I can't

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Oct 7, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Am so tired this week of everything. I seem to be going around in circles and getting nowhere. One thing happens after another. I'm not sure if I should stay at SF or just wander off into the night. I don't want to hurt anyone or people I now consider true friends. But, I am what I am. Its not worth it and i've said it before here, stay away from me.

    So perhaps I am the one that needs to stay away. That makes more sense.

    Yet, we as humans, are social creatures. Or so they say.

    I am sorry for all your pain. I wish I could help, but I obviously can't.

    I wish I could hold some of you and figure out a way for us all to get better, but I can't do that either.

    Right now, all I can do is try to make it to the morning. Then repeat, day after day. I don't think I have the courage, yet alcohol is a great tool for building up courage. what a joke.

    I wish I could disappear. I am so sorry.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Please do not disappear, you would be missed.
  3. Dionaise

    Dionaise Member

    Reading that, it sounds exactly like what I was just thinking 5 minutes ago, many times a time.
    So your not alone in this.
    The one thing that internet has worked out yet is how to give hugs. It would make this all so much easier I think..
    Stay strong, keep fighting the good fight, cos we've all got to. So many of us fight it, perhaps we'll all soon be free.
    Many hugs.
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey Mo..i hope you stay here...
    sending you cyber *hugs*
    it would be nice to have a 'real' one
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Mo...you are valuable here just the way you are...I wish things were better for you, but this is the time when you need the support the most, so I hope you stay, and try to suspend judgement of yourself, and take what is here for you..I, for one, am here, and I do not hesitate to be there for you...you are worth it!
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all, I apologize, its been a rough couple of weeks.
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    No apologies necessary...it has been very tough for you, and I am so glad you are here to know that people care about you...big hugs
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    People need to look out for themselves, not me.

    Very recently I remembered something that happened to me 15 or so years ago, which I had completely forgotten. The shame, the guilt and the anger really triggered a downward path over the past couple of weeks. It really was my fault, too, which doesn't help matters.

    Its just one more thing that I really cannot deal with currently. It is said to try and mentally place these types of things into a box and put them away, until a time that we can deal with them.

    I want in one way to deal now, be done, over with. I logically realize this would be foolish as it all likely would be too much for me currently, but I want everything gone. I have tried to box them up, but its not working.

    I am not a good person and I know some people may respond saying that I am. But I beg to differ, none of you know me at all. And while many express such kind and caring words, they cannot and should not be for me.

    While I would and do welcome them and relish them, it is foolish for me to believe they are real. History has taught me otherwise.

    I've always needed to run, to be protected and cared by someone. I know I need to change.

    There are so many flaws in my character, I wouldn't know where to start.

    I think for now, thats enough. I am very anxious right now, things have worked their way into my memory all of a sudden tonight. Images and sounds. This is complete and utter bs. I am so weak, just so unworthy of being here.

    I have tried twice in the last week to reach out to a professional who could help me, I understand they are not mind readers. But it is so hard for me to expose myself even more, so hard. I'm not sure what to do. I understand folks will also tell me to be honest with them, yet I can't risk that. I need to be at home to take care of someone. If someone doesn't take the hint when I contact them, which I dont' normally do, wouldn't it seem logical that things are not good?

    I feel like I am falling apart, I don't know which way is up. I do not wish to impose, I really just don't know what to do.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are being honest to yourself, which is very brave. I know some of the things I have done, feel so much worse when kept in my dark, private closet...and I have done some things that I am truly ashamed of myself...and still people care about and love me...we all do these types of things...it is the cost of being human...but know, my offer is still good...I am here should you need me
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I sincerely appreciate that, but.... there are buts.... Which I know there should not be, yet which still are there.

    I really am tired of struggling this much.

    Thank you Sadeyes - please show yourself some of the caring you share so much around here.
  11. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I do try to give to myself first, as I feel I am not useful here, or anywhere else if I do not...big hugs to you Mo
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Can I scream? Why should I want to? What difference is it going to make? Why do I feel the need for people to see my pain, yet if concern is expressed I then shut down and wear my lovely happy face? It's irl and here. So what gives?

    This hidden pain and confusion is wearing me down. My thought patterns are different. I need to be careful I don't slip down much further
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I guess professionals need to be told exactly what we want from them before they can step up and help..
    I'm not sure of the reason you need to put someone elses needs before your own but I do know if you don't look after your own wellbeing first Mo then the person you need to look after won't have you around in the end anyway..(if that makes sense!)
    please get the help if you need it..*hug*
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I think I'm finally ready to plan. Its a sad thing to admit. But it is what it is.

    As the subject says - I can't.
  15. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey MoAnamCara!

    Your not alone - I had a real sh** couple of weeks - months - years - decades!

    But the past couple of weeks - and certain things - have set me back big time. Set back - not dead and buried - but I'm sick of it also!

