I could really use your help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soselo, Apr 21, 2009.

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  1. Soselo

    Soselo Member

    Hello everyone, this is my first ever post on this website, and for any suicide/depression forum. Before i begin with my current problems, i want to make it clear that i've suffered with depression for about 2 years now and suicidal thoughts aren't new to me but they're becoming a lot more serious.
    In September of last year I broke up with my long distance Girlfriend of about 3 and a half years. I was devestated but not as much as i should have been because in that same month, i had moved into a new house where i met a new girl and we fell in love instantly. She was and is perfect for me, i can't think about anything else. After about a month, i withdrew myself a bit as i started to become aware what this must be doing to my ex girlfriend who was still gathering hopes of getting back together, i love her so much but i just wasn't happy anymore and i was soo happy in new new house and with my depression i'm never that happy. Over easter, i wasn't in the house, i went to visit my ex girlfriend to tell her that i we could only be friends and that i really wanted us to be friends because i did love her, just not in the same way. Then, while i'm there i get a message from the girl i'm really hoping to get together with properly after the easter break; she's sleeping with my best friend and is together with him now. What a knife in the back. This was totally out of the blue. She would sleep in my bed everynight, we would do everything together, i even told her about my depression which i've only ever told 1 other person. I let her in, i told her everything, left myself totally exposed to her and she shattered my dreams. The worst part is that my best friend lives with me too, i can see both of their bedrooms from where i'm sat now.
    I have no idea how i can solve this problems. On the first day back, we talked about everything (calmly), before that i had been going insane. We hung out for about 5 hours that day, she cuddled with me and stroked my skin but at the same time told me she'd gotten over me? I feel so used in all of this. When i'm around her, it's complete bliss, i can forget everything and enjoy the moment, it's so relaxing. But then he came home and she locked herself in his room. I don't want to live her but i have nowhere to go. I want to talk to someone but have no one to talk to, all i had was her.
    Now, like i said, i've always had suicidal thoughts because of my depression but now they're are getting progressively worse. Before, it was like tourettes syndrome of my mind where the thought of suicide wouldn't go away, it would just pulsate in my mind and i was unable to get rid of it. Now the thoughts are becoming realistic, i genuinely consider it as a way of removing all my pain. I've been miserable for about 2 years but now i'm exhausted, it's the worst i've ever been, that's why i've come here. Self harming has gotten worse, i couldn't ever cut myself, i hate the slow pace of it, i like it to be instant so i punch myself a lot. I've got a lot of bruises and lumps on my legs and i breakdown in tears about 4-5 times a day (not from the punching). I can't focus on my work which is awful because i graduate soon and i'm not eating almost anything. I barely sleep too. I'm tired, exhausted, melancholic and overall i just want to give up, if she's not on my mind then suicide is.
    I'm telling you this story with hope of a response, someone i can talk to about my problems. I need someone to talk to about this, i have nowhere to turn, this is my only hope. If anyone is out there who has any advice, help, ideas, consolation or anyting please write. I'm aware that the current problem is pretty much self induced but the depression is not. Please help me.
  2. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    hey hun

    first of all big big :hug:

    life can b such a bitch at times isnt it?

    reg ur current girl, probably she was just infatuated with u? sometimes physical proximity makes us believe a lot of things that dont really exist. and when u went to meet ur ex girl, it probably hit this current one that she really was not in love. tho i really wonder what she thinks luv is. one day she is in luv with u and the other day she has gotten over u n movedin with your best friend? and r u sure this guy is a friend?

    hun, a lot of times we allow people to let us down by having too many expectations from them. i know its not possible to have 'no expectations'. but then its not fair upon ourselves either to expect so much from others. splly if we are not in a state to give much to our own selves.

    heartbreaks hurt - at both ends. when ur heart gets broken as well as when someone breaks ur heart! u have to give it time. then the pain fades away. u cannot hurry thru these things.

    coming to ur current situation, if u enjoy living in that house irrespective of the girl who cheated u and the best friend who was party to the same,then make peace with them and urself. how old r u btw?? probably they r just all confused. can u b the bigger person here??

