I spent yesterday self destructing... it all started with a message from my abusive ex 'boyfriend' (he doesn't deserve that title...) Last time he contacted me was a few weeks back, on my 1st anniversary with my current boyfriend that ended up a disaster. My boyfriend forgot what the day was, despite us having talked about it the day before and spent it talking about how his ex girlfriend had sent him a letter... I was unreasonable. But it doesn't take much for me to feel forgotten and taken for granted. The poor man has brain damage and wakes up every morning not even knowing his own name. So we ended up having a fight... and my ex who usually knows when I have 'critical' and 'vulnerable' days contacted me... and managed to talk me into some 'comforting'... He can brainwash me still, and when I finally 'wake up' and say no he doesn't listen... which naturally hurt my boyfriend as much as it hurt me. We made up after days of fighting and tears, but my boyfriend came very close to leaving me. (my boyfriend is the first good man in my life, everyone else has hurt me) My boyfriend has all sorts of plans on how to make my ex pay, one of them involved him emailing my him, saying that he 'gave up' and didn't want to fight to be allowed to keep me anymore. I think that is why my ex contacted me hoping I would be vulnerable enough to fall into his trap. I even surprised myself, strongly I just answered him "F*ck you" but I could feel it bubble inside me... that feeling that I can never be free of him. That he will never let me go. He will always find me... I DON'T want him. Shortly after I met my ex I knew I had to get away, but it took a year to finally start to escape... only after he started to prostitute me. I lost myself. I wasn't even human, I wasn't sleeping... I met my boyfriend and what he knows now, is that he was the ladder I used to save my own life. I was lucky that he was a truly good man with the right intentions and he's using so many resources on getting me better. I've been abused my entire life, my single mother beat me, I was molested as a kid, bullied all through school, lost my virginity in a violent rape when I was 13, which gave me what I assume is PTSD... every man I met hurt me... (minus the boyfriend). As a result I've been suicidal since I was 9 years old, been cutting since I was 13 and I never really had proper help. When I was 21 I got sick as a result of my Bulge Eating Disorder, even rushed to hospital... when my doctor finally after a lot of painful tests came to the conclusion that it was a psychosomatic disorder and figured out I had at least one eating disorder she sent me into therapy. I wasn't 'ready' for therapy and being the pleaser I have always been I faked recovery and only told the therapist about my 'strict' mother, childhood bullying as the causes. For my boyfriend's sake I have sought therapy again now. (He has his own issues, I 'forced' him into therapy for PTSD and he has his brain damage and still struggles with the 'ghost' of his ex)... Getting my new doctor to refer me was easy, a lot easier than I thought... but then I had to talk to two different people, first a case worker and then a doctor at the psychiatric clinic. I tried to blurt out the sexual abuse and attacks, but was told twice that since I had already been in free therapy before and that since the attacks were in my childhood and I was 'still alive' maybe it was a 'waste of money' to treat me. I was a bad mess yesterday... the curtain knocked a glass ornament on the floor and I cut my finger when I wanted to pick it up. Without even thinking I was cutting up my arm. I have tried to stop cutting... and I got mad at myself. I wanted to throw the glass in the bin, but I just had to try another piece... an hour later I went through the trash (did I mention I have OCD and have a stress controlled fear of germs??)... I was trying to fight myself, I didn't want to do it... but it was an urge so strong. I am now sporting really deep cuts on my arm that I haven't yet cleaned... My thoughts just got darker and darker... my brain is really good at reminding myself of all the sh't and finding ways to blame myself. I was about to kill myself... I take strong pain relief for chronic back and hip pain (have scoliosis my mother didn't care to have treated when I was younger) and I physically had to stop myself from emptying the bottles. I live on the 5th floor and I had to 'block' the windows so it wasn't so easy to just open them and jump. I ended up drinking half a bottle of whiskey to help me sleep. I normally don't drink, not since my pain relief dose was raised, but it's all I could do. I was ready to call a suicide hotline... but last time I needed that last year I was told they shut down the service after 1am at night. WTF. I have a bad hangover today, I only got 2 hours of sleep and had to go to some 'introduction to therapy' class . I wanted to talk to the therapist after, but when I saw it was one of the women who suggested I wasn't worth treating I just chickened out. On top of everything I was given a letter about when I can start therapy. February. I can feel the panic attack welling up again. I don't know where to go or who to turn to. I've always been the 'strong' one... people have always come to me for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to in confidence. I cried to my boyfriend today, but he's not always available at night and some weekends... and he doesn't need the stress of dealing with me. My best friend is schizophrenic and has been very unwell lately, so she can't handle it either. She caught some strange posts from me on Facebook yesterday and offered to come by but I lied and assured her it was just an 'annoying' day.