I can't trust myself and I've got nowhere to go

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Aug 24, 2015.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I spent yesterday self destructing... it all started with a message from my abusive ex 'boyfriend' (he doesn't deserve that title...)

    Last time he contacted me was a few weeks back, on my 1st anniversary with my current boyfriend that ended up a disaster. My boyfriend forgot what the day was, despite us having talked about it the day before and spent it talking about how his ex girlfriend had sent him a letter... I was unreasonable. But it doesn't take much for me to feel forgotten and taken for granted. The poor man has brain damage and wakes up every morning not even knowing his own name.

    So we ended up having a fight... and my ex who usually knows when I have 'critical' and 'vulnerable' days contacted me... and managed to talk me into some 'comforting'... He can brainwash me still, and when I finally 'wake up' and say no he doesn't listen... which naturally hurt my boyfriend as much as it hurt me. We made up after days of fighting and tears, but my boyfriend came very close to leaving me.

    (my boyfriend is the first good man in my life, everyone else has hurt me)

    My boyfriend has all sorts of plans on how to make my ex pay, one of them involved him emailing my him, saying that he 'gave up' and didn't want to fight to be allowed to keep me anymore. I think that is why my ex contacted me hoping I would be vulnerable enough to fall into his trap.

    I even surprised myself, strongly I just answered him "F*ck you"

    but I could feel it bubble inside me... that feeling that I can never be free of him. That he will never let me go. He will always find me...
    I DON'T want him. Shortly after I met my ex I knew I had to get away, but it took a year to finally start to escape... only after he started to prostitute me.
    I lost myself. I wasn't even human, I wasn't sleeping...

    I met my boyfriend and what he knows now, is that he was the ladder I used to save my own life. I was lucky that he was a truly good man with the right intentions and he's using so many resources on getting me better.

    I've been abused my entire life, my single mother beat me, I was molested as a kid, bullied all through school, lost my virginity in a violent rape when I was 13, which gave me what I assume is PTSD... every man I met hurt me... (minus the boyfriend).

    As a result I've been suicidal since I was 9 years old, been cutting since I was 13 and I never really had proper help.

    When I was 21 I got sick as a result of my Bulge Eating Disorder, even rushed to hospital... when my doctor finally after a lot of painful tests came to the conclusion that it was a psychosomatic disorder and figured out I had at least one eating disorder she sent me into therapy.
    I wasn't 'ready' for therapy and being the pleaser I have always been I faked recovery and only told the therapist about my 'strict' mother, childhood bullying as the causes.

    For my boyfriend's sake I have sought therapy again now. (He has his own issues, I 'forced' him into therapy for PTSD and he has his brain damage and still struggles with the 'ghost' of his ex)...
    Getting my new doctor to refer me was easy, a lot easier than I thought... but then I had to talk to two different people, first a case worker and then a doctor at the psychiatric clinic. I tried to blurt out the sexual abuse and attacks, but was told twice that since I had already been in free therapy before and that since the attacks were in my childhood and I was 'still alive' maybe it was a 'waste of money' to treat me.

    I was a bad mess yesterday... the curtain knocked a glass ornament on the floor and I cut my finger when I wanted to pick it up. Without even thinking I was cutting up my arm. I have tried to stop cutting... and I got mad at myself. I wanted to throw the glass in the bin, but I just had to try another piece... an hour later I went through the trash (did I mention I have OCD and have a stress controlled fear of germs??)...
    I was trying to fight myself, I didn't want to do it... but it was an urge so strong. I am now sporting really deep cuts on my arm that I haven't yet cleaned...

    My thoughts just got darker and darker... my brain is really good at reminding myself of all the sh't and finding ways to blame myself.

    I was about to kill myself... I take strong pain relief for chronic back and hip pain (have scoliosis my mother didn't care to have treated when I was younger) and I physically had to stop myself from emptying the bottles.

    I live on the 5th floor and I had to 'block' the windows so it wasn't so easy to just open them and jump.

    I ended up drinking half a bottle of whiskey to help me sleep. I normally don't drink, not since my pain relief dose was raised, but it's all I could do.

    I was ready to call a suicide hotline... but last time I needed that last year I was told they shut down the service after 1am at night. WTF.

    I have a bad hangover today, I only got 2 hours of sleep and had to go to some 'introduction to therapy' class . I wanted to talk to the therapist after, but when I saw it was one of the women who suggested I wasn't worth treating I just chickened out.

    On top of everything I was given a letter about when I can start therapy. February.

    I can feel the panic attack welling up again. I don't know where to go or who to turn to. I've always been the 'strong' one... people have always come to me for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to in confidence.

    I cried to my boyfriend today, but he's not always available at night and some weekends... and he doesn't need the stress of dealing with me. My best friend is schizophrenic and has been very unwell lately, so she can't handle it either. She caught some strange posts from me on Facebook yesterday and offered to come by but I lied and assured her it was just an 'annoying' day.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2015
  2. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    it seems like you've been through a lot. if you want friendly people to talk about your problems with, you've come to the right place. i would say you could talk to me, but i'm not on here often enough. if you want friendly people to talk to irl i always suggest admitting yourself to the hospital. you might stay two weeks or so and you can get free therapy, group therapy, etc.

    you do have to be a little careful that you don't act too crazy so that they don't readmit you on an involuntary commitment as that could screw with your life a little bit ... for most people, unless you're hearing voices or have made threats etc. you don't have anything to worry about though
  3. cotopaxi

    cotopaxi Member

    As someone who used to be a cutter I can identify with your story. I always used to cut as a way of punishing myself and regaining some form of control over my life. It sounds like you have been through a lot but you have somehow managed to survive and deal with it. Okay, so your life is far from perfect but you are a strong person. You have to believe that. You're strong because you've dealt with everything life has thrown at you and you're still around.

    Cutting, overeating, drinking, drugs are all ways to cope with life. The problem is they are destructive coping mechanisms. You need to replace the negative with a positive until it becomes a habit. That's hard to do because you've conditioned your thinking to be dark and negative and that's worked for you so far since you're still alive. But there's nothing wrong with trying something new, something positive.

    The difficult thing is finding some positive alternative that works for you. For me it was exercise. Lifting a set of weights or working up a sweat on a treadmill gave me a release and made me feel better about myself. That might work for you it might not. It's all about finding your positive coping mechanism and promising yourself you'll never go back to the old, negative coping mechanism. Start with the cutting and try to replace it with something positive. It's hard but not impossible.

    Just remember there are three things that you can always control. 1) What you focus on. 2) What meaning you give what you focus on. 3) What action you take about the thing you're focused on.
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