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I can't take life and I'm the worst person in the world

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To explain myself I have to start back when my parents were still together and everything was still okay. I lead a good childhood and had a good amount of friends. At this time I was living in Illinois and I had move around 9 times throughout my 12 year life. It was 6th grade year and everyone seemed against me. I had a few friends who lived in my neighborhood but everyday at school I got made fun of. For example I had braces in 6th grade and I had to brush my teeth at school, so I went after lunch and brushed my teeth. I came back to the lunch table and they started to make fun of me because I had some toothpaste on my shirt. They were all saying it was cum, I had to deal with them all year and that hurt me. My 7th grade year was my best year of school ever. I met one of my closes friends then his name is Jesse and I still know him to this day. I was fairly popular in 7th grade and I started to have a positive outlook on life. When 8th grade came my dad annouced that he had been offered a job in New Jersey and that he was going to take it. At this time my sister was in her senoir year of high school so my dad takes off and goes to live in NJ and my mom, my sister and me stay in Illinois. Throughout my 8th grade year I was constantly being beaten up and made fun of. 3 months left in my 8th grade year I moved out to New Jersey with my mom. My sister stayed in Illinois to finish her senoir year. I had so much more trouble at my new school in New Jersey. I never made a friend that year. Then my mom takes off for 5 weeks, when she came back she was very depressed. When my 8th grade year was finally over, I went back to Illinois because I was depressed in NJ. My dad stayed there. That summer my mom had annouced that she wanted a divorced. I took that very hard. When I came back to school in August I lived in Illinois with my mom and my dad was in New Jersey, I only saw him once every 3 months. I went through my deepest depression during that time, I gained alot of weight and all I did was play online Ps2. My grades were so bad that my dad forced me to move back to New Jersey. So now its the beginning of my sophmore year and im in New Jersey. The first day at my new school I got made fun of because I am over weight. I got beat up everyday at school that year. It's now my junoir year and I'm involved in alot of drugs and the wrong crowd, but there the only one that accept me. Even though they make fun of me for being overweight and ugly. I forgot my mom's birthday that was 10 tens ago and she now will hate me even more. My dad has given up hope on me. I really dont want to live anymore. I can't take this shit, I'm on burnout. My therapist sucks, he can't do anything, I wish I had some drugs, I want to OD so bad. I really can't wait to die, if I could I would take a gun and go into public and make myself known. I think my parents wouldnt even care, they would be happy if i died.


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"Circumstances don't make the man, they reveal him." This is probably the only thing I remember from my highschool literature class in New Jersey. Everyone gets dealt different hands; some people get shit while others get an ace high, but it's always wise to put on a strong facade. I don't mean to say "suck it up," but I've been through a situation somewhat similar to yours (worthless shrink, feelings of self worthlessness and rage turned towards not only myself, but those I truly loved who unconditionally loved me without my reciprocation). Now, as I look back as a somewhat changed man enroute to medical school, I realize that I was so blind and could have dramatically changed my situation by simply relaxing and taking life in better.
I'm not your mother, and I'm not going to suggest that you completely refrain from drugs, but you must be careful with what you're taking. Us kids have the internet which we can use to share our experiences with drugs. I suggest you at least google a rough mechanism of action for any of the drugs you take.
As for suicide, I was on the verge several times during my sophomore and junior years. But my antisocial self suddenly changed by simply opening my eyes and ears to the world and kicking back a bit. Once you get to college, you'll find that the weak have been separated from the chaff. You'll find that those same kids that picked on you will have either grown up or gotten a job at McDonald's.
Fitting in? That was my biggest worry the summer before senior year of highschool and freshmen year of college. The strange thing about our social structure is that there is a spot for nearly everybody. People who piss in cardboard boxes have a niche, as do those who do vector calculus in the shower. It'll be nearly impossible for you to not enter new social situations, and, as uncomfortable as that may sound, it's best not to always live in your comfort zone while cooling into a mundane mold. You need to get stressed and challenged by life, while preparing the appropiate response, even though you don't know what that response may be.
Parents splitting? There is nothing you can do about this, except cope. Remember which hand you get and how to bluff.
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