I feel like shit. I'm so stupid, I keep trusting the wrong people. In the end they call me all kinds. I can't stop dreaming about it all, I don't want to sleep. My family ask how I am and sometimes I catch them looking at me and they ask if I'm okay. I try and tell them how I feel, hell I drop hints more than anything and they know what the hints are, I can see it in their eyes. IF THEY DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH A TRUE ANSWER WHY THE FUCK DO THEY ASK? I'm a little drunk at the minute so maybe I feel worse because of that, either way I feel like this a lot. My mother seems to be drinking more and taking ultra strong meds to knock her out since she's been with her boyfriend. All they ever talk about is his daughter and how cute/clever she is. My mum has barely even bothered talking to me. Everything is getting so much worse, there is nobody in real life to talk to. I'm sick of all this god dammit, crying all the time and feeling this way. And No! No doctor will talk to me, none of them will refer me, my school won't, the fucking mental health centre for children won't do shit. There is no way to talk to anyone in authority who won't say the same, even going to a hospital they wouldn't do anything. I'm sick of everyone ignoring me! Why the fuck does nobody ever bother? Why do I constantly see moody teenage idiots getting counseling and everything and I am the one that is said 'I'm not depressed' when it's obvious I am fucking depressed. All I ever get is the same fucking responses 'Nothing wrong with you' 'You have to stop relying on people you'll be an adult soon' and 'just deal with it, we (adults) all have to do the same' I keep wanting to break things, I get so angry I want to scream. It's either 'It's pathetic to allow your fathers death to ruin your life, he wouldn't want that' Or 'I don't think bereavement is what you need since it never worked last time' Grr, I never wanted help for a long time and now that I do, they don't fucking bother. I don't even have the guts to kill myself, I'm so pathetic. I can't even do anything right. I don't want to live in this world, I can't bare the thought of living in such a horrible cruel place. It's already been made clear with all my scars I look 'fucked up' and nobody 'decent' will want to be with me. I apologize for my language if it offends anyone. I'm too bloody angry right now.