I couldn't do it.

I left the house 2 hours ago and went down a field where nobody would find me. I sat on a bench by the riverside, waiting.

I drank some alcohol and then sat there for a while, trying to force myself to cut myself. And I did, but not deep enough. I started bleeding but after about 10 minutes it stopped and dried up. I really wanted to go deeper but couldn't do it. So I cried for a bit and then headed home with bloodied hands. Got back home, acting like normal. Nobody even noticed I had gone out.

I've made up my mind now - I want to do it. I really, really do. There's no doubt in my mind. I don't want to live anymore. But I can't force myself to take my life.

Now I'm sat here, it's 2:30am and I have no intentions of sleeping. I feel sick and anxious, not sure what to do with myself.

 

please talk to us here or try calling a suicide hotline

getting some treatment would be better and probably easier than trying to hurt yourself. a lot of people make attempts that fail and end up disabled from them

it sounds like maybe part of why you are suicidal in the first place is that your family doesn't seem to notice or care about how much pain you are in

 

In part, my family are an issue.

But they're not the main reason. I just hate the way I look. I've tried to be happy with myself, but when I take photos of myself I hate what I see. My looks are one issue that I cannot change. It isn't my face. My face isn't anything special, but that's fine. But my body is hideous. I'm a guy and I have big hips and I think my head is a bit smaller than average as well so it just looks really, really weird. And I can't change that.

It probably sounds silly, but it has made me uncomfortable for years. And your looks affect pretty much every aspect of your life. My body is really weird, and on top of that I got fat as well... and I'm struggling to shift the extra weight. I think the only thing that could change my perception of myself would be to have some sort of hip reduction surgery.. but there doesn't appear to be such a thing.

There is so much wrong with my life. A lot of it I could possibly make better. But my issues I have with my looks make me think 'why bother?'

I'm always going to feel uncomfortable about myself. Nothing is going to change that.

 

You just have to be comfortable in your own skin. Just be comfortable with what God gave you. :hug:

 

Please try to see a psychiatrist and ask for some meds to help you so that you won't keep having distorted images about yourself.. Be positive and don't always think you are ugly.. :hug: take care..

 

Cutting yourself probably wont kill you. It's really hard to hit your ulnar or radial arteries. But cutting does leave scars - I would know, I have scars up and down my arms. You wanna talk about being self conscious.... every time I wear short sleeves, people know. You can tell how their eyes linger on my arms.
You don't want that, trust me. It's like a big flashing sign that says "I'm batty!!"
All I can suggest is to get some help from a medical professional. Medication and therapy can do wonders.

 

im here to talk to you if you need it, i hope everything gets better, find yourself and try to fix whats going on, all happiness, anger, sadness, laughter, everything comes from the brain.....if you can make yourself aware of your emotions while they are active, it IS possible to alter them with practice

 

Have you checked into lyposuction on your hips?? I have alot of fat in my stomach.. It looks like I have a basket ball under my shirt..I have to keep buying new clothes because my weight goes up and then I loose some of it..Check out the lyposuction with your doctor..

 

maybe therapy could help you change or deal with your image of yourself.

I think also some day you could try to live in a place where people aren't as superficial and are less concerned with looks. Or just find some people out there who can accept you and give you some positive feedback

I bet you don't look as weird as you think