i contributed

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Insignificant, Nov 24, 2006.

  1. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    it's been almost two yrs sinse my best friend took her own life. she was the only friend i had. here is the thing though, her family has led me to believe that i was a contributor in her death. i was not a true friend at all.

    with her and i we always tried to help each other. she had even told me one time when i stayed at her house for something like three days helping her get some projects done around her house that she hardly considered dying at all when i was there with her. i thought i had helped. after all for her to hardly consider death for a good period of time just didn't happen. it was always on her mind. she was always attempting, and in the short time i knew her she had attempted about eight times. this was over the course of two years or so maybe a little longer.

    i won't repeat what her family told me specifically but suffice it to say they have left me feeling like i was definately a contributor to her death. also like i was no friend at all. i can't even begin to say what that has done to me. i feel so guilty it's not even funny.

    i feel the suffering from this all year round but coming up on the anniversary here soon is making this harder and harder, and i want to just die myself. that's all i can say about this. this was harder to share than i thought. thanx for listening.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Like I said in my PM, you are not accountable here.

    Take what you wrote here

    'she had even told me one time when i stayed at her house for something like three days helping her get some projects done around her house that she hardly considered dying at all when i was there with her.'

    She told you, in no uncertain terms that you helped her and kept the bad thoughts at bay !!!

    We are not responsible for peoples decisions in life, we can only do our best. You did your best, you can do no more.
     
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    you know how i feel about this rhino, its not your fault, not even partly your fault.
     
  4. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Its never your fault. No one can completely stop a person from suiciding apart from themselves... the most important thing is that you were there for her and that you were her friend, and you said in your post... she really appreciated it. The best anyone can do for someone is the best that they can. Simple as such. Its impossible to stop every suicide... but if you managed to postpone one, even just a little bit, then its the best you can do. :hug:

    ...Sorry for rambling...

    TDM
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Rhino, you are not responsible for your friends death in any way. you did what you could to help her, and did help her. It was her decision to make and you had no bearing on that decision once she decided. Please do not hold yourself responsible, no matter what her family says. they are looking for someone to place the blame on so it can be turned away from themselves. They are hurting too and misplacing their anger toward you. My thoughts are with you hun. :hug:
     
  6. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Gentlelady is right on the mark: the family is just looking for a place to put blame, it's awful that they were cruel enough to put it on you. Maybe it was she trusted you, perhaps more than she did them. Perhaps they're jealous that she felt better around you...:dry:

    Whatever the reason, you did NOT contribute in any way to your friend's death. Please don't blame yourself. You can feel sad, but not guilty - you are not at fault. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the family adding insult to grievous injury.:sad:

    love and hugs,

    least xoxoxox
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 25, 2006
  7. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    there's something to be said when responsibility is laid on you as opposed to when you take it on yourself. i'm not so sure i could elaborate on that one either.
     
  8. Lonz

    Lonz Active Member

    Regarding my friend's death, I come away with a lesson:

    When friends withdraw, don't let that deter you from keeping in touch. I will always wonder what would have happened if I had made more attempts at communication, after she withdrew, having her phone turned off, stopping going out, etc. In the future, I won't take anybody for granted. And, I'll keep in touch more.

    As for your wishing to die, hey, you won't be around to help others in the future. The cycle has to stop somewhere. Go on, don't feel miserable. Be up, so you can help others.

    Lonz
     
  9. twilightki

    twilightki Well-Known Member

    Well said my friend, the last paragraph explains my position in life.
     
  10. 44Bedtime_Bear

    44Bedtime_Bear Active Member

    I know exactly how you feel, I to had my best friend end his life some 15 years ago and the rumors that went around about why got to me to at the time I was the one who was suacidal and he my confadont the day before he ended his life we were sitting at the mall and he made me promise him that I would look for him and speak with him when I was getting the urge to kill myself and he told me that someday someone would show me how many people I would hurt if I did it, The next day in school he was gone the funeral home was standing room as the whole school came to morn our loss, He showed me alright and then to have people tell me it was cause of me I had a hard time dealling with it and still do to this day I have never had his parents tell me it was my fault though funny thing is his father is now married to my mother. I still do morn my friend but I write poetry about him and know he is watching over me when times get hard maybe I am crazy but I still talk with him too. So if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to yell at I am here for you
    I LOVED YOU, SO WHY DID YOU GO???


