I can't take this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by A_pixie, Feb 20, 2008.

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  1. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Drew...he's met someone else...please God don't let them get together or I'm doing it. I've made up my mind, the idea of him being with anyone else makes me want to throw up. I can't eat. I'm in shock and I keep thinking about dying. I know what to say in the note, I know how to do it successfully and I'm so close. I gave him everything. I lost so much for him.

    I did everything for him! He will never meet anyone who put up with so much yet I'd do anything to get back with him. He is my soul mate, the love of my life. I want this to end. I want to look after him and hold him and treasure him again. I want to make him the happiest person alive. I want things to be like they were last year. It would be so easy for me to do it right now because I have too much love for him...I don't want a life without him!

    I've stopped eating again...I want to starve myself to death because maybe then it wouldn't look like a suicide...my Mum wouldn't have to find me and she'd blame it on my eating disorder. On the other hand it would take long and I would probably cave.

    I'm taking a look at my life and realizing I just don't want it. If there were a way I could permanently switch off via sedation or something I would do it right now. I can't cope.

    People have tried to help me but nobody can bring him back in my life. I don't want this...I want to be gone forever.

    I'm sorry to anyone who tried to help me, my heart's broken and I can't live with a broken heart forever.

    I love you so much Drew.
  2. zetaf

    zetaf Well-Known Member

    Don't let yourself believe he's the only one. I'm sure you're a wonderful person with a lot to offer and you definitely have the potential to share a deep and meaningful relationship with someone else. :smile: Other people can accept you and love you the same.
  3. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I'm trying so hard....but it's killing me. I love him so much despite how he treated me.

    I'd go through it all again to make things better, over and over.

    I do not want to live without him. Let alone if he's with someone else! that makes me feel physically sick....
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    It's only a guy pixie. Guys will come and go.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    This guy is not worth your life pixie. It may not seem you can go on without him, but you can. If he has found someone else, it would not be good between you. It may take awhile to learn to cope with the loss, but you can. :hug:
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey, Pixie,

    I can tell you're hurting a lot.

    Perhaps these things sometimes happen so we can move on to better things, better relationships. You deserve someone who loves you and is good to you, not someone who wants you to be something or someone else so the relationship "works." It takes two to make it work. If one does all the giving and compromising, the other person is, by reason and logic, doing all the "TAKING." You are well worth loving for who you are yourself, and you deserve someone who gives you as much as you are willing to give to him.

    Big hugs!

  7. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Hey Pixie, I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. The best advice I can give is to give yourslef some time. If you plan on killing yourself set a date a few years from now. This will give you time to see things form a different light. You may find someone else you care about.

    I know that right now that seems impossible, thats how it felt to me too but its not true. Dont give in to those suicidal thoughts. Wait it out, you can get better.
  8. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    He used to love me so much...he used to make me the happiest person alive, why won't he give me another chance? He wants to go out and party with his good for nothing friends who will probably abandon him when they go to uni... I don't want to live without him. He means the world to me. I have so much love to give and he won't even let me look after him anymore...

    I miss him so much :'(
  9. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Hes grown out of love with you. Theres nothing you can do to bring him back. You have to move on like he has. Theres someone else out there right now that you can love just as much as him. You just havent met him yet.
  10. It seems you have actually give this guy everything you can, apart from your existence that is, and the way you feel at the moment you may give him that as well. (Hopefully not)
    You feel this way because everything you thought you were depended on another person’s attitude towards you. Now that attitude has changed, or is longer available, everything you thought you were is left in painful fragmentation.
    These fragmented pieces are not you, you still exist, they are only what you thought you were, and are now not.

  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support


    You deserve someone who cares about you and gives you as much as you give him! If this guy prefers to hang around with good-for-nothings instead of you, how much does he actually care about you and the things you find important in life? He puts himself and his other friends first. YOU deserve so much better than that, sweetie! You really do. You deserve to be with someone who believes that you are as important as (or more than) these other people. Frankly, I think you are too good for him. I'm sure the break up hurts now. Although you're hurting now, it could be a good time to do a few things for yourself that he wasn't interested in doing with you. That might help you get your "sense-of-self-without-him" back so you can see from a better perspective if you still want to pursue a relationship with him.

    We always grieve when we lose something/someone. Sometimes what we lose isn't really a friend or relationship - it's our "dream of a relationship" with that someone that gets broken. Perhaps you could give that some thought - and see what you really want and need most in a relationship.

    I know it really hurts, hun. As you begin participating in your own interests and making new connections with people, I think it will get better. Hang in there sweetie-pie!
  12. the_nihilist_reason

    the_nihilist_reason Antiquities Friend

    Hey Pixie...

    I know how much something like this hurts, so I can imagine how you are feeling.
    I can relate to your situation myself. I know what it's like to give everything to another person for years and then be treated with indifference or hostility afterwards, while the person you loved choses to be with others that may never have done anything for him, will hurt him, or doesn't even respect him. There is little enough morality already in this world, or our life, and this just clutters everything. I feel like I have to mention that, just so you don't waste your tears hoping for morality in the end here.

