I left the house 2 hours ago and went down a field where nobody would find me. I sat on a bench by the riverside, waiting. I drank some alcohol and then sat there for a while, trying to force myself to cut myself. And I did, but not deep enough. I started bleeding but after about 10 minutes it stopped and dried up. I really wanted to go deeper but couldn't do it. So I cried for a bit and then headed home with bloodied hands. Got back home, acting like normal. Nobody even noticed I had gone out. I've made up my mind now - I want to do it. I really, really do. There's no doubt in my mind. I don't want to live anymore. But I can't force myself to take my life. Now I'm sat here, it's 2:30am and I have no intentions of sleeping. I feel sick and anxious, not sure what to do with myself.