it, that wasn just the way it was, that was the cruel hand that fate had dealt me, I had been cheated, fucked over, by every one and everything, it just wasn't fair, I was a good person, why was this happening to me, despite me doing my best to do what I thought everyone else would want me to do, it still hurt like hell, that just wasn't right, I was doing my best in a shit situation, but still getting fuck over, at every turn.

    Sound familar ?

    Who was I really angry with, who was it that was making my blood boil, who was it that was keeping me in that most painfull day of my life, that I had to live over and over again ? was it fate, was it gods will, was it just my destiny ?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2007
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