I don't have many friends, but I do have a few people... there's this group I met in what I guess counts as college... they all live all over the country now... but I am very close (as in emotionally) with one of them... She means the world to me. I care deeply for her, and I would always be there for her... I am the first person she runs to when she struggles (well me, and her boyfriend) but usually it's me she goes to first. I am one of the very few who hasn't judged her for her schizophrenia. I was one of the first people she told when she had the diagnosis and she lost some people because they got scared... truth be told I was a bit too, but I urged her to explain it to me so I could better understand and support her. I'm happy I stayed. She's such an amazing and caring person. Lately I haven't seen her much, other than me not being able to afford the train journey to see her, I haven't been feeling well. Starting therapy has been tough, my anxiety is through the roof and I'm very vulnerable. Had she called me in the middle of the night I would come running... but yeah... I haven't invited her, or made plans with her... I wrote to her though, telling her why I might have been 'ignoring her'... and she totally understood and was happy I am getting help. She knows I struggle with some stuff, and she knows my mother wasn't a nice person, and that my father didn't care to be part of my life, and that I was bullied... she doesn't know the rest... in a way I want to tell her... I know she would be hurt... but yeah... I feel like a fraud for keeping secrets from her. She has told me everything. She even told me that she was nearly raped, and never told anyone else... it was very hard for her to say that... and while my heart broke for her... I felt guilty. Why can't I tell her? Will she feel betrayed if she finds out I've been hiding half of my story for her? I often fake being a lot happier than I am when I'm with her. (that's not just with her... I am well trained at keeping up appearances with a happy face) This weekend she was hosting a TV series marathon... I came to her place early... (I usually try to be on time... but yeah, trains... and I refuse to be late)... and found her doing her makeup. We had a nice talk, while she was running around the place... and at first we had the 'how are you doing?' talk... she hasn't been well, mentally... I hate hearing that, but I know she's in good hands with her care system, and I reminded her that I was there for her. But I shocked myself when she asked me the same question and I said I hadn't been well either... but I told her it's because I'm in therapy and sometimes it hurts before it gets better... I just wish I could actually talk to people. I feel like I'm not allowing people to care for me. And it happens with my boyfriend too... if he has a bad day in any way... even if he just has a mild headache and I've had a hellish night (as in crying myself to sleep, wishing I was dead so all the memories and thoughts would stop...) I'll just tell him I'm perfectly fine. He would do anything to help me, and so would my friend... but I would rather put their pain before mine... like... like, I don't matter.