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I can't take this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hangman, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t know how long I can keep it up, breathing, existing. It’s like my life is just for show, to cover up something else, like it’s just a waiting place. I’m sick of waiting for peace and quiet, I’m sick of wasting time living a life that only makes me more sick and tired of it.

    Feels like the end is coming nearer now; feels like tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week, or next month will be the last. I truthfully don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve tried therapy and still try, but I don’t know if it will lead to something. I’ve tried to let it out in creativity, which makes me feel better if it is good, but worse when it’s not. I’ve tried self harm, but that doesn’t work anymore; feels almost like a hobby or something now. I’ve tried alcohol, and found out that I hate being drunk and miserable. I don’t know what to do now.

    I feel angry a lot these days, anger that’s been trapped up in me for years and years. The smallest things that usually make me sad and blue just makes me mad as hell. But I don’t let anybody know, at least not directly. I want to show my anger, my frustration with people, my friends, my family. But I just don’t know how to be angry at someone, I’m too afraid to be angry with anyone. I think that I’m scared that people will leave me or talk shit about me behind my back, so that my paranoia will become truth. Cause I’m really paranoid most of the time, I come to think that people hate me, that I’m ugly and that everybody knows my secrets and laugh at me about it. I am so damn afraid to be left behind. But the funny thing is, that I wish everybody would hate me, everybody, so that no one would give a flying fuck if I went and killed myself.

    Feels like time is closing in on me. I need to be dead soon, cause it will fit so perfectly. About 11 months ago, a girl in my school committed suicide, which gave me a hard time considering my own feelings about it and my wish that I had been the one. Everyone talked about it and I just felt like shit having to listen to it all. But I want to go on that day, one year later. It might sound cruel, but I do want to do it, on that day. Cause these past few months, I’ve thought about suicide day and night.

    I also feel the need to finish off soon because this is my final year at school. This summer I’ll have to get a job, support myself, get my own place and decide what to do with my life.
    FUCK, I have no desire for life in any way. I wouldn’t be able to keep a job, when a bad day becomes a bad week, and a bad week becomes a bad month; what am I supposed to do then? Cause when those days, weeks, month come, I can’t stand people. I hide in my room for days sometimes, so no one can see me, hear me. If I didn’t show up for work in a week, I’d be fired asap. So my only conclusion is to end this suffering for good.

    I’ve got therapy in 4 days. I’m going to tell him of my plans, and ask him to either try to help me, let me go with it, or have me institutionalized. Cause I’ve thought about it, and I think it could do me some good to be locked up for a while, with peace and quiet, maybe some drugs that will make me less hostile to life.

    Hell I don’t know what will happen the next few months, but I hope it’s for the better for me, or this could turn ugly.
  2. rostova

    rostova Member

    I'm not sure what to say except that your paranoid thoughts sound really tough. It must be hard for you to go through that... but the truth is that other people are just as focused on themselves as you are. If you take a risk and interact with one of them, you'll probably be surprised at a positive response from them. You sound like a very intelligent person capable of doing great things one day. It would be a shame not to stick around for that.
  3. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    Thx for believing in me :)

    I know that most people don't want to hurt me or anything, and I try to convince myself of this when I get that feeling. But my paranoia just takes over hand, I don't know why. And when I feel like this, I don't want to be around anybody, not talk to anyone or interact with anything.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can reach out get therapy get on some new meds to help you with paranoia depression I am glad you reached out here keep reaching out okay keep venting the anger out here as it does help
  5. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    Thx Violet :)
    I am having therapy in two days, and I'm going to be totally honest this time. I've never been on any meds, but I'm willing to try anything at this stage.
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