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I can't take this anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SuicidalRN, Sep 10, 2014.

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  1. SuicidalRN

    SuicidalRN Member

    I have been suicidal since I was 13 (43 now). I've made a few different attempts, and obviously, have failed. The darkness always comes. Yes, it does eventually pass, usually after months of incredible pain and suffering. But it always comes back, and I am so tired of hurting. I feel like I've taken all I can take. Yes, I have a plan... two, actually. But I don't yet have the means to carry them out. It would involve a few purchases that I am fully capable of making. It's just that that's a huge step towards actually carrying out my plan. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of not dying. I'm afraid of the consequences of failing yet again, because this time, those consequences would be permanent damage, because I don't intend to attempt another overdose where I just get my stomach pumped and I'm fine again. This one will be all or nothing.

    I have a therapist and a psychiatrist that I trust, but I can't be fully honest about these feelings because I don't want to end up in the hospital. I do tell them that I'm having suicidal thoughts, but I definitely don't tell them how bad they are. I won't tell them that I just had <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>.

    I haven't slept in 6 days - have had some hallucinations - and I have barely been able to eat anything in that time either. I have to force myself to eat when I feel so hungry that I feel weak and shaky. The thought of food is absolutely nauseating.

    I know there are a few people who care and would be hurt by me killing myself, but my suffering is so intense, and they will find a way to move on. I have no way to move on. I just want to leave this place and finally have some peace.

    I can't talk about this anywhere else because I'm afraid that someone who knows my address will call 911 on me. I don't want interference. I don't want anyone to try to stop me or talk me out of it, I just need a place to talk about what I'm feeling. So thanks for being here and letting me share.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2014
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Why do you want to die, is there something specific triggering these feelings?

    One thing you need to know is that no, people won't just get over it and move on. There are many people here who can tell you the same thing from personal experience. Someone who has lost a child, parent, sibling, someone close to them to suicide... the pain never ends. I have a friend who lost his mother to suicide when he was 9 or 10, and even now, over 20 years later, he battles depression and anxiety, thoughts and questions about why he wasn't enough to keep his mother alive. His therapy and treatment are ongoing and have been for the entire time.

    I hope you'll make the decision to do everything you can to overcome these thoughts, even if it does mean a stay in the hospital.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    A short stay in hospital is w hat you may need to get the darkness the pain to subside some ok it won't be forever hugs and as said NO ONE gets over it ok the pain is passed on to the ones we leave behind
  4. Anonimo19

    Anonimo19 Member

    I feel for you, there must be something troubling you, you just have to think specifics and make a list, think hard of the things you can fix and the things that are out of your control, focus on the things you can fix and if you ever want to talk about it you have my support
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I am really sorry to hear you are feeling so low! It is good that you have a therapist and psychiatrist that you trust, I understand your concerns about them hospitalizing you shall you make them aware of how you are truly feeling. BUT do you think the hospital might be the best place to be if you are feeling this low?

    The hallucinations could be down to lack of sleep. 6 days is a long time to stay awake, I think maybe the hospital might be the best place for you right now as you did say that this does eventually pass.

    Failing that. You could ring or email the samaritans, they will certainly not have you hospitalized. I have had great experiences with them. They are very helpful.

    Best of luck to you :hug:
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