I couldn't take it, I was on the edge...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nysecia, Apr 10, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Nysecia

    Nysecia Member

    All the hate I have inside of me manifests in these thoughts of hatred and self loathing, I've been actively self harming on and off for the past 2-3 years and I'm on the edge once again, I can't deal with it any more, no matter what medication they put me on, it's never enough, no matter who talks to me, I can't deal with it... I have no job, hardly any friends, and now I've lost the one person that made me feel happy, content, loved, cared about and would do absolutely anything for me and it's all because of my stupid actions, the way I am, the way I feel, the way I act, what I say, what I do and how I behave, and how badly I treated her and why you ask? Because I was too blind and too ignorant to what was being said, what was going on and how my actions affected that person.

    I lost my father when I was 2, and I've never had a father figure, the only person I could call a "Dad" as such was my Grandfather, I even asked him to be my Dad when I was little, but obviously it couldn't be that way because he was my Granddad, and he said he'd always be there for me, and that made me happy, but it came to an end in 2009 when he passed away, my god I was so lost, I got very depressed and that's when the pain got worse, it got so bad that I didn't know what to do with myself any more, I felt so alone, that's when I started getting depressed, more so than I used to, but I managed to keep myself level headed somehow, and carried on, and then the relationships started, I got together with someone and they made me feel so happy for a little while, but I was blind to see that it was all a lie and that that person had been doing the dirty on me, we ended after 2 years in January of last year, I got extremely depressed, I was put on Anti-Depressants to try and cope with things a bit better, but my Anxiety was at an all time high, I alienated myself from others, I didn't want to go and see people I was once very close with, I sat in, day in, day out, just wanting the pain, the hurt, the anxiety, the thoughts and everything to go away, but they didn't and I couldn't cope any more, and I tried to kill myself, I overdosed in the front room in my house and my mother managed to get the paramedics here pretty quickly, I had my stomach pumped and was kept on watch for a week, they sent me home again and sorted out therapy sessions, and tried to change things that way, but they didn't work, I was still depressed, I was still annoyed, and I was still constantly anxious...

    I then tried smoking weed, just to calm me down a bit and maybe help my moods a bit more, as the medication wasn't working and I was still really bad, I still smoke it, but I've found smoking it may help me a bit more than the anti-depressants, it works, a bit... but the problem I have with it is that I get paranoid more, so I get more anxious, and I get more annoyed at things when I'm not smoking it, because it's put my mental state back a peg, rather than helping me like it once did, and I find myself wanting more of it, just to hold onto that feeling, to hold onto that little bit of hope, the thing that calms me down, I can't get rid of it, I don't want to, but I've realised, my mind's telling me that I need it, the same thing that's telling me I'm depressed, and I realised that, well, I can make myself better with my own actions, I don't need the meds and I don't need the weed, I just need to try and focus on things, 1 thing at a time, take my time with it, this is a marathon after all, not a sprint...

    But I guess I realised that too late, it took my relationship with the one person I loved more than anything in the world, and I drove a wedge between it, because of my own selfish, nasty, and just stupid attitude and the way I do things, and that hurts the most, knowing it now and not realising it before, when everyone was telling you the whole time to do it, just being too stuck up my own arse to see what was right in front of me and not wanting to believe it, and it's all because of my unwillingness to understand what people were trying to tell me, but I get that now, and it's too late for me to save my relationship, you only get so many chances, and it sucks so much to know that I can't do anything about it any more, but I can apply what I know now to change myself, not to save my relationship, but so I can make better relationships and have longer lasting, happier and generally more of a positive attitude when it comes to those kinds of things and things to do with my depression, things I know I need to do, but don't believe in myself enough that I can do it, I can't live the rest of my life with that attitude, it will only keep me where I am now, or make things even worse and go through more and more situations where I lose people I love, whether it be a new relationship in times to come, or even friends, because I've lost more than enough friends because I've blanked them, been arseholes to them, or taken them for granted, and I can't do that any more, I got some good advice earlier from someone and I won't forget it, but just doing little things for them will make their day better, you'll feel good about it, and it's strengthen the bond between either the person you're in a relationship with at the time, or even that friend that's always there for you and even if it's a little something simple like a packet of crisps, a meal, a drink, a laugh, or just being there for them if they need advice/help/support, it all makes a difference and they'll always be thankful for those things too... And that's something I look forward to.

    I admit, earlier I was in a pretty bad way, I had <Mod Edit - methods - Acy>, but I didn't do it, admittedly I did self harm, but I didn't do that, because that little thing in the back of my head that's keeping me alive and keeping me driven said, think of the people you're going to leave behind, your parent, those 2+ friends that love you dearly, your family, etc... what would they have to go through after you've gone? And that little spark kept me alive, and kicked me in the arse and said, you don't need to be like this any more, you need to change things, and then my friend showed up, and we talked and we had a laugh and a proper heart to heart chat and he explained the things I did to me and that's helping, a lot...

    So here I sit, writing my little story, and making changes for ME, maybe some of you would be inspired, maybe not, but that's what's happening at the moment, and fingers crossed, things will get better.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2014
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Nysecia, it's great to meet you! Welcome to SF! I always like hearing success stories - when people and their lives have turned around for the better! Thank you for sharing yours!

    I am sorry it was hard times for you, though. You really sound as if you're moving forward in the direction you want to go in! I'm happy for you and it is inspiring to hear! :)
     
  3. Nysecia

    Nysecia Member

    Thank you, means a lot, times are hard now, but they won't be forever, it's just a case of giving myself a proper well needed kick up the arse and changing myself to who I WANT to be, not who I settle into being.

    I got told to watch this video, and it really helped me... I just hope it might inspire some people the way it did me...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G23QDwjs3YQ
     
  4. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    Great to hear! So much of this really has to do with being aware of our bad own attitudes, beliefs and actions that cause our own misery. Its looks like you have some help and gained some wisdom now with improving all that toward the positive and its only natural that your feelings and circumstances will get better along with that. For me, my new motto is simply "I'm just grateful and lucky to be alive" - because it is actually true. I'm done putting any hope in people, money, jobs, the future, or whatever else... done for good. Its been a lifetime of frustration and let down. From now on any day that I wake up breathing is just a gift. When I look at creation its beautiful and that is enough from now on. I'm tired or wanting or caring about anything beyond that. All the best to you :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2014
  5. Nysecia

    Nysecia Member

    Okay, so I'm back in that horrific mind set, keep doing things that remind me of her, and wondering why it won't go away, it hurts so much it's unreal, it's like a piece of my own heart has jumped out of my body and is missing, I can't cope on my own, I'm a wreck :(
     
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Nysecia, it is natural to have things remind us of a loss and how much we miss the person. And yes, that feels like a piece of our heart has been ripped out. It doesn't go away all at once probably because it took more than a moment to form the attachment and relationship. If we haven't found other things to do and think about, the things that we have lost in the past take up more of our thoughts. Maybe get involved with some new groups/activities.

    Feelings tend to settle down and are more manageable over time. If you cannot cope on your own, could you see a counsellor/therapist/doctor? It's good that you've come here to vent and receive support. How about a real life connection - a counsellor/therapist/doctor? The face-to-face element can be reassuring in itself. And if you are in danger of hurting yourself right now, it might be a good idea to call a crisis line.

    I hope that just by knowing people here care, you begin to feel better. Keep us posted on how you're doing. :hug:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.