    From your posts, you seem like you really did give everything to him, and I believe you when you say you have... But since he doesn't care about you and your wellbeing the way you want it to, do you really want him to have power over your mind and emotions? I have never seen a healthy relationship where one person is genuinly giving and loving, while the other is consuming. You deserve someone who can love you as much as you have loved.
    You should be proud of how you have loved and supported someone for years. By my experience, this ability is a rare treat.

    It is hard to deal with all the memories, any hopes you may have had, as well as the injustice of it all. It is very hard to lose ones attachments and even more so when you see others benefitting from them. It opens up a sudden gap in us. But it can usually be filled up again. :smile: Usually it requires two things: That you get over the previous experience, and secondly, start on a new and better future. It usually helps to start with the the new begining, before you can think about getting over the past.

    Don't know if this helps you in any way, since it is easy just to "rationalise" somones lives I do not know nor live myself... So please do forgive any oversimplification on my part. Besides, in situations like these, emotions are one thing, rationality another. I speak from experience. :dry:
    But remember to be proud of yourself? Okay? :smile:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2008
  13. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    ^^^^^ Well said, everything I was thinking but was too tired to type earlier this morning.
  14. zetaf

    zetaf Well-Known Member

    You make a really good point. Pixie, think about what would actually happen if you got back together with him. It wouldn't be what it used to be, it would be problematic anyway. You don't really want that. Unfortunately what you want is to go back in time which can't happen. There are so many different kinds of people in this world. Find a guy who needs you as much as you need him and things will work so much better for you.

    I'll leave you with this: It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... many people here have never loved at all and they will tell you. The fact that he once loved you so dearly means there are many wonderful things about you that other guys can appreciate too.
  15. Zepherous

    Zepherous New Member

    I'm currently going through this at the moment also.
    I know its hard when people tell you there will be someone else out there... you just seem like they're not really listening and giving you the same old thing everyone else gives you.
    It wasn't so long ago that my emotions got the better of me. I tried something stupid because I felt like the girl I'm in love with totally hated me now and wanted nothing to do with me.
    People in this forum however, most of whom have never physically seen you before, seem to be able to see the person you truely are. The person inside. And not the person struggling from suicidal thoughts. Remember that you're not the only one going through this... because I am too and I know of other people who are.
    Yeah, it sucks. And heartbreak is absolutely the worst pain in the world. Sometimes I suppose you wish that it would just be much easier living in the ground pushing up daisies so-to-speak. Like me personally, I feel that if I was to kill myself, I'd be doing my ex a favour because she just pretends these days that I do not exist.
    I could never, even when I felt suicidal, think of anything negative to say about her, I blamed myself and still do... I take everything that happens and consider myself the most worthless piece of crap on the face of the Earth. How could I let the one thing that made everything better for me, slip away?

    I know people ask you to consider how it would effect other people, and like I said before, you feel as though you would be doing other people a favour, [well at least from my experiences], but coming from a guy who wakes up every morning and asks God to take him to some place different from this one, coming from a guy who has never met you before and only know as much as I do about you from this post, you would (very honestly) be someone that I would love to be able to call my own.
    Because unlike a lot of other people, who sit there and just say they understand... understanding is different to feeling & understanding... and that's the part people just don't get...
    Like I said, I've never met you before, but you seem to deserve much more than a guy that, in the end, didn't seem to appreciate what you could give him. You gave him your best and it still wasn't good enough... I know it's hard to think negatively about the person at this stage, but he sounds like a total jerk if he could do that to you.
    But think of it this way: One of these days, and it will be a day not too long away, you're gonna find someone who will never want to give you up, the same way you still do not want to give up on your ex. Somebody out there, at the moment - even if you dont know it, somebody out there finds an inner-infactuation in you... now, how would you think this person - no matter who it is, would feel if you were to knock yourself off?
    The person they came to love, just killed themselves and they'd feel bad because they never got the opportunity to tell you how much you meant to them, and how much they loved you.
    There is someone - I guarantee you - out there right now that thinks that way of you. You may not know who it is, but they love you more than you can ever dream.
    So for them, and yourself - I ask you to keep going... or go on for just a little bit longer.

    This is coming from someone who is currently going through what you are.
    Believe me when I say, I know how you feel.
  16. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much everybody...I'm in so much pain after losing him but some days are better than others I guess. The worst part of this is that I accept he treated me badly but at the same time I want him back. It's so confusing...I'm sorry to the people on here going through the same thing I am. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

    If anyone wants to PM me about heartbreak and talk, I know exactly how you feel...I keep getting thoughts about killing myself pop up and they're getting harder and harder to ignore. I would never tell anyone suicide is the solution to a breakup but I know how unbearable the pain can be. I'm trying so hard to function like I used to but everything seems meaningless without him :(
  17. the_nihilist_reason

    the_nihilist_reason Antiquities Friend

    I can relate to that, all of it. :dry:
    You are very compassionate. An incredible quality!
    You do not deserve the treatment you've been given. I still think you should be proud of yourself! :smile:
    One thing I learned a while ago, is that not everyone wants to the same place in life, and that love won't create that either.
    Not to mention that there are selfish people around.

    Hm, where did I put the voodoo doll. :laugh:
  18. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much everyone....I guess I need to relax and keep calm whenever possible...

    I hope you guys will be alright very soon, it's such a hard thing to go through :(
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