    if u r not able to stay with them, r u in a position to move out and elsewhere? u will have to think bout it n arrive at the answer urself. there r plenty of girls out there hun.. and this is really not the end of the world. sure she hurt u. but just try to get over it. it mayseem impossible now. but it isnt. just give urself some time n space.

    meanwhile try to get back to ur normal life as soon as possible.i.e. school, hobbies, hanging out with people etc. so that ur mind stays distracted. that is the MOST imp thing right now. with suicidal thots n depression, the more u think about it, the more u get sucked into it :( try keeping ur mind positive.

    hope any of this helps. u can always PM any of us. anyone here wud b more than glad to talk to u..

    take care hun.. n b brave
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    That really sucks. It's got to be hard living with them. Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend if he let that happen, knowing you and the girl had been involved.

    If you ever want to talk, you can PM me!
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I presume you are at Uni..is there a counseling service there so that you can talk to someone or do you have a MD you can talk to...with the current state of medication and talk therapies, there is no reason for you to try to solve this on your own...please let us know how you are doing...J
  5. Soselo

    Soselo Member

    Firstly, i'd like to begin with thanking everyone so much for your comments, i can't express how important that is to me, it's been so long since i've had some support like that, it means the world. I come here for someone to understand me, to also know what it feels like to not want to go on, when i usually say something to someone i'm called a drama queen or they think i'm over-reacting and it's dismissed. So thank you everyone for just replying.

    Me and her went out for lunch today and we spent some time in the city. I was told that she didn't feel the same way as we left the city. However, while having lunch she told me she loved me. It was emotional at the time and i'm not sure if that was past tense or whether i've somehow distorted it in my head but i think it's safest to assume it was in past tense. She sits close to me, touches my skin with her hand, strokes the bruises on my legs and i don't know how to react. Almost every part of me wants it to happen, she is afterall everything i crave but i know it does me so much more harm. As soon as we come home, she's in his room and the door is closed while i sit in tears in my room. However, because we went out to lunch, i did eat something today. I suppose that's a bonus or a silver lining? I think i've lost about a stone in weight in just over a week.

    I am at University by the way, i don't want to give too many details away but it's in England and i'm 20 years old, 21 in june. My last exam is in three weeks time so i can leave then, i can get her out of my head as she won't be around. In september, i begin a new University but i'll be living at my parents house over the summer which i hate. I've never told them that but it drags me down so much, i love them as my parents but we're totally different people. We don't agree on anything and i don't fit in there. My plan before this disaster was to stay in this city over the summer, living with her. That would have been perfect, i would earn the money i need for University next year and i would get to live with the woman i love. She doesn't seem to take me seriously when i try to express the severity of how i feel. She knew i had depression and had many suicidal thoughts but she doesnt realise now how much more serious they have become.

    I have never sought help with my depression, i've always just tried to deal with it on my own but it's at an all time high, many of my symptoms have increased a lot, i've never had eating problems before - i used to have hypersomnia and now i sleep 4 hours a night. everything is shacking up. Some of the jobs i wish to apply for when i graduate from my next university demand a clean mental health record, depression isn't allowed so i have made this forum my outlet and anyone who is willing to reply can be my help. I'd like to thank everyone who replied to me today, it brought me to tears, i've never had support like that. Thank you so much x
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    We're always here whenever you need support. *hugs* I'm glad you were able to eat something today!!

    Living with parents isn't easy. When I was in college, I stayed with mine during the summer, and it just didn't work. We don't hate each other or anything, but I was used to having my own space, and so were they. So we just got in each other's way.

    Is it possible to find another place to live over the summer, like an apartment or something? I don't know how expensive things are there, so I'm not sure how well that plan would work.
  7. Soselo

    Soselo Member

    I want out of this house, i wish someone would take me away or I would disappear. I want to vanish. Every night i break down, i can manage the days but not the nights. Take me away.
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    The nights seem to be the hardest for most of us...sounds like soon you can be on your own...do think about getting support/help for your depression...before you know it, you will be thinking about entering the 'working world' and it would be good to do so with support...and yes, it is great that you ate something...and of course we are here whenever you want to share...wishing you continued relief throughout the days...J
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