I can't take anymore!!!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by zero-man, Apr 9, 2008.

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  1. zero-man

    zero-man New Member

    Every day is a complete nightmare. I can't think straight and I want to die but am afraid to die. I am 36, married, with a daughter and I will soon be having gastric bypass surgery as I am dangerously overweight and have diabetes that is getting worse. I have had depression for over twenty three years and have even been in the hospital before due to this. My wife does not really care and my friends are fed up with my "episodes". I have been on anti-depressants for years and why am I even continuing.... there is no hope.
  2. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    For what it's worth, you're not the only one. I'm a few years older than you, with a few more kids, and a little less weight (though still too much). I've been depressed for a few more years than you, but after a while, you kinda stop counting. And I've had my time in the looney bin as well. My wife is long-suffering, and my kids are starting to figure it out too.

    So what is to be done?

    There's no magic formula I can offer you. After a while, depression becomes less of a disease and more of a way of life. I actually go out of my way to make things worse for myself. We just keep slogging on with no expectation of hope, much less salvation. I dunno if that's a sign of faith beyond the reaches of hope, or love (such as it is) for our kids, or simply inertia.

    Welcome to SF. Sorry you're here.
  3. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    hmm 23 years is a long time, I have been sad for a long time and yern for the old days when I was happy and could function...and before my life was crap. I have tried fixing things up all the time. I hope one day I can get over it but I doubt it. so you where 13 when you started getting really depressed?
  4. zero-man

    zero-man New Member

    IT's just so damn hard to keep going. I feel so freaking alone despite being married and having friends but they really don't give a shit, they are tired of my nonsense. My own mother show little to no interest in the things I do. I wrote and self-published a book and created a music CD (niether of which sold anything, of course) and my mom never listended to the CD and only read about 1/4 of the book. Think about it, if your child did those things, even if they were shit, wouldn't you go out of your way to read the book and listen to the CD just because your kid did it?
  5. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    Sure. But it's time to stop thinking of yourself as anyone's kid. Despite getting stuck in middle school hell (as I have, too), you're too old to be primarily anyone's kid.

    So I suppose the choice is grow, or die. And I suppose you already knew that.
  6. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Hi, I am sorry about your health and mental conditions. I really hope the surgery goes well and your health improves.
    I have been fighting my depression for 10 years now and needless to say, it was pure hell. Mine was chronic, severe depression that interrupted my life tremendously. At one point in my life, I was paralyzed, yes "PARALYZED" for 3 months by depression. I couldn't work, go out, do things, and was completely lethargic and unmotivated.
    I somehow came out of the hell and learned a life-changing lesson that made me grow up a notch. It sounds like a cliche but I realized I am the only one who can change my life no matter how unfair, bitter I feel about life. I also promised myself I would never stop fighting, trying, working, and moving no matter how painful, unbearable, depressing obstacles are. I will never ever be paralyzed by depression again.
    Some people say I take life too seriously. But my life just don't have that luxury of normal, ordinary obstacles. If I didn't rely on my determination, I know I wouldn't be alive now. I think of my severe depression, PTSD, and any other devastating obstacles as battles that I must win in a war called life. It is either I fight to the death or I hide in the corner, cry and complain all day, and die out of miseries, frustrations.
    I choose the first. I wanna die in this war constantly fighting, trying, giving everything I have got against whatever obstacles come my way. So when that day of final freedom comes, I can be proud of myself and die without any regrets.
    I hope you find the tenacity, determination and resilience to get through the crises in your life.
    I wish you the best.

  7. zero-man

    zero-man New Member

    Thank you Hank, I know what you mean. I spent nearly 2 years in a deep depression, living at home and never getting a job. After those 2 years I was so sick of that crap that I forced myself to go back to college and eventually got a part-time job at Sears and even got a girlfriend (my wife). It was hard, just like writing my book and all but I did it, but I still feel like shit and at time feel so overwhelmed that I just feel like ending it. I have got couseling, been on meds, etc, to no avail. Sometimes I feel like I am bearly hanging on by a very fine thread.
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