I can't take it anymore... :'(

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Grant, Feb 2, 2010.

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  1. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    Hi, my name is Grant and I am 15. almost 16.

    Ive been abused. ive been beaten, molested, screamed at. I believe I've been raped, but i cant prove it cuz i was drugged. Everyone in my family has some kind of addiction. My mom doesnt really, not for years, because her father was such a drunk. She still screams almost everynight. Im bisexual, and everyone in my family hates me for it. Words like '******' are tossed around a lot....and it DOES offend me(even though people get mad at me for acting offended cuz im not homosexual). I dont cut, the feeling of a blade moving in my skin makes me flinch and then i mess up and cut too deep. I used to burn myself, with lighters and stuff. It stopped being enough to keep me alive.

    I hav no friends really. People at my school will be nice for weed and shit but thats it. Others talk to me so i'll do work for them, or buy them things. I'm a doormat, all i do is give to people. And i'm too weak and pathetic and stupid to stop.

    I take lots of painkillers. I drink. I smoke weed on a regular basis. Its really the only way i get through a day....i dont really cry. I hold things in a lot, and i let things happen to me. Right now im on percs....my family doesnt know..i dunno how theyd act....

    I've been in love with this one girl for a couple years. I spend most of my time basically focused on her. When shes having withdrawls or shes cutting or if someone hurts her, im always the one whos there for her. Every night we talk for hours....shes actually my only real friend anymore. Shes all i have left.

    We arent even going out...in fact i've been single my entire life...i havnt even kissed a boy/girl....she likes other people more. Usually guys with cars or muscles or..basically everything people tell me i dont have. But i try to keep my heart in one piece by just taking whatever I can. Its how i have to live my life. I cant get hardly anything done in school and even my counselor wont help me. I'm the only person I know who stands alone at the smokers cornerr lol but thats just cuz i have no friends...

    Im so ashamed of my sexual identity. I hate being bisexual, and a virgin. Almost everyone is so disgusted by me, and always laughs when they hear that no girl has or will ever even like me. They call me gay-bashing names and stuff, and make all these lame 'catcher and pitcher' jokes. They hurt me physically sometimes, but they think i'll tell(which i dont). My teachers and counselors dont do anything, they tell me to suck it up. So does Jessica now... :'( yes i am crying..

    I wish i would just die. I don't see any point in living, i have been told by many that if i died i would not be missed. And i dont see suicide as letting them win....its letting me win, cuz no one can hurt me ever again.....

    I didnt post this in the suicide section because im hoping someone can save me. I dont want to feel this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! D'':
  2. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry.
  3. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    Since you don't want help, all I can say is I've in a similar situation...and I'm about your age as well.
    So I'm sure you aren't alone in your feelings.
  4. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    Look, not to be rude, but "I'm Sorry" made me feel worse. Thats all you have to say? Why post?

    Unless no one can help me....

    im not mad at you either way.....that just hurt
  5. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    umm i do want help.

    Never said i didnt.

    You didnt even read what i wrote! you looked at my age and said 'well im that age so it cant be worse than what ive gone through'

    I dont wanna be compared to other people, or judged, i want HELP! :''(
  6. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry
    Things are going through my mind and my reading is getting bad.

    I rather have you not be rude, considering you don't know whats going on on my half right now.
  7. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I read what you wrote okay?
    Just calm down.
    I'll help if you stop being rude.
  8. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    im not being rude! you came to this thread and didnt give advice and said i didnt want help! :(

    you know what, i should repost this in the suicide forum. or just commit suicide already....but im pretty sick of failing at that too....
  9. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I'm pretty sure it's illegal for a counselor to tell you to suck up suicidal thoughts.
  10. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I just said its because I didn't read it right!
    Sorry I'm human and I make mistakes.
  11. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    @ Fawkes: hes not a legal counselor, hes just some high school counselor. Not a licensed therapist. I did sign up for a therapist though, who im meeting tomorrow.

    @skylit: I never said you didnt read it wrong. But you told me that i was rude, after what you said posted, so i said i wasnt rude and that i wanted help! And now ur getting mad at me! We gonna drive people away from this thread by fighting with me, and I have NO ONE to go to, so please, help me, or stop posting!!!!!!!! =(
  12. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    It doesn't matter if he is a legal counselor. It is illegal for them to not report you being suicidal because it is illegal for you to be in school while you are.

    I've had experience with that.
  13. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    Well they sent me home once and i was back the next day. And its not 'illegal' to have suicidal people at school. But its illegal and reckless not to act if u know a child is suicidal and you dont call their parents.

    But im not his problem.

    And also, why doesnt anyone seem to understand that I want HELP? NOT to be reminded just how wrongly im being treated.

    PLEASE. HELP. ME!!!!!!!!!!!
  14. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Ok so I think I read most of the original post but I'm trying to smash together something to say before someone walks in :laugh:.

    You said that 'they' have sent you to some school counselor. Have you ever thought of going to see a psych or how ever you spell it. I'm in the closet and pretty much no one knows of my depression or suicidal intentions, so I wouldn't say I have an awful lot of experience :(.

    Maybe you could see if you could get on meds or something...I dunno. Crisis line maybe? :(
  15. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    What is it exactly that you want us to say then?

    We can offer support and advice.

    But it's up to you to take the extra step and make it physically happen.
  16. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    @longroad: I suppose i shouldve added a little more detail lol. ya, ive been to a couple ER evaluations(got tricked into them, dont do drugs. Read a book.) They decided that an institute or psych ward wasnt thd ree best option, an redirected me to some VERY unhelpful, and especially uncomunnicative pshycologists. lol they were old, they didnt seem to understand much about people under 30.

    The worst part was that the ER visits show up on my puublic medical record for every docs visit. Its not supposed to, in fact its illegal, but everytime i go for a checkup, the docs ask about a one or two depressive episode visits.
  17. Vangelis

    Vangelis Well-Known Member

    Depends on what school it is, and how much their getting paid. My high school counselor at the time did tell me to suck it up, or have me sign this suicide watch paper so if I did die, she wouldn't be held liable, then she can say whatever she feels like that's on her mind. You can't do anything really, I mean they're there only to help you in classes and small time things, the rest should be taken care of by parents or a licensed therapist.
  18. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    soooo.....anyone got any advice please? :(

    Please, i never said i didnt want help. I dont get it, why are they getting mad at me? Its a support site! Dont post if you dont want to help
  19. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    people have posted advice, if you want help, then you need to go and see a doc to get reffered to a psyc, they are the main people who can help, as it doesnt seem u have any home support, so you need the support of professionals right now, is there a teacher you could talk to, anyone you trust, how about a different family member an aunt, uncle, grandparent?? you need to get someone on ur side, it ur first psyc u dont get along with, tell him/her and get a new one, dont stop till u get one u get along with, keep posting, we care here.
  20. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    Actually 2 people have posted advice. One said sorry, another said what happened was illegal, and the other ignored my storybamd just started a cnvo with fawkes. And one person has no idea,so ur pretty much the only one who's given advice.......I'm starting to get the idea that even people on sf don't care about helping.....
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