I can't understand how to go through life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kilese, Mar 30, 2012.

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  1. Kilese

    Kilese New Member

    Every day i suffer, and i always have. I just need to rant out my feelings, sorry if this gets too long. I was born an accident, and the only reason my parents stayed married is because my mom got pregnant with me. She wanted to leave my dad, but felt obligated to stay. So then i grew up, both my parents against me because they couldnt stand each other, and its all my fault they stayed together. My dad acted like he hated my guts and i feared everyday, because i knew my dad was gonna hit me for no reason. He used to send me to my room for entire days, telling me i couldnt eat, and forcing me to sit alone hours and hours. So at a very young age i became suicidal. Nothing i did was right to him, even being in the bathroom too long would trigger him to come in grab me by the throat and throw me on the floor. My mom was aware of all this and didnt do anything, randomly hurting me and telling threats. I can remember when she chased me through the house and cornered me in the bathroom, and she was so furious over nothing and she just started kicking my face over and over. I didnt even feel safe going to school, even getting away from that at my house, i'd come to school just to be bullied there too. I had a hard time making friends, probably cause i was so scared all the time, and the only good, real friend i had in elementary school moved away. When i was four, my sister was born, but she was planned, and i have no clue how that happened, maybe my parents wanted to start over fresh. My dad especially loved my sister, and treated her like she was royalty, she got her way on everything, and i couldnt do crap about it. My dad stopped physically abusing me when i was 12, but he kept making sure i felt like crap emotionally, until he eventually just stopped talking to me at all for a few years. It seems like that would be better, but i just felt even more confused why my dad didnt want anything to do with me. My mom got nicer and decided she liked me better then my sister, whose turned into a greedy, manipulative brat. When i was 15 , i got my first real boyfriend, i was with him a few months before he got in trouble and had to go to some military academy. Before he went there he constantly pressured me to sleep with him, telling me he loves me. I never did sleep with him, and he got impatient, so one time at his house he had friends over and alcohol, and convinced me to drink. He then tried to take advantage of me, having the night all planned out. He had his friend convince me to wear a skirt so me and her could "match". He got me in his room "just to talk". But he just tried making out with me, and reached up and tried pulling down my underwear, i was terrified and wanted nothing to do with that, but he just kept trying. I got out of the room and called my mom and left. He called me and apologized and i for some reason forgave him. He went to the military academy a few weeks after that. I stayed with him that whole time, not having much contact except some letters. While he was in there i found out he had cheated on me repeatedly, and i had been with him 7 months (most of it he was gone) i felt devastated that this is how relationships are, but tried and tried again. I was with 4 more guys after that, every single one cheated on me. So now im 20, and i have a boyfriend i've been with 2 years, he's the only one who hasn't cheated on me(that i know of) its hard to believe he hasn't since its happened every other time. But he seems like a good guy and i fell extremely in love with him, and its hard for me to do that. So it really knocked me back when he broke a important promise to me and lied repeatedly for months. He had promised not to watch porn anymore (i consider it cheating, sexual thoughts and actions from another person while in a relationship is not right at all to me) he said he didnt care about watching it, but i found out he watched once again, even after i said we'd be done if he did. I also am suicidal and have decided he is my last try, if it doesnt work with him, im done with life. He was aware of this but watched it anyways. And then he just kept lying and lying, making excuses why he did it, and all that crap. But now i am just so hopeless feeling, and just know hes either gonna do it again or cheat. I just cant stop thinking about being done with life and i've already planned my death. I wish i could experience life in a positive way but i guess that just doesnt happen for some people.
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hi Kilese!

    Let me just say that I am happy to see you here and hope that you can get some sort of help or at least begin to feel better in some small way--which can in fact, turn out to be rather significant, I have found out! I'm truly sorry to hear of your rough upbringing. I don't think that you should be harboring any unnecessary guilt, however, over being born. It's not like THAT was your fault! I know what it's like to have a sibling who is favored over you, and it isn't fun. But the sooner you can let go of this issue, and stop comparing yourself to her, in their eyes (because you'll always be number two), the better. Believe me, I've accepted this fate, and prospered from my decision. And that's the key: you do have the choice to decide how much power and therefore influence you give to your family. How much hurt are you going to let them give or cause you? You don't deserve that! So, keep your head up, and you just concentrate on you, and what you can do, to feel good about yourself. Yes, I know that once you've been burned by a girl/boyfriend it is almost impossible not to live out the past failure in the present relationship. It's just so difficult to trust. But guess what (& surely you already know this, too) it isn't doing you any good. No favors can come out of self-fulfilling prophecies; which is what they can become, if we're not careful. The mind is a very powerful thing. And whatever we can do to help it in a positive way, is definitely preferable to the reverse! Good Luck To You! -Mr. B
  3. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    Hello Kilese. First of all, I have to say that after reading your story through, I have so much respect for you. You are stronger than you think.
    I can't deny that traumatic childhood does affect our personalities, emotional state and perceptions of the world when we grow up. I have become a sad person deep inside as I had a terrible childhood and teenage years... we kinda can relate.
    However, as of now, i do believe that we can choose to be who we want to be. have you ever done volunteer work? like.. helping injured animals at a shelter, feeding hungry dogs, spending time with neglected children or babies at a nursery or with old or handicapped people? or even a small gesture of kindness towards people in need of emotional support. through these acts of kindness, your sadness would subtly and slowly subside. you may not know right now the purpose of living with emotional pain, but one day, when you get stronger and older, you look back and you'll see how you have changed as a person.

    and do not let your boyfriend be your life dice. he is not the owner of your life.
    romantic relationship is not the only source of happiness.
    i'm well aware of this fact coz i myself have never had a relationship before and i'm not a teenage girl anymore.

    there are so many more positive things for you to experience. as i said, just hold on for now until the day you are strong enough to be able to be completely on your own. you've fought and won so many hard battles... so why give up now?

    feel free to talk to me anytime. you're not alone, my dear
    *hugging you* :hug:
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Generally, no one knows how to go through life since there is no booklet or instruction manuel (and that would be boring to have since it takes the fun and adventure out of your experiences) without at least a few slip ups to their name. All anyone can do is plonder along and make the best of what they have.
    The way I see my stuff-ups is that I tend to view them as being credit chips; everyone is entitled to one major f*** up in their life and the rest, well, you pay off the debt by doing something to amend it, however big or small. No need to sit around pining about it, as it only makes problems larger and grow more heavily into debt.
  5. Kilese

    Kilese New Member

    Thank you for the replies everyone. I seem to go up and down in hopefullness, some days i think, maybe things are gonna turn out ok. But then things come along to show me why i felt suicidal in the first place. I have done volunteer work, and it makes me feel good about helping, but theres just too much in life and i still feel helpless.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi honey, pleased to meet you and so pleased that you have discoverd SF. I can relate to your childhood and to how it affects our perception of things. However, there is always hope, so I've learned (the very hard way - but I still just managed to learn it) - and life is for learning, even though most of the time we may not feel we are getting anywhere, or even going backwards. Let your life be 'principle-driven' and not feelings-driven - because as you know, feelings come and go, up and down and all over the place.

    This site is a wonderful place for airing your feelings and writing it all down - others come along and put their perspective, and we realise that we are very much not alone. There are principles, objective to our feelings, that are there to help us, and all manner of misfortunes are able to have light shed on them so our hearts receive the insight they're looking for. Blessings and strength,
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