I can't talk to anyone

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by csu1336, Mar 9, 2009.

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  1. csu1336

    csu1336 Member

    I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about this cause I'm embaressed, guys arn't supposed to have eating disorders, especially in my chosen career. I was always overwieght growing up, as are my sisters, though one has recently changed her habits and has dropped quite a bit, and so is my mom. By the end of my freshman year of college I was 6'6'' and nearly 275lbs, much of that fat. I left college and enlisted in the Marine Corps, I lost 30lbs just to go to boot camp, and now 3 years down the road I weigh 175lbs. I know that what I see on my stomach is just excess skin, but I can't make myself believe it. I still think I'm fat when I look in the mirror. I even became a vegitarian 6 months ago in an effort to try and get rid of as much fat on my body as I could. I can see my ribs, people keep telling me how skinny I am but never feel it. I restrict my calorie intake as much as I can and still be able to function in the field for my MOS. When I look in the mirror I keep trying to convince myself that I'm not fat, but no matterwhat I tell myself or what anyone else says I cant be convinced of it. Almost every day I take in >1000, sometimes much less than that. On top of that I take redline fat burner pills too. I went through a little bulimia phase for a little over 6 months but had to stop, its hard to hide that in the barracks. I only feel better when I'm starving, like I have this pleasent little thought in the back of my head that I'm losing weight. I check my weight all the time, sometimes several times a day. The Marine Corps is obssed with physical apperance and weight so I'm sure that doesn't help. Ive been battling depression in conjunction with this, occasional suicidal thoughts, nothing to serious yet though. Ive never been actually diagnosed with an eating disorder, I've never even told anyone I feel this way. I know its not healthy for me but I can't stop feeling this way, no matter what I do I always feel fat. What I find strangest is that while I feel physically miserible often times while I'm starving, its when I feel my happiest mentally.
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Anyone can have an eating disorder. Whilst its more commonly publised in young women, it actually can affect anyone, and that is becoming more and more evident. It's very easy to say, but you have no reason to feel embarassed. To acknowledge you have a problem takes a strong person, and you are clearly very strong. Yes, talking about it won't be comfortable, but often in situations like this, being uncomfortable in the short term is actually more beneficial in the long term. Is it anything in particular that embarasses you? Or is it predominantly that you are a guy?

    You strike me as someone who is very aware of yourself, and that's good. Do you think you could talk to someone about this? Do you have a professional that helps you with your depression?

    I'm guessing you are in the US, but this link from the UK site about Eating Disorders might be helpful for you. http://www.b-eat.co.uk/AboutEatingDisorders/Mengeteatingdisorderstoo
     
  3. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I also feel happiest when I am starving and losing weight.
     
  4. csu1336

    csu1336 Member

    I tried to talk to someone, our resident navy chaplin. I'm to scared to go to our clinic out of fear my career will be over. Things have gotten progresivly worse. My depression has deepend, not to bad its still manigable on my own. ive have a sinking fear though that I might be nearing the end of my rope someday here soon
     
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    How did it go with the Navy Chaplain?
     
  6. csu1336

    csu1336 Member

    The chaplin was incedibly nice and assured me everything I told him was in confidence. He Told me that he could listen to anything I had to say and try and help me the best he could. However explained to me that he is in no way qualified to help counsil eating disorders and that in his opinion I had one. Long story short I've just kinda been winging it. Mt weight hasn't dropped at ton, which in one way pisses me off and depresses me more, but in another sense it gives me some hope because I know from a health standpoint I shouldn't loose anymore. I'm pretty much at a loss for what to do
     
  7. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Sounds to me like you are making a real good job of trying to deal with this problem. Being so aware of what's going on is a great step forward. Hope you will find the support and help you need from others here at the forumwho may have been through similar things. Best wishes.
     
  8. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    What you have described almost certainly sounds like an eating disorder, and it's not something to be taken lightly. You've begun to take steps to addressing it, but it is even more difficult given the environment you are in and the pressures involved. However if you do not get the right treatment it can get worse - can you not take medical leave and come back to your job once you are pronounced fit and healthy?

    The thing about eating disorders is that it is not about 'wanting to be thin,' it is a real illness and it is usually about wanting to be in control - hence why, even the unpleasant feeling of starvation or throwing up makes sufferers feel 'good.' This can happen for any number of reasons, but most namely that there has been a fair amount of instability in your life. Unfortunately a lot about life is uncertain and out of our control, and treatment should aim to get you to accept you as you are and not to fear the unknown.

    Indeed I have never had an eating disorder, I only know this stuff because I have seen friends suffer from them over a long period of time. I implore you to get the appropriate help as soon as you can. You cannot put a price on your health and it should always come first. If you have to quit your job, it may well be for the best as it sounds as though it is not the environment that you would thrive in and may slow down your treatment. What do you think?

    All the best
     
  9. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member

    Also - more guys suffer with this than you think - they think the same as you and hence are less likely than women to get treatment.
     
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