    I REMEMBER WRESTLING AROUND IN THE FOREST
    WERE WE WOULD TAKE OUR WALKS
    WE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME FOR HOURS
    UNDER THE MOONLIGHT WE WOULD TALK

    WE HAD OUR SPECIAL TABLE AT THE MALL
    WERE WE WOULD DRINK OUR POP
    I REMEMBER I WAS THE ONE WITH NIGHTMARES
    AND YOU COULD MADE THEM STOP

    SO MANY TIMES I CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE,
    I TRIED FOR SO MANY DAYS
    "SOMEDAY, SOMEONE WILL SHOW YOU
    HOW MANY PEOPLE IT HURTS." YOU'D SAY

    YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND,
    LIKE A BIG BROTHER WHO I WILL ALWAYS LOVE
    NO MATTER WHO WAS AROUND OR WHAT WAS SAID
    YOU PUT ME UP HIGH ABOVE

    WHEN YOU WERE AROUND I FELT SPECIAL
    LIKE I WAS 'SOMEONE'
    WHY DID YOU NOT COME TO ME,
    INSTEAD, YOU TOOK YOUR LIFE WITH A GUN

    FOR WEEKS I WOULD CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP
    AND MOPE IN THE DAYS... I DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE
    KEVIN, IT'S BEEN SEVEN YEARS
    WISHING YOU WERE HERE- I REALIZED I WANT TO GIVE

    I FOUND A MAN WHOM I LOVE DEARLY
    AND HE ALSO LOVES ME
    I KNOW THERE HAS BEEN DISAPPOINTMENTS IN THE PAST
    BUT PLEASE HEAR MY PLEA

    I HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL NEED YOU
    TO WATCH DOWN OVER ME FROM UP ABOVE
    AND I PROMISE I WILL NEVER STRAY
    AND WILL GIVE ALL I CAN FROM MY HEART, WITH LOVE

    I LOVED YOU, SO WHY DID YOU GO?
     
  11. Lonz

    Lonz Active Member

    I'm dealing with my own kind of guilt. My friend and I were buddies for 4-5 years. I knew she had psych issues and could be suicidal, but I let that slip away from my attention, as she was always so upbeat. Then, my friend withdrew from everyone, suddenly. About May, she quit returning my calls. Maybe by June, she had her phone service canceled, and didn't contact me to let me know how to get in touch with her. Being a guy, I didn't want to appear to be pushing the matter, though ours' was a platonic friendship. I think I crossed paths with her about July, and think she saw me and avoided me, by the way she acted. I'm pretty sure it was her and that she saw me. Then, I heard later in the summer she had had a breakdown, threatening suicide. In September I had a mutual friend track her down at her family's where she was staying. Word from her parent was she was doing well. But, she didn't call either the woman or me back. A few weeks ago, I called her family's home myself, and she had died four days earlier.
    People tell me she was psychotic and not to kick myself. OK, maybe I won't. But if ever ever I have a friend again who is potentially suicidal, I will make staying in touch a high priority. Even if I have to just send a card. I wish so much I had called a few days earlier, when she was still alive, or sent a holiday present. I will make this a lesson.

    Jeez.

    Lonz
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2007
  12. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    the anniversary is quickly approaching and i'm finding i'm not fairing to well. there is less than a week to go, and all this is really hitting me hard right now as it does from time to time. i know i did my best with her as i do for anyone i call a friend, but maybe in this case it just wasn't good enough. idk. i do know that i really miss her. i miss the bond that her and i shared. friends like that don't come around everyday.
     
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Remember that you have friends here that will help you through this anniversary. Your friend did not consider the impact she would have on the lives of those she left behind. I am certain that she would not have wanted you to accept any of the blame for her death, nor wish it to to hurt you as it has. She was unable to deal with this life for some reason and chose to leave it all behind. Those of us close to those feelings may understand why she chose as she did. As we have talked before, please do not hold yourself accountable on any way. Grieve for the loss of your friendship. Maybe grieve for what could have been had the inevitable not happened, but please do not add to this grief. I am here for you as you need me to be Liz. I am thinking of you. Take care . :hug: