No matter what pattern I try, no matter what I do to be more positive and stay above the problems I come back to feeling ask though nothing matters in the world, I compare myself to just someone who was alive 500 years ago and wasn't a great thinker or brilliant world changer and wonder if it matters in 500 years if that person no one knows today died by their own hand or not. I saw a movie called the social dilemma last night and although I have no social media accounts, all I could see is that we continue to race toward marginalizing and commoditizing every human interaction and it doesn't matter anymore. I try to clean my home and it just gets dirty, I try to build things and they fall apart eventually. It's so hard to feel better. I'm still on my meds, I still take them and I still write but I always come back to this place and feeling suicidal again no matter what form of cognitive thinking or other behavior I have.