I Can't Take This!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jakesaysrelax, Aug 19, 2011.

  1. jakesaysrelax

    jakesaysrelax Member

    I can't do this anymore.

    I can't keep it straight. Am I angry, am I depressed, and I lonely?
    Someone fucking help me. I can't get it on my own. I can't tell my parents, I can't do it. I had numerous chances when I went to the store with my mom, but when I think about telling her I need to go to the doctor I feel ashamed, plus I know that when I do ask her to take me to see doctor B that she's gonna ask why and then what do I tell her?
    I think it would just make her worry and try to talk to me about it, but if my family sat me down and tried to talk seriously heart to heart that would probably be 'good' for me, but I would feel so terribly awkward in that moment I would probably try to get out of it before I even got anywhere. Another down side to telling my mom I want help for how I feel, she would have to tell my dad.

    Not a big deal, but you would have to understand my thought process works.
    I've become more and more detached from my family just because I think that Im a let down. I swear my dad doesnt like me, Im sure he loves me, but doesnt like me, Im a joke of what a son should be, plus I said before how I have an odd history of emotional problems. Ive had problems since I was about 12 maybe 13. I used to get this pit in my stomach, and unexplainable feeling of bad that would just come over me and drag me down. I would sit in my room for days and cry. What kind of 12 year gets depressed and has to sit there with his parents crying trying to tell them whats wrong, and better yet what would a parent even say? I think about how I must have made them feel through all of this.

    Once I got to be about 15 maybe I started to have sexuality issues, another blow to my dad, having your son call home at 3 in the morning crying saying I couldnt stop thinking I was gay, which is one more thing Ive had to put my parents through, I even went and saw a shrink over it. At the time it was completely irrational, but now that Im getting older, there are little signs in my life that would say I might like other guys. I cant handle that, I would never tell anyone, I would just keep it to myself if I ever completely realized thats what I liked.

    And on top of all of that, I would say that out of the last 5 years of my life, Ive been depressed for roughly 4 if you combine the bouts together.
    This whole time I've been so lonely, attention starved(not from my parents but from people who dont love me unconditionally) depressed, and empty inside almost numb to real feelings. Ive never had a single girlfriend and Im fucking 17. Im a chubby weird kid who cant talk to people, it's some kind of social fucking disorder I'd imagine. I freak out, even the idea of going somewhere where there will be people makes me nervous, which keeps me from ever making friends, so I never get better at talking to people which means anytime Im introduced to someone or a group of people I jsut stand there like a mute cause I have nothing to say or fear what they might think or say back if I did open my mouth.

    I feel like Im doomed to be the weird guy that everyone fucking avoids, with zero confidence in anything I do, no self worth, and the fat dorky white kid exterior to go with it, I screw my self on a daily basis with friends and opportunities to change things. Im too afraid to try anymore. Up until I got to high school, I was constantly bullied, made fun of for being fat or quiet and everyone just singled me out half of the fucking time. Now I can't trust what people say or if anyone actually likes me because I know how simple it would be for Nick who I tried sitting with at lunch this year, to turn around and just rip me apart with other people. So if I never sit with them, and I never talk to them or do anything they could use against me I can try to pretend like it doesnt bother me before they have the chance to prove me right.

    Friends are just another problem I have. I have 2 actual friends that I hangout with outside of school(in school I talk to maybe 7 people).
    Out of those 2 only one of them knows how I feel. And he always just tells me it's my own fault and to get over it, the other day when I told him how I seriously thought about killing my self, part of what he said was no wonder I'm depressed like I am, all I do is sit in my room and watch netflix. It made me want to fucking cry! He's right it's all my fucking fault, I just can't seem to bridge these gaps on my own. Ive tried making friends and I've tried talking to more people or being active in school, or just working on self improvement like working out. But something always happens and I get drug right back down and once you feel that low you dont focus on getting back up, i look for relief such as saying fuck running today, Im going to eat some ice cream and watch TV.

    Do you wanna know the part that gets me the most. It's not my family or friends or my own self loathing.
    It's how (and I cant explain why) how I like to be depressed.

    Yeah its fucking crazy. Once I start to feel happy I start to want to get depressed again. Maybe it because Ive been this way for so long I dont know how to be anything else, or it's just easier to be depressed all the time so that way you can only go up.

    I was laying in my bed, and I just start to feel it bubble up and Im sooo sick of not being able to put all of this anywhere. But then I found SF and I've been feeling a little more hopeful after reading other peoples problems not feeling so isolated in my own pity. I could probably go on, but Im tired and I want to lay down and eat some mint chocolate chip.

    We'll see how tomorrow goes...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 19, 2011
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just letting you know I read your post, and how you feel isn't your fault. :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your feelings all say depression hun Depression that can be treated so you can feel less alone less an outisider. Talk to a coucillor at your school they will talk to your parents for you but the longer you leave it the harder it will get to treat So you can feel better hun but you have to do something now about it okay TALK to someone councilor teacher your doctor get treatment started so life can and will get better for you
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    i can relate to the 'liking depression' bit. after a while you get used to this feeling. One mans insanity is another mans sanity, right?
  5. jakesaysrelax

    jakesaysrelax Member

    Even if I can get my courage up enough to tell my mom I need to go to the doctors, what do I say to him?

    Just hi, Im depressed and I think Im gonna go jump off the Y Bridge if you dont help me? Like what do I say, he's gonna ask what seems to be the problem or something friendly and Im just gonna freeze.

    Just tell him that I think I need help, Im tired of being depressed and I cant take the anxiety of going back to school. I can manage telling my mom, but what do I say to the doc?
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you say what you are feeling if you cant you write it down first and hand the paper to you doc saying what you want him to hear that you need help
    You are having suicidal ideas and need help to get you stable again so you can go back to school well. If you can talk print out what you have said here and hand it to your doctor okay Get stable now hun so school year will be less of a struggle hugs
  7. jakesaysrelax

    jakesaysrelax Member

    Im going to try and talk to someone, I will.
    But if I can't get some kind of relief soon, I just WON'T wait any longer to actually end it.

    But really, thanks for helping..
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just go to hospital okay that is the safest place to go and oncall pdoc will help you your parents do not hurt them hun by leaving it will destroy them i know. hugs