    At least you had the courage to nail up your colours to the post - me? I've got 'cool' on my emoticon - before that 'Yeehaw' - I mean - WTF? If I was Yeehaw - no way I'd be here - come on now! I'd have to be partying somewhere!!

    So don't worry about slipping up - happens to everyone - and on this world its about par for the score really - anyone not feeling depressed at some point - you got to be insane really.

    Anyhow - hope your feeling a little bit better - and you are always welcome to chat to me - I know we don't know each other that well - but even so I know more about you than some of your friends I guess! That is how it is here - its strange in some ways - but good that we do this as its just people using the technology of the day to connect to others even if its a tenuous kinda link.

    But we're all real people here - and going through a bad time at times - and U always appreciate the kind words which come my way off people who are struggling in their own lives but who find time to say something positive.

    Well - alcohol - not my thing - but I'm not judging because I get high and - its better than an overdose for sure - but - not really something you can recommend to others. Everyone has their own process - but you should reach out to someone if you can.

    Disappearing is easy for me - don't answer the phone, intercom - so on and so forth.

    Thanks for sharing - it means a lot actually and don't feel shame for being brave enough to admit what most others have not the courage to do.

    Its not easy - but makes it easier for others to open up also.

    Anyhow - sorry to see you this down - and hope you bounce back up off all the heartache sometime soon - me also, you got to hope for that and it might just happen.

    But if you want to die - with no pain - just pray to God and it WILL happen.

    sure - keep doing it and - well - one day - one night - lol - I was right!

    I wish I could make things ok - maybe if everyone thought the same way we would be ok and the world would be a nicer place for all.

    Your always nice on here - to so many people me also - so thanks for that as it means a lot especially when many here are going through so much yet still have a kind word.

    Anyhow - bad couple of weeks eh? - I match that also.

    Damn the world sometimes! Or idiots in it who make it less nice place.

    I mean - I have no hard feelings against the world - like no grudge against faults in the earth which cause earthquakes. The world might kill us but with no malice - a falling tree - hurricane - we accept that.

    Its the cruelty of people that hurts

    But sometimes just depression itself - that hurts - and be careful you don't blame everyone at that point - or cut off so long that you lose touch and have nobody to talk to when you are feeing down.

    I think that makes the difference - even just coming here - thank God you said something and get a reaction without being judged.

    Most of us fear being judged - the label of depression, madness - we don't want that and its not who we are - not really!!

    So chill out Mo - you are not alone - and I hope that you feel a little bit better now that I confessed some blues and maybe a few others add to the general chorus of 'we wished we was dead" - We wished it - not wish it! - or wish it but not really want it.

    Anyhow - good luck and hope tomorrow is a better day.

    No - I mean - I really hope tomorrow is a better day!

    for me also!

    I got to get a better day in soon - to make up for the **** days if you pardon my language!

  16. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Dear Mo,

    I'm not one for replying to threads at the moment, as you know I've found it difficult as of late.. however I need to reply to yours.

    You know what a great help you have been to me as of late. You have been outstanding. As you know, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here right now. But I am. And if I have to keep fighting, you have to, too.

    I can't begin to understand the pain you are in right now. I really can't. I can't imagine how scared you are. I wish I could take all of your pain, and have it myself, because you do not deserve this. You deserve so much better. I know it hurts honey, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but you CAN do this. Take it a day at a time.. hell, a minute at a time if that's all you can manage. Overcome your fear of reaching out for the help (because you are one of the most deserving people I know), and get the support you need.

    You have so many people who care about you. And I know that scares you.. I know as soon as someone shows an ounce of caring, you feel the need to cut yourself off.. but that doesn't mean the people who care about you are gonna go anywhere. They will wait for you, and when you're ready they will try and help.

    In complete seriousness, you are one of the nicest people I have ever met. And I wish I could make things better for you. I'm so sorry I can't. But please.. don't plan. Don't give up.

    Thinking of you
    D xx
  17. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Mo,
    Sorry I just saw this..You mean so much to others here on the forum..Please throw your plan out with the trash..I don't know how many peoople you have helped, but you helped me..I was ready to cash it in..Your words reached my heart and I couldn't go thru with it..
    Please hold on.. There are people who care,,Look at the responces you have gotten.. Those people care.. Your not alone..I care and don't want anything to happen to you..You are one of my best friends..Please stay.. I can't endure your suicide..You mean too much..Please take care.. Hugz, Joseph
  18. Kiki2389

    Kiki2389 New Member

    Never think to dissapear. You are always wanted and needed even though it doesn't seem like it. I have never had suicidal thoughts but sometimes I just think that I am not needed or nobody cares about my feelings; but then I stop and think that I am needed and somebody does care, maybe I havent met them yet. Someone is out there that will know what I am going through and cares about me.
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 12, 2011
  20. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    teh onlyu thing i ask foor is forgiveemss. pleaase.
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