I'm just so frustrated with every facet of my life, and the lonliness just kills me. It's Canada Day up here, and i have nothing to do and no one to be with. Dont get me wrong I have friends, but I just feel like I hide the true me to the world all the time. I'm just so upset/frustrated/angry about everything to the point where i've lost so much energy, having panic attacks , and crying when i'm alone. Things i'm upset about, by the way i'm 20 years old. -I've lost most of my hair -I stutter ^although i conceal the 2 my censoring myself when i talk, and i use hair concealers to cover up the bald spots. sad, but beats embarassment -Failed to meet academic warning conditions at my college so i have to withdraw for a year -Suspended from student loans for a year -I'm living on my own and am late on rent with literally 130 dollars in my bank account - new job is only giving me 14 hours a week right now, at this pace i'll never save up enough to pay for this months rent and save up enough for a new lease -mother is a widow, unemployed but is the sweetest women on the planet. only reason i won't commit suicide cuz it would crush her -was a straight A student in high school but somewhat of an introvert-quiet guy in a crowd. moved away to grow out of that shell, but focused too much on social aspects of my life that it screwed up my grades and my dreams to become a doctor. -nobody knows how broke i am, and nobody knows how poorly i'm doing in school and that i have to withdraw. i can't tell my mom and move back home for the next year because they think i'm doing fine and it would crush them if i broke the news that i have no funding this next year, and am not going to be in school for a year. -Girl problems: can't meet anybody because of every reason stated above, i'm too afraid to make a leap because i have so much weight on my shoulders as it is. Worst part about it is that my entire family lives in the US are are living comfortable. all my cousins have cars, wealthy parents to fall back on, and are on pace to getting into solid careers whereas im just at rock bottom and have to hustle just to make ends meet. I'm constantly thinking, sleep at 5 am every night, emotional energy is so low, i'm so lonely, and i can't talk to anybody about any of these things! Death seems like a great option and an escape, but once again i would never do it because of the pain it would cost my mother..and my sister. I don't know why i registered on this forum. i guess i just wanted to vent. if you took the time to read this thank you. i know it's pathetic, but it's my life.