I Cant tell my best friend or boyfriend that I'm hurting

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Apr 18, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I don't have many friends, but I do have a few people... there's this group I met in what I guess counts as college... they all live all over the country now... but I am very close (as in emotionally) with one of them... She means the world to me.

    I care deeply for her, and I would always be there for her... I am the first person she runs to when she struggles (well me, and her boyfriend) but usually it's me she goes to first. I am one of the very few who hasn't judged her for her schizophrenia. I was one of the first people she told when she had the diagnosis and she lost some people because they got scared... truth be told I was a bit too, but I urged her to explain it to me so I could better understand and support her. I'm happy I stayed. She's such an amazing and caring person.

    Lately I haven't seen her much, other than me not being able to afford the train journey to see her, I haven't been feeling well. Starting therapy has been tough, my anxiety is through the roof and I'm very vulnerable.
    Had she called me in the middle of the night I would come running... but yeah... I haven't invited her, or made plans with her... I wrote to her though, telling her why I might have been 'ignoring her'... and she totally understood and was happy I am getting help.

    She knows I struggle with some stuff, and she knows my mother wasn't a nice person, and that my father didn't care to be part of my life, and that I was bullied... she doesn't know the rest... in a way I want to tell her... I know she would be hurt... but yeah...

    I feel like a fraud for keeping secrets from her. She has told me everything. She even told me that she was nearly raped, and never told anyone else... it was very hard for her to say that... and while my heart broke for her... I felt guilty. Why can't I tell her?

    Will she feel betrayed if she finds out I've been hiding half of my story for her?

    I often fake being a lot happier than I am when I'm with her. (that's not just with her... I am well trained at keeping up appearances with a happy face)

    This weekend she was hosting a TV series marathon... I came to her place early... (I usually try to be on time... but yeah, trains... and I refuse to be late)... and found her doing her makeup. We had a nice talk, while she was running around the place... and at first we had the 'how are you doing?' talk... she hasn't been well, mentally... I hate hearing that, but I know she's in good hands with her care system, and I reminded her that I was there for her.
    But I shocked myself when she asked me the same question and I said I hadn't been well either... but I told her it's because I'm in therapy and sometimes it hurts before it gets better...

    I just wish I could actually talk to people. I feel like I'm not allowing people to care for me.
    And it happens with my boyfriend too... if he has a bad day in any way... even if he just has a mild headache and I've had a hellish night (as in crying myself to sleep, wishing I was dead so all the memories and thoughts would stop...) I'll just tell him I'm perfectly fine.

    He would do anything to help me, and so would my friend... but I would rather put their pain before mine... like... like, I don't matter.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* you do matter hun

    What about telling your friend that you were abused, you don't need to go into details.
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  3. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Saying out loud, to someone preferably, the words I need help, can lift a tremendous amount of shame, guilt, pain, you name it, from your soul. Try it, find some peace with your struggles.
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  4. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I know it hard to tell those you love and care about you are struggling.....but they only want to be here for you and help you through your tough times. Even if they are having a hard time themself. I struggle to tell people as well and am so good at the mask.

    I don't see not telling your friend about your sexual abuse as hiding information you are just not ready to share yet and i am sure she will understand. And if you do want to tell her but arnt sure how maybe write it down and give it to her or even role play with your therapist all the different ways the conversation can go.

    You matter, your thoughts and feeling matter more than you realize and especially to your friend and boy friend because they just want what's best for you......I know its hard but if you don't tell them they carnt support you like they want to because they care about you so much.

    I know it may seem weird these days but maybe you and ur friend (if she is willing) could post letters to each other its a different way of keep I g in touch and it may help you feel a bit closer as I know how much you want to see her but I know its also not easy.

    I know therapy is hard and causing you so much distress right now but they say that's all part of the process so hang in there lady. You are more amazing and wonderful than you know.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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