I could just be killing myself right now......

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cooki, May 11, 2014.

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  1. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I seriously need help..... I know exactly how I could end it, and I have everything I need here in my room... But I've locked everything away, in a box that can't be opened without being noisy. But I could still open it, my brother is still downstairs talking to my dad. They would not hear..... But I don't feel like I need to kill myself, I just... want it. I haven't seen my best friend in years... I can't go and meet her, she's in another country........ And my boyfriend wasn't here in weeks either.... The only person I have is myself.... And my teddybears and other plushies..... I've made some of them myself, because my parents think I should be old enough not to buy any more of them..... But for me they are kinda important, I gave everyone an own name and a special charakter...... I always talk to them when I feel lonely, I feel crazy when I just talk to myself, so I talk to them and everything's okay. Mostly I let them answer in my head, so that it sounds like a phonecall to my brother.... I think he thinks I'm crazy. But yeah, I could be killing myself right now, so as long as I talk to my plushies or write here, I won't die, right?
     
  2. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Someone is here reading what you wrote. Including me. Please don't kill yourself right now.

    If you feel like killing yourself now, ask someone for help if you can. Even a hospital emergency doctor, if you have a phone.
     
  3. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to keep myself off that box.... I just write here so that I won't do it, although I want it, but I don't need it, so I know that I shouldn't do it. I'll have an english-test tomorrow... I'm quite good at english, it's a kind of simple language, compared to german and latin for example. But my main problem is that I don't even read through the list of vocabulary once, because I know the words I need anyway. I think in english, so even if I had a dictionary I wouldn't find the words I don't know because I don't know the german words either xD but yeah, alright, it's just an english-class-test which I should have a good mark at so that I'll get a good report. But I know that I won't get a good report this time, I've become so much worse at everything..... I just want to be better than the classbest, nothing else..!
     
  4. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    @ hatshepsut: I can't ask anyone for help.... I can't call anyone, because I'm in an old house, you can hear everything everywhere in here. My dad would possibly come upstairs and be angry at me and mad and stuff.... I would tell my boyfriend, but he's always so busy and worried... I almost gave him a heart-attack lately..........
     
  5. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    My brother will be up here in just a few minutes I think, so I just have to survive until he's here, because then he will notice that I open that box. I usually only have worthy things in there, it's some safety-deposit thing, I don't know what these are called in english. Any my brother always comes to my room in the evening anyway, because I have w-lan.
     
  6. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Please don't kill yourself right now.

    If you feel like killing yourself now, ask someone for help if you can. Even a hospital emergency doctor, if you have a phone.

    I've had a little more time to write a longer message.

    I'm saying it twice. I have no way to know what is happening with you. I cannot help you directly. This web site has people who struggle with thoughts about suicide or other forms of self-harm. I am thinking about suicide, too. But not doing it, now. If you are in danger right now, the best help is probably at the emergency doctor or hospital. I don't know how that works in Germany. In most countries, there is a special emergency phone number. I can guess that you have a computer, and it is possible to contact the police or another emergency service by email without a phone, if you need to. I don't know how that works in Germany, either. But you could Google your police department to find out.

    If you are okay right now, you can try to get help in the morning. I cannot tell you whether your parents or someone else where you are will help you, or whether it is safe to go to them or not. Only you know that. That's all I can say.

    I hope you can find someone to talk with, soon. That is up to you.

    Best wishes to you...
     
  7. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    You wrote that twice as well, right? I'm a bit confused, I often think I've seen or read something before, but I'm not sure really, so yeah '^^
     
  8. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I did write twice. And also on another thread you posted recently. I hope you are safe.

    Your English is indeed excellent. I'm not a social worker, so I can't assess your situation. I'm kind of messed up, too...:boink:

    I'm aware that domestic situations can be dangerous. I don't know if you are in danger. But you can email police silently if you think you are in danger, from someone else nearby or from yourself, if you cannot leave the house.

    Otherwise, if you're safe tonight, I think you should try to find someone to talk with soon, in person. At the school, perhaps. The test score isn't as important as your life is. I suspect the educators at the school also think so, and might help you.

    After this, I need to sign off--I'm not trying to bother you, but do hope you are safe.
     
  9. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Well, don't worry, I'm still alive, I'm just going to bed, because it's almost midnight here and I gotta go to school tomorrow (although I don't want to, 'cause I hate school.... I don't like my classmates, I'm affraid ofthe english-test tomorrow, and yeah, good night.
     
  10. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I won't talk to the teacher that helps people with their problems, I'm affraid he might just call my parents... My boyfriend says he doesn't tell any parents, but he usually makes people tell their parents theirselves by handing the kid the address of a therapist. So that won't help me, cause I can't go out of the house...
     
  11. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Cooki, when you are in school next week take some time to get help. It is imperative that you talk to someone. A teacher, someone else at the school, like a school nurse, a minister, a doctor, but someone. Don't give a thought as to how it might affect anyone else. What is important is that you get the help you need, right now, to keep you alive.
     
  12. Mr.Smiles

    Mr.Smiles Member

    We had guidance counselors when I was in school. They would help out and wouldn't tell parents anything you didn't want them to know. Not sure if it's the same in Germany... I never took advantage of their services. Make sure you do what's right for yourself. They were always there to listen even during class times.
     
  13. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Around here, we have a teacher who is also a therapist after school. But he has to tell the parents what we talked about. And he is also "just" a teacher, he can't help, and he isn't ever there when you need him.
     
  14. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I just feel like such a freak.... Kids my age aren't supposed to have plushies anymore. Maybe one or two, but not a hundred or more. And I'm called a soulless creature which gets a freckle for each soul it collects anyway. People are awesome -.- I just feel like ending it, but I can't do that now, because I have to go to school, and this night I'll probably be too tired to even think about it xD so yeah, I guess I'm safe till tuesday evening.
     
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