I have been suicidal since I was 13 (43 now). I've made a few different attempts, and obviously, have failed. The darkness always comes. Yes, it does eventually pass, usually after months of incredible pain and suffering. But it always comes back, and I am so tired of hurting. I feel like I've taken all I can take. Yes, I have a plan... two, actually. But I don't yet have the means to carry them out. It would involve a few purchases that I am fully capable of making. It's just that that's a huge step towards actually carrying out my plan. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of not dying. I'm afraid of the consequences of failing yet again, because this time, those consequences would be permanent damage, because I don't intend to attempt another overdose where I just get my stomach pumped and I'm fine again. This one will be all or nothing. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist that I trust, but I can't be fully honest about these feelings because I don't want to end up in the hospital. I do tell them that I'm having suicidal thoughts, but I definitely don't tell them how bad they are. I won't tell them that I just had <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. I haven't slept in 6 days - have had some hallucinations - and I have barely been able to eat anything in that time either. I have to force myself to eat when I feel so hungry that I feel weak and shaky. The thought of food is absolutely nauseating. I know there are a few people who care and would be hurt by me killing myself, but my suffering is so intense, and they will find a way to move on. I have no way to move on. I just want to leave this place and finally have some peace. I can't talk about this anywhere else because I'm afraid that someone who knows my address will call 911 on me. I don't want interference. I don't want anyone to try to stop me or talk me out of it, I just need a place to talk about what I'm feeling. So thanks for being here and letting me share.