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I can't take it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Idontknowanymore, Jun 9, 2015.

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  1. Idontknowanymore

    Idontknowanymore New Member

    *WARNING: This is going to be long. If you don't feel like reading this and instead decide to just skim through it, then don't bother reading this post anymore. I really need you to pay attention to the minute details I type out here.

    As of this moment, I'm 19. Ever since I was 18, I was looking for a job so I can save up money to help pay my parents for the rent, food, water, electricity, etc. I have so much bad luck that, I'm still looking for one. I had a job back in June of last year, 2014, but I only worked for 2 months and suddenly my boss wanted me out. He said some BS reason which I don't exactly remember to this day, but I knew that I did nothing wrong. There were some points where he asked me if I did something incorrectly, but it was because of the website showing the incorrect thing. It was a bit wonky, but that's also not my fault.

    I can't help but feel like shit because I have an insane talent, the ability to mentally multiply three digit numbers in my head and get the answer within 30 seconds without needing a calculator, yet I'm not able to find a math tutoring job, or anything math related. I'm horrible with dealing with people, so I can't get jobs involving customer service. I actually tried applying for one, and within the first 5 minutes of me working on my own, I got so sweaty and nervous that I just had to quit and run out. I HATE dealing with people. I need find an online job too, because I don't have my own car yet and my parents only use one car almost everyday. I applied for an in-campus job for my school but I have to wait about 2 months before they can start doing interviews.

    My sister, who is 29, still lives with us. In a tiny one-bedroom apartment. But trust me, living with her is like getting stabbed in the face everyday. She stole the bedroom from me- from ALL of us- and complains a lot about 50 different things. Yes, you read that correctly, she has that WHOLE room to herself, and complains about things like: privacy (WHAT?!), food, money, loneliness, boredom, and my appearance. And that's not all - there's a bunch of other minor things she complains about. She is stealing our space, privacy, sanity, money, and health. She is a vampire, sucking the life out of us. She's driven us all crazy and demands things like her own TV with cable, an actual bed (we're sleeping on air beds because it was cheaper - however for me, I sleep on the floor), and that whole room to herself. The thing is, the bathroom can only be accessed by entering that room, so she wants us to not use the bathroom because she doesn't want anyone entering "her" room and always wants to keep the door shut.

    We have all tried talking to her to get her damned bachelor's degree which took 10+ years for some reason. She claims its depression, but she just says that to make us feel bad about ourselves, because she says the depression is caused by having the "worst parents ever for not providing enough". Everytime I tried talking to her, she tells me things like "shut up fatty", "I wasn't talking to you", "you don't know anything", "**** off". She is the WORST person in the world.

    Trust me when I say this: NONE OF US CAN DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE HER. WE NEED THE POLICE TO TALK TO HER. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING OR SAY ANYTHING. I need help from you, if you have the capabilities to actually provide assistance. Nothing I say or do will help.

    Now regarding the money issues, my dad prematurely stopped working several years ago because "he wanted to relax", little did he know that we'd gradually go into a crappier financial state over the years as they passed by. So my mom is the only one who is working. Technically my sister also works, but everything she earns automatically goes to her car payments, which are insanely expensive. If only she would swallow her pride and attend the university I'm attending (which is literally 1 block away), then she'll be able to sell her car and find an in-campus job there. Oh, but her financial aid money has been fully depleted from all those years that she went to college. And for what? Nothing.

    My parents and sister constantly yell at me to find a job, but there's also times where my parents tell me to focus on my education and not worry about the rent or anything to do with money. Well what the **** am I supposed to ******* do?! I'm being pressured into getting a job and it's so incredibly damn hard! I actually need help finding a job! It's so damn hard! Can YOU assist me? Whoever's reading this? Please? We're so poor that we don't have ANY connections, and that's how people easily get jobs I'm assuming. If not, then I'm just insanely stupid for not being able to find a permanent job. It's so damn hard, it's so damn hard.

    Back in middle school, I was thinking about suicide, then the feeling drowned out as I went to high school and the first 2 semesters of college, and now in my third semester, the feeling is rising and is as lively as ever. If I had an easy and quick way out, like shooting myself with a gun, I would do it without thinking twice. Because it seems that everything just goes wrong with me.

    Look, I'm trying my damn hardest to not be that one lazy family member that's being a burden to the whole family (like my sister). I'm trying my damn hardest to EVADE THAT PATH, and it just seems that I'm getting magnetized towards it. It's like karma WANTS me to fail. Am I destined to grow up only to find out that I'll be homeless and die in the streets from hunger? What the hell is going on? Can someone please help me find a job quick, and an online one? I know that seems INCREDIBLY stupid to ask, but you've gotta understand my situation here. I want to KILL myself instead of having to go through all this ridiculousness.

    Permanent solution to a temporary problem? I highly doubt it, since all of this has been going on for years. Actually my sister has stolen my room from me for MANY years. I never have any privacy to do anything. I just want to huddle up and bawl my eyes out, but my parents will yell at me for that. The most I've ever done is take a long wooden ruler and start swinging it around the room. Nobody else was in the room at the time and I made sure to not hit anything. But I just felt the need to scream, and I couldn't do that.
  2. Idontknowanymore

    Idontknowanymore New Member

    I don't know why this got completely ignored. Do any of you think that I'm faking it/trolling just to get attention? I can assure you that everything I have said here is REAL. If you want, I can try to capture video footage to prove it. I shouldn't have to, though.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is not easy for anyone to get a job today so it is not you ok there are many people who struggle with finances. Your education has to be top on your list it will be you way out of poverty I know that much and when you graduate you will have something good to put on a resume. It is good you are talking here you will see you are not alone in the struggles you are having. I too came from poverty but got an education and i struggled for almost a year to get a job and finally i did
    Small steps at a time first one is to graduate then look for a job ok
  4. Ladygrace

    Ladygrace Active Member

    Sorry i did not catch the first post there Idontknowanymore.

    I agree with Total Eclipse that your education has to be in your top priorities. I am not sure what country you come form but being able to put on your resume that you studied and past shows that you have commitment. Now i suffer the same issue as you i can not stand to be in front of people and serving them. the way around this i found was getting a job stacking shelves at a super market (Yes some people asked for help with products but it is less stressful then serving people) Or there maybe a chance of stocking at night? i am not sure of the times your classes are. I to am studying, and i feel the pain and stress of that part. No offence but your sister sounds like a self entitled little **** who will soon find out what the real world is like. Sit sounds like she is using depression to make excuses to get things while you and your parents are suffering more. (My sis has been using Depression as an excuse to get money and everything done for her as well).

    You mentioned you had great math skills which is amazing for sure, there are jobs that will use that a lot for sure, have you tried maybe looking into possible jobs like accounting? like what has been said the job market is a very very rough place atm for young and old people so dont get to upset about it atm as it does suck but i am sure something will come along.

    People are here to help you and talk to you so please feel free to chat to us as we are here :)
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