Every day i suffer, and i always have. I just need to rant out my feelings, sorry if this gets too long. I was born an accident, and the only reason my parents stayed married is because my mom got pregnant with me. She wanted to leave my dad, but felt obligated to stay. So then i grew up, both my parents against me because they couldnt stand each other, and its all my fault they stayed together. My dad acted like he hated my guts and i feared everyday, because i knew my dad was gonna hit me for no reason. He used to send me to my room for entire days, telling me i couldnt eat, and forcing me to sit alone hours and hours. So at a very young age i became suicidal. Nothing i did was right to him, even being in the bathroom too long would trigger him to come in grab me by the throat and throw me on the floor. My mom was aware of all this and didnt do anything, randomly hurting me and telling threats. I can remember when she chased me through the house and cornered me in the bathroom, and she was so furious over nothing and she just started kicking my face over and over. I didnt even feel safe going to school, even getting away from that at my house, i'd come to school just to be bullied there too. I had a hard time making friends, probably cause i was so scared all the time, and the only good, real friend i had in elementary school moved away. When i was four, my sister was born, but she was planned, and i have no clue how that happened, maybe my parents wanted to start over fresh. My dad especially loved my sister, and treated her like she was royalty, she got her way on everything, and i couldnt do crap about it. My dad stopped physically abusing me when i was 12, but he kept making sure i felt like crap emotionally, until he eventually just stopped talking to me at all for a few years. It seems like that would be better, but i just felt even more confused why my dad didnt want anything to do with me. My mom got nicer and decided she liked me better then my sister, whose turned into a greedy, manipulative brat. When i was 15 , i got my first real boyfriend, i was with him a few months before he got in trouble and had to go to some military academy. Before he went there he constantly pressured me to sleep with him, telling me he loves me. I never did sleep with him, and he got impatient, so one time at his house he had friends over and alcohol, and convinced me to drink. He then tried to take advantage of me, having the night all planned out. He had his friend convince me to wear a skirt so me and her could "match". He got me in his room "just to talk". But he just tried making out with me, and reached up and tried pulling down my underwear, i was terrified and wanted nothing to do with that, but he just kept trying. I got out of the room and called my mom and left. He called me and apologized and i for some reason forgave him. He went to the military academy a few weeks after that. I stayed with him that whole time, not having much contact except some letters. While he was in there i found out he had cheated on me repeatedly, and i had been with him 7 months (most of it he was gone) i felt devastated that this is how relationships are, but tried and tried again. I was with 4 more guys after that, every single one cheated on me. So now im 20, and i have a boyfriend i've been with 2 years, he's the only one who hasn't cheated on me(that i know of) its hard to believe he hasn't since its happened every other time. But he seems like a good guy and i fell extremely in love with him, and its hard for me to do that. So it really knocked me back when he broke a important promise to me and lied repeatedly for months. He had promised not to watch porn anymore (i consider it cheating, sexual thoughts and actions from another person while in a relationship is not right at all to me) he said he didnt care about watching it, but i found out he watched once again, even after i said we'd be done if he did. I also am suicidal and have decided he is my last try, if it doesnt work with him, im done with life. He was aware of this but watched it anyways. And then he just kept lying and lying, making excuses why he did it, and all that crap. But now i am just so hopeless feeling, and just know hes either gonna do it again or cheat. I just cant stop thinking about being done with life and i've already planned my death. I wish i could experience life in a positive way but i guess that just doesnt happen